Friday, June 1, 2012
Life of a Survivor
I read an article today about a priest who kept a journal of his sexual abuse experiences and how that journal was published and people are shocked. Brought back a ton of memories for me. I am going to write my story about going through, struggling and surviving my sexual abuse.
It all began when i was about 8. Maybe it started before. There are certain things I can remember going back that far and they always stick out in the my mind. He was my stepfather, although when it began he was a boyfriend of my mom's. Dad was not around much, so the fact that we had a man in our lives that made us a complete family was exciting to us girls. We were all so young and all we wanted was a replacement for daddy.
I remember one day walking through the house. Bob had his friend there. They were in my mom's room sitting on the bed. The edge of the bed actually. This sounds so much like other stories I have heard. Anyway, he was sitting on the edge of bed and told me to get on his knee. He started bouncing me up and down on his knee and was asking if i liked it. Of course I said yeah. I mean my goodness. I had everything I wanted. My mom was happy, she was dating one of the maintenance men, she was about to get married, my sisters loved Bob, and he was acting like a real daddy to us. He loved us and maybe even more than our father, who always promised to come take us, but never did. That day I felt a little weird but didn't think much of it. I mean why was he asking me if it felt good to bounce up and down on his lap? it was stupid and I just pushed it out of the back of my mind.
At some point later on, I had a science fair to go to. My mom had to work so she was not able to go with us. I was so disappointed. I really wanted her there to at least see what i did. Now I forget what it was because this was the night I had my first sexual experience. I was 8. I do remember driving home in the car, and Bob let me drive. He put me on his lap and I specifically remember driving on Central Ave. maybe for a good five minutes. We got home, dropped his friend off and went into the house. I don't remember if my sisters were with us or if they were home. I do however remember being in the living room alone and he began to touch me. He asked me when I was going to start using this machine that now I realize gives you chest muscles. He told me if I used it , my breasts would be larger when I grew up and men like that. He began to fondle my breast and my vagina. It was my first experience with oral sex. I was never penetrated, everything was just that, fondling and oral.
This happened for 2 years straight. I do not need to go into specific details. I remember him slipping in my room at night and asking me if I can come to the living room. I dreaded the days when my mom had to work overnights. I began to hate her because I felt she knew what was going on and just wanted to be happy so she said nothing about it. In the middle of my 5th grade year, there was a blow up! Bob and I were arguing and I told him I was going to tell my mom what he was doing to me at night. I feel like a fool because going back to that moment, I feel like the reason why I told was because I was in trouble for something and I did not want to be the only one in trouble that day. He told me to call her because she would not believe me. i called her and she came right home. He denied it of course and said he never touched me. The horror as I think back to that day and my sisters were there watching us argue. They shouldn't have known half of the things that were said that day. We moved out that day from our apartment and did not go back.........to be continued
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Growing Up Biracial
Thanks Sandra for the topic. This one is going to be a crazy and difficult one because I really don't want to offend people but then again, you all know me and should realize that I really don't care in the end who I offend.
My life growing up really was not much different than many others. I mean I was born, my mom and dad were together at the time, and things were great. Then we left. But I grew up in Arbor Hill, which I guess would be considered the ghetto of Albany. We were all there mixed in, Black and White (I don't remember any Spanish People). My mom was accepted as a person there, and the neighborhood loved her. She would do a garden every year, we were babysat by Ms. Willie Mae, and I played with Laura, Adrian Adaiah, Antijuan, Little Laura, Dave, Alan (my first love), and a bunch of others. We played double dutch, high water low water, hide and go get (yeah we were bad kids, we danced, put on shows, would walk to the museum on the weekends, go to the baseball field. I didn't care that my mom was like the only white person on the block and no one else cares or even seemed to notice.
My first encounter with anything that had to do with Race that I can remember was when I was around 8. I went to New Orleans for a dance competition. We went on a boat ride on the Mississippi, and needless to say my stomach did not fair well. I remember walking back and getting sick along the way with the other girls (All were white) and a guy in the alleyway came up to us and gave me a rose and said "Because you are the only one" i was sick and distraught and I had absolutely no freaking clue what he was talking about. Later I learned it was because I was the only black one....interesting.
Living in Albany I went to two different schools both very very integrated. It want until I moved to Troy that I was blown away. i went to a school where me and my sisters and 2 others were the only black people in the school. Eventually 2 more joined us. No matter how hard I tried to fit in I just couldn't. I was the Black Girl from Albany, people were either scared of me or just didn't want to have anything to do with me. Except for Robyn Torres. She was a wonderful friend. She didn't see color, and we did practically everything together. I was so sad when she moved, but the funny thing is we always kept in contact because her mom adopted a black girl and needed to get her hair done, so they would come back so my mom could do her hair.
Going to middle school was quite different, I was a newbie amongst all of these other kids. All the schools in Troy moved up into one school, and I wasn't really accepted by the black people or the white people. I really had a few friends. I do not know though that it was attributed to color, I think it was because all of these people grew up together and I didn't.
That leads me to this point, I think the hardest part about growing up as a mixed girl was honestly just me. As I got into high school I separated the people I hung out with. I had white friends and black friends. They never were together with the exception of a few people, Shaketa, Joe, Janet, Rodney, other than that I kept them separated. I would act one way in front of one group and act completely different in front of another group.
My family also made it know that while we were different, I was really different. I had the worst hair out of the three of us, and i knew it. Now that I am older all I am told is how soft and pretty my hair is. Based on things growing up I thought I would need a relaxer for the rest of my life (I will discuss hair in a bit)
College was different from High School, yet again I separated my white friend from my black friends. I remember the first time I brought my mom to college and everyone asked me if I was adopted. I was appalled that people would even ask me that question. Those of you that know my mom, know that I look exactly like her, and why was it so hard to believe that she was my mom? I made some great friends in college. I remember one time when we watched higher learning and everyone was walking across campus with a chip on their shoulder. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know if I should be angry at the white people, but then I remembered my mom telling me what she told my uncle. It is not her fault for what her ancestors did. That has always stuck on me.
So many things have changed in society and with me since those moments. I do not have to choose between black or white on a questionnaire, I can choose both. I don't have to separate my friends from each other, if you like me as a person that is all that matters. I don't act differently from one group to another, I am just Hope. I don't care that my hair is not like Kristin's, it is mine and I really do like it. I have my black features that I love to flaunt, like my nice full lips, and my high cheekbones.
Here is my advice for the next generations of mixed races...Top Ten
10. Learn how to love yourself first. This actually goes for everyone.
9. Learn as much as possible about your history from both sides. there is so much available on the internet that this shouldn't be that hard.
8. Act the same no matter what. You are a human being and if you are not accepted by certain people because you are to prissy or to ghetto then so be it. We have a record world population. There are soooo many potential friends.
7. Your features is what makes you, you! Don't allow anyone to tell you that your nose looks funny, or your lips are a bit small, or your hair doesn't look like you have white in you, or your butt is too big or too small. Don't allow people to associate your features with your race. You are you because that is how your chromosomes happened to work out.
6. Appreciate your beauty. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that Mixed children are some of the most beautiful people in the world and black and white are intimidate by us sometimes. All because they do not have the eroticism that we may have. Some people didn't like me because I was pretty, and I tried everything to not be pretty just so people would love me.
5. Make sure you connect with both sides of your family and stay connected. I am blessed because I know my mom and my dads side. I get to hear the stories of my mom in her back woods running through the dark, but I also get to hear my dad's family talk about the discrimination issues they faced everyday. It gives us a unique culture.
4. Do not ever feel like you have to choose between one or the other. You are who you are for a reason. You have the best of both worlds, use it to your advantage! Take advantage of those "minority" scholarships, and grants and whatever else they give you for being a minority, but don't use the system or overdo it. There really aren't "White only" anything so I cannot really speak about that :)
3. For white parents who do not have the the other parent, do all that you can to show your child the other side of things. Ultimately they will grow up being labeled as black, and you do not want them to grow up ignorant to that.
2. Mentioning that, you will always be labeled black, but it doesn't mean you have to accept it! I am proud to have my parents, and when i am asked "What am I" I tell them I am mixed, not black, not white, I am biracial!
1. Again for the white mothers......PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE learn how to do your little girls hair. It pains me to see girls walking around with their hair in a nappy Afro because a. The mother doesn't know how to do it, b. The mother wont learn how to do it, c. The mother will not take her daughter to someone who knows how to do it!
My life growing up really was not much different than many others. I mean I was born, my mom and dad were together at the time, and things were great. Then we left. But I grew up in Arbor Hill, which I guess would be considered the ghetto of Albany. We were all there mixed in, Black and White (I don't remember any Spanish People). My mom was accepted as a person there, and the neighborhood loved her. She would do a garden every year, we were babysat by Ms. Willie Mae, and I played with Laura, Adrian Adaiah, Antijuan, Little Laura, Dave, Alan (my first love), and a bunch of others. We played double dutch, high water low water, hide and go get (yeah we were bad kids, we danced, put on shows, would walk to the museum on the weekends, go to the baseball field. I didn't care that my mom was like the only white person on the block and no one else cares or even seemed to notice.
My first encounter with anything that had to do with Race that I can remember was when I was around 8. I went to New Orleans for a dance competition. We went on a boat ride on the Mississippi, and needless to say my stomach did not fair well. I remember walking back and getting sick along the way with the other girls (All were white) and a guy in the alleyway came up to us and gave me a rose and said "Because you are the only one" i was sick and distraught and I had absolutely no freaking clue what he was talking about. Later I learned it was because I was the only black one....interesting.
Living in Albany I went to two different schools both very very integrated. It want until I moved to Troy that I was blown away. i went to a school where me and my sisters and 2 others were the only black people in the school. Eventually 2 more joined us. No matter how hard I tried to fit in I just couldn't. I was the Black Girl from Albany, people were either scared of me or just didn't want to have anything to do with me. Except for Robyn Torres. She was a wonderful friend. She didn't see color, and we did practically everything together. I was so sad when she moved, but the funny thing is we always kept in contact because her mom adopted a black girl and needed to get her hair done, so they would come back so my mom could do her hair.
Going to middle school was quite different, I was a newbie amongst all of these other kids. All the schools in Troy moved up into one school, and I wasn't really accepted by the black people or the white people. I really had a few friends. I do not know though that it was attributed to color, I think it was because all of these people grew up together and I didn't.
That leads me to this point, I think the hardest part about growing up as a mixed girl was honestly just me. As I got into high school I separated the people I hung out with. I had white friends and black friends. They never were together with the exception of a few people, Shaketa, Joe, Janet, Rodney, other than that I kept them separated. I would act one way in front of one group and act completely different in front of another group.
My family also made it know that while we were different, I was really different. I had the worst hair out of the three of us, and i knew it. Now that I am older all I am told is how soft and pretty my hair is. Based on things growing up I thought I would need a relaxer for the rest of my life (I will discuss hair in a bit)
College was different from High School, yet again I separated my white friend from my black friends. I remember the first time I brought my mom to college and everyone asked me if I was adopted. I was appalled that people would even ask me that question. Those of you that know my mom, know that I look exactly like her, and why was it so hard to believe that she was my mom? I made some great friends in college. I remember one time when we watched higher learning and everyone was walking across campus with a chip on their shoulder. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know if I should be angry at the white people, but then I remembered my mom telling me what she told my uncle. It is not her fault for what her ancestors did. That has always stuck on me.
So many things have changed in society and with me since those moments. I do not have to choose between black or white on a questionnaire, I can choose both. I don't have to separate my friends from each other, if you like me as a person that is all that matters. I don't act differently from one group to another, I am just Hope. I don't care that my hair is not like Kristin's, it is mine and I really do like it. I have my black features that I love to flaunt, like my nice full lips, and my high cheekbones.
Here is my advice for the next generations of mixed races...Top Ten
10. Learn how to love yourself first. This actually goes for everyone.
9. Learn as much as possible about your history from both sides. there is so much available on the internet that this shouldn't be that hard.
8. Act the same no matter what. You are a human being and if you are not accepted by certain people because you are to prissy or to ghetto then so be it. We have a record world population. There are soooo many potential friends.
7. Your features is what makes you, you! Don't allow anyone to tell you that your nose looks funny, or your lips are a bit small, or your hair doesn't look like you have white in you, or your butt is too big or too small. Don't allow people to associate your features with your race. You are you because that is how your chromosomes happened to work out.
6. Appreciate your beauty. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that Mixed children are some of the most beautiful people in the world and black and white are intimidate by us sometimes. All because they do not have the eroticism that we may have. Some people didn't like me because I was pretty, and I tried everything to not be pretty just so people would love me.
5. Make sure you connect with both sides of your family and stay connected. I am blessed because I know my mom and my dads side. I get to hear the stories of my mom in her back woods running through the dark, but I also get to hear my dad's family talk about the discrimination issues they faced everyday. It gives us a unique culture.
4. Do not ever feel like you have to choose between one or the other. You are who you are for a reason. You have the best of both worlds, use it to your advantage! Take advantage of those "minority" scholarships, and grants and whatever else they give you for being a minority, but don't use the system or overdo it. There really aren't "White only" anything so I cannot really speak about that :)
3. For white parents who do not have the the other parent, do all that you can to show your child the other side of things. Ultimately they will grow up being labeled as black, and you do not want them to grow up ignorant to that.
2. Mentioning that, you will always be labeled black, but it doesn't mean you have to accept it! I am proud to have my parents, and when i am asked "What am I" I tell them I am mixed, not black, not white, I am biracial!
1. Again for the white mothers......PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE learn how to do your little girls hair. It pains me to see girls walking around with their hair in a nappy Afro because a. The mother doesn't know how to do it, b. The mother wont learn how to do it, c. The mother will not take her daughter to someone who knows how to do it!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Did You Start Your Garden Yet?
I watched Tyler Perry's message on “How to be Successful”. Essentially the message is that you have to find your passion and pour all of it into that passion. If you plant multiple seeds, then you need more water, or you can plant one seed and that one seed will reproduce and plant the other seeds you want. I was asked to write about what motivates me to do the things I do, then I am challenged to be able to act upon it.
I don’t know what the answer here should be. Typically any person would say children, family, career, and a bunch of other things. I cannot say that. I mean I know that those things are important, but I am going to go out on a limb and be selfish. I MOTIVATE MYSELF! Similar to Tyler Perry’s message, if all of these other things motivated me, then that would be too many seeds to water. However, if I am the motivator, then all of those other things or people are happy. Now an even bigger question, what am I motivated to do. Again there a million things but if it were just one that I could pick, it would be to help others. Many of you only know me from an online perspective and don’t know the real me. There have been so many trials and tribulations throughout my life, some caused by me and some caused by others that I had absolutely no control over. I would love to be able to say that everything is everyone else’s fault but most of it is mine and I have to accept that. As I am writing this I am actually changing my thoughts and thinking that my one motivator is actually the future.
We always feel like we have to deal with the things that are given to us at that present moment and don’t think about the future outcomes. If I could have seen further into my future when I was younger things would have been different, but knowing what I know now, things are already different. I plant the seed so I can enjoy my time in my garden watching the plant grow. Maybe sip on some lemonade or some wine, and truly sit back and enjoy that flower while tending to the rest of the garden, but that particular flower is special to me. Why? Because it bears the seeds of my children, my career, my love, my family, my hobbies, my skills, my friends, and anything else that GOD wants to bless me with in the future. Once that flower grows and blooms, I am able to see the beautiful petals it has produced, but even more importantly, it pollinates with other compatible flowers to grows new ones. Let me give you a for instance. My flower grows and bears the seeds of my children. One day my children will grow and become their own capable adults and pollinate with other, and creates a new plant of their own. They now have their own seed. It is my job to help water that seed even though they are no longer a part of my plant, and tend to that seed. Eventually their plant will produce their own seeds consisting of their children, life, love, career, education, etc. Understand? (This all ties in I promise) Those bad things that happened in your life are the bad petals - you allow those petals to wither and die. They will always be a part of that plants past, and will become fertilization material for the next spring and for many years after, but eventually new dirt and soil is added and the concentration of that withered petal grows smaller and smaller
.
My motivation is to pollinate as many other plants as possible and see what their futures hold. To see the great flowers that will be produced and create a Garden of Hope. I want to help those people that have withered petals. Things that were supposed to be beautiful but didn’t make it for whatever reason. Maybe that petal was not given enough sun, or was fed on by a worm, or poisoned by a snake. For whatever reason, those petals are dead. I want to help pick them off and put them on the ground so we can move on. So we can make room for the petals that have survived. I want to be able to give nutrients, water, and life to the other flowers in my garden and other gardens. All it take it my one seed. The one seed of my life is creating the future!
Therefore, in all of my selfishness, my motivation is to water my seed, and nourish it, give it sunlight, pluck the bad petals, and allow new ones to grow! How do we really put this into action! Simply put, by taking care of ME! By striving for the things I am good at, by having faith, by always pushing myself the extra mile, by being confident, by ridding my life of all of the negativity, and most importantly by ensuring that my flower is always planted in the sun, where God can shine his light on me.
I don’t know what the answer here should be. Typically any person would say children, family, career, and a bunch of other things. I cannot say that. I mean I know that those things are important, but I am going to go out on a limb and be selfish. I MOTIVATE MYSELF! Similar to Tyler Perry’s message, if all of these other things motivated me, then that would be too many seeds to water. However, if I am the motivator, then all of those other things or people are happy. Now an even bigger question, what am I motivated to do. Again there a million things but if it were just one that I could pick, it would be to help others. Many of you only know me from an online perspective and don’t know the real me. There have been so many trials and tribulations throughout my life, some caused by me and some caused by others that I had absolutely no control over. I would love to be able to say that everything is everyone else’s fault but most of it is mine and I have to accept that. As I am writing this I am actually changing my thoughts and thinking that my one motivator is actually the future.
We always feel like we have to deal with the things that are given to us at that present moment and don’t think about the future outcomes. If I could have seen further into my future when I was younger things would have been different, but knowing what I know now, things are already different. I plant the seed so I can enjoy my time in my garden watching the plant grow. Maybe sip on some lemonade or some wine, and truly sit back and enjoy that flower while tending to the rest of the garden, but that particular flower is special to me. Why? Because it bears the seeds of my children, my career, my love, my family, my hobbies, my skills, my friends, and anything else that GOD wants to bless me with in the future. Once that flower grows and blooms, I am able to see the beautiful petals it has produced, but even more importantly, it pollinates with other compatible flowers to grows new ones. Let me give you a for instance. My flower grows and bears the seeds of my children. One day my children will grow and become their own capable adults and pollinate with other, and creates a new plant of their own. They now have their own seed. It is my job to help water that seed even though they are no longer a part of my plant, and tend to that seed. Eventually their plant will produce their own seeds consisting of their children, life, love, career, education, etc. Understand? (This all ties in I promise) Those bad things that happened in your life are the bad petals - you allow those petals to wither and die. They will always be a part of that plants past, and will become fertilization material for the next spring and for many years after, but eventually new dirt and soil is added and the concentration of that withered petal grows smaller and smaller
.
My motivation is to pollinate as many other plants as possible and see what their futures hold. To see the great flowers that will be produced and create a Garden of Hope. I want to help those people that have withered petals. Things that were supposed to be beautiful but didn’t make it for whatever reason. Maybe that petal was not given enough sun, or was fed on by a worm, or poisoned by a snake. For whatever reason, those petals are dead. I want to help pick them off and put them on the ground so we can move on. So we can make room for the petals that have survived. I want to be able to give nutrients, water, and life to the other flowers in my garden and other gardens. All it take it my one seed. The one seed of my life is creating the future!
Therefore, in all of my selfishness, my motivation is to water my seed, and nourish it, give it sunlight, pluck the bad petals, and allow new ones to grow! How do we really put this into action! Simply put, by taking care of ME! By striving for the things I am good at, by having faith, by always pushing myself the extra mile, by being confident, by ridding my life of all of the negativity, and most importantly by ensuring that my flower is always planted in the sun, where God can shine his light on me.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Dating Websites
Lets talk about Dating websites. I recently deleted my dating acct on POF. I kind of just got tired of the same old nonsense. People writing me telling me how they would love to meet me, I never respond and they think it is personal. I deleted it because I am just not ready. I get tired of people asking me "Why is a beautiful woman such as yourself still single? I don't like answering those questions. What do I tell them? I have issues? I actually haven't been in a monogamous relationship in forever? The people I have been with were committed to other people or just didn't want to be committed to me? What is wrong with me? I have two boys, one is 18 and the other is 11, that right there alone knocks out about half of the people i meet. Besides that, I just don't understand what is wrong with a good ole fashioned, if you want to talk to me, approach me and we can meet. Most of the people I spoke with previously, just wanted to bang me anyway, and they should know I am not really that great in bed anyway. I hate having to get used to someone sexually all over again. I am actually just starting to not want to do it anyway, it creates too many complications and emotions. How would my life be if I was celibate until I found my mate? I mean I did it a while ago, I could do it again. There is a new goal (yeah okay). I mean I like the intimacy of it, and I am not the type of person that can just do it with anyone.
But back to the topic. I just cannot seem to find anyone I am truly compatible with. They are too young, and as my friend put it, it is to much work to try to keep up with the young girls I would be competing with. And the ones that are too much into me are really just too much into me. They want to see me all the time, and I make up a bazilllion excuses as to why I cannot instead of just telling them "I'm really not interested"
I never thought, when I was younger, that I would still be just alone. I mean I thought I would be married, have a house, and kids (besides the 2 I have), financially sound, and just have my family and be happy. I think it is time for a top ten...
Top Ten Reasons Why I am Still Single
(this is not like the previous blog of Top Ten Reasons to stay single)
10. I have never lived with anyone
9. I have two kids who are old and no one wants to come in a "act" like a parent to children who are already groomed
8. I think I am right all of the time
7. I really just don't make the time to get out and meet people
6. Once I tell people I have had my surgery, they realize that everything underneath is a lot different than what they previously imagined, and they do not want to ruin that first image
5. Whenever I have told people how important my family is and that there opinion means the world to me, they back off. I mean I was raised by these people, if you like me, you should like them.
4. I concentrated too much on my career to worry about the importance of becoming a future wife to someone.
3. I dated two men who were in relationships and to others on the outside, it seems as though i am afraid of commitment. (Those relationships are detailed in my previous blogs and boy is it crazy to read how I was feeling then)
2. I am sometimey. Sometimes I look really good and other times I look really bad. People want consistency and some days I just don't have the time to be consistence.
1. I want it to bad. But when I say, I will just let it happen, I always fall for the wrong person.
I just hope that it doesn't happen too late. I feel like this is the only void in my life right now. Someone who is as proud to walk down the street with me as I am them!
But back to the topic. I just cannot seem to find anyone I am truly compatible with. They are too young, and as my friend put it, it is to much work to try to keep up with the young girls I would be competing with. And the ones that are too much into me are really just too much into me. They want to see me all the time, and I make up a bazilllion excuses as to why I cannot instead of just telling them "I'm really not interested"
I never thought, when I was younger, that I would still be just alone. I mean I thought I would be married, have a house, and kids (besides the 2 I have), financially sound, and just have my family and be happy. I think it is time for a top ten...
Top Ten Reasons Why I am Still Single
(this is not like the previous blog of Top Ten Reasons to stay single)
10. I have never lived with anyone
9. I have two kids who are old and no one wants to come in a "act" like a parent to children who are already groomed
8. I think I am right all of the time
7. I really just don't make the time to get out and meet people
6. Once I tell people I have had my surgery, they realize that everything underneath is a lot different than what they previously imagined, and they do not want to ruin that first image
5. Whenever I have told people how important my family is and that there opinion means the world to me, they back off. I mean I was raised by these people, if you like me, you should like them.
4. I concentrated too much on my career to worry about the importance of becoming a future wife to someone.
3. I dated two men who were in relationships and to others on the outside, it seems as though i am afraid of commitment. (Those relationships are detailed in my previous blogs and boy is it crazy to read how I was feeling then)
2. I am sometimey. Sometimes I look really good and other times I look really bad. People want consistency and some days I just don't have the time to be consistence.
1. I want it to bad. But when I say, I will just let it happen, I always fall for the wrong person.
I just hope that it doesn't happen too late. I feel like this is the only void in my life right now. Someone who is as proud to walk down the street with me as I am them!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Friendship
My good friend Joe picked the topic today, and that is what I am going to write about. Friendship. The problem is where do I start? Do we talk about my friendships with people, do we talk about what makes a good friendship, what makes a bad friendship? I don’t know I will just write and see what comes out.
So first of all I find that in this world of billions of people we will only have the opportunity to meet a miniscule percentage of those people. And of those people that you meet, only a smaller percentage will stick around for a lifetime. The really great thing about friendship, is that for true friends, you will always hold that relationship as close as possible. I have many types of friends. Some I have been friends with off and on since elementary school and some I met just a few years ago. The important thing is to value what you have. Then you have those other friends that only call you when they need something, or want to complain and you are the only dummy in this world that will listen to them, no matter what you say the conversation always turns back to them. And there are the friends that want you to choose between them and the other friends you have. Not fair, why do I have to choose?
I have a few friends, I am going to list them all and talk about them piece by piece. Because Joe gave me the topic I will start off with him, then we will go in chronological order of when I met people:
Joe – My gay husband. I just love you to death. We don’t speak often but we still communicate. You opened my eyes to a world I didn’t think I would ever know. I absolutely have a great time with you and your family. We have spent so much time together over the years. Although I wish you would throw away those damn senior prom pictures. I can always count on you for a good laugh but the thing I appreciate most about our friendship, is no matter what I decide my next venture will be in life, you always supported me. Always Always Always. Even if you knew it might land me in trouble. My most memorable moment of you was when you told Mrs. Mack that I was pregnant because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it I speak of you often and never refer to you by your name but always as my gay husband or my gusband. There is never a dull moment with you. Now can you move out of JasonLand so I can actually visit you.
Mom- I never thought the day would come when I would actually consider you my friend. Laying it all out on the table, I really did not like you growing up. I think I began to love and appreciate you more as I got older. Now I consider you one of my closest friends. I still won’t tell you everything but I share most of my life with you. I never thought I would come to appreciate you as much as I do. I think the distance has just brought us closer. I Love you so much. I love you for all of the sacrifices you have made for me and my boys, for working overnights so you could show us how NOT to be dependent on other people, for always putting us first, but most importantly for getting me prepared for the real world. I can think of so many times that I disappointed you and I know it strained our relationship quite a bit. Everything I accomplished was for two sole reasons. 1. So my kids could have a better life and 2. To show you I could accomplish the things I set out to do. I am so so sorry for all of the hurts I have caused you and I try my best to be a better daughter to you. I know that in so many ways you feel lonely right now, but please know that you always have a place with me. I also want to thank you for choosing my daddy. I know he wasn’t the best person in the world, but I know you saw something in him and regardless of how things turned out I love him. I used to hate when you would brag about us and our different accomplishments, now I strive for those accomplishments so you can brag about me, not only to other people, but to yourself. So you can say, dammit I raised a great girl. I will not promise to never disappoint you again, but know that if I ever do, it is not intentional. My fondest memory of you is actually a recent one. You and I went to Cracker Barrel and just talked, not about anything important, but it was great to sit there and just have a conversation with no stigmas attached.
Nichole – Half the time I cannot stand your ass. Especially after I get off the phone with mom. But I know you are the one person I can call at any time to talk about anything. We hated each other growing up, but now I just love you to death. I do not agree with all of your life choices but I know you do not agree with mine. You are still the only person in the world I share absolutely everything with, EVERYTHING! It doesn’t mean there are not things you don’t know but I could always tell you. I love you and my little nieces and nephews, I thank you for my babies, they are my heart! We can go so long without speaking and argue or whatever but in the end, we know that we love each other and nothing will take that away from us. Hands down we always got each other’s back! Skimasking and all! My fondest memory....BlogTV…during Halloween
Kristin – I love you and you know I do. We are not the closest that two sisters could have been but regardless I still consider you my friend. I love that I can vent to you and not worry about you judging me. I love my nieces and nephews you have given me, and I am so proud of you for how they are. I know that life gets difficult but you have persevered through so much and I want you to ensure that you instill that in your children. I love you with all of my heart and I hope that as we get older, our friendship grows more and more. My fondest memory of you: Ummmm sesame street highwaters. That’s all I am saying
Claudette: Wow 5th grade. That is where we met. All I knew is that I was the only black girl in the school because I don’t know if we considered the others black, and it was so good to see someone who looked like me. We have had our ups and downs, mostly downs, but there are so many great things about you and I wish we would have never parted. We were young and immature, and I think that with the way our friendship has blossomed now, it shows our maturity level and even more importantly that there are certain friends that you will have for life. There are so many things we have both been through during our years apart and we still have so much to share. I appreciate looking at your family and seeing just how well behaved and groomed and just all around good they are. I love spending time with you and the kids. You are like my Tasha when we were in college. I cannot think of anyone else that I would long to continue a friendship after so many years apart, and honestly didn’t think I would want it with you, but I think after a conversation with you, it just all came back. I want to apologize to you for all of the hurts that we caused each other over middle and high school. I know that nothing can ever bring those days back so we could relive them all over again. However, I hope we can more than make up for the time lost and just be there as a shoulder to lean on. My fondest memory….The day during Middle school graduation where I told you to sing Lift Every Voice and Sing. Freaking hilarious
Keitha – Shaketa, am I the only person that spells your name right. You are my ride or die chick. I remember the days when we used to leave messages in my locker on my locker machine thingy. The weekends were reserved for football and Wildcats! Football cakes for the Superbowl, Orange Street, 8th street, walking from downtown to your house to Price Chopper and back! Charisma, knee operations LOL. There is just so much of my life that you have shared with me. I sometimes feel that I can’t remember a time when you weren’t there by my side. I don’t know when life caught up with us, but I so appreciate the times when I could just call you and cry. You hated some of the people I was with and expressed it not because you were jealous but because you just knew they weren’t the right one for me. I am so proud of you and all you have done. Your boys are the best. Some of us are just meant to have great kids and you got them! Man, I cannot even express how proud I am of Dre and how you have just instilled core values in him, and he is going to be great. And Ari is just one of the smartest kids I know. There are so many things I know I would have never made it through without you, and I know there is so much more I won’t make it through without you. You are one of the only person outside of my family that is a lifelong friend. Not because I know you will be there for the rest of my life, because you have been there for most of its past. I love you so much. My fondest memory: there are almost too many to count but the one that sticks out right now in my mind was you willing to leave Charisma so you and I could dance together in the Follies.
Tasha – My bestest friend! Goodness I don’t know where I would be without you. You have just kept me levelheaded. I miss you so much. I cannot even remember a time when we fought or argued. I mean like stopped talking. Oh wait there was that week during May when we were roommates and I think we were just tired of each other. I can always depend on you for just good sound advice. I mean I also can depend on you to wake me up at 12AM at night also. The one thing I appreciate about you is no matter how long we go without talking I can always call you and it is like you just know what is going on or you are going through it yourself. It is amazing at how our lives are symbiotic and I love it! You are the one person that never ever ever judges me and when you do have something bad to say it is always so gently! My fondest memory of you: So many, but definitely Jamaica climbing the falls or us on the big yellow banana boat.
Jim – Wow, I don’t know where I would be without you. I feel like we have been connected for all 35 years of my life. I admire you and all you have been through. I love just sitting back and listening to your stories of you travelling around the world. It inspires me to do so much more. You are a free spirit and I can only hope to one day have the experiences you have had. You are my big brother that I never had! I look up to you and I am so so so appreciative of everything you have done for me. I love you like a brother because that is what I consider you. I cannot remember a time when you were not there. I feel like you have always been there in spirit. You give me sound advice and have taught me how to just be me. You love me for who I am and for who I could be and I hope to make you so proud one day. My fondest memory of you: One of the time we walked to the train station and you said “You don’t like the person you are, you like the potential you.” That opened my eyes
Julia – You were the first person to accept me when I went to Target. I felt like such a misfit there. Here I was amongst all of these other people as an outsider and you never hesitated to add me to the circle. Our friendship has grown so much since then and I appreciate that I have someone down here who just loves the things that I do and enjoys spending time with me. You have kind of taking Keithas spot while I am here as my ride or die chick. We spend the superbowl together and I know I can count on you to just lift my spirits. I love your little girl and she is going to be just like you, determined and focused. I love you so much and I am so grateful that you are in my life. My fondest memory of you: Shopping overnight at Macy’s on Christmas Eve
Garrett – I always seem to spell your name wrong the first time and you always correct me. We have only known each other for a year and a half, but I feel like I have known you so much longer. You are my dependable person. The one person I speak with almost on a daily basis and the conversation never gets old. I mean I know that sometimes I repeat my stories and you cut me off but there is just so much to talk about. I appreciate that I can call you when I am going through something and you will give me your honest opinion and whether I live up to that, I always take it into consideration. Many times I consider you my rock just because you keep me grounded and sane. There are many times I feel like I am going crazy and you are the first person to kind of talk me down. I admire so much about you. You are resilient, motivated and want nothing but the best for you and your girls. Our friendship gets rocky at some moments but I never want to imagine my life without you in it somehow. You are a great role model for your girls and they are such genuine people. I cannot think of anyone who has taken on the tasks that you have and come out the way you have. Your demeanor, love, and dedication to your daughters is admirable and I could only wish that I could have learned so many things from you so long ago when I had my kids. I cannot tell you how much I love that you love your girls so much. I truly value our friendship above anything else we have. I look forward to the days we spend together, especially in the summer exploring the city. We argue but in the end I think we both have an understanding that our friendship is important and I rely on you for the sound judgment. And I like the fact that you can be the Angel on my shoulder as well as the Devil. Hey sometimes you have to do things that make you feel good even if it isn’t good for you. I hope that one day we will be able to look back on our tumultuous times and laugh about them all as we appreciate the many good time we had. My fondest memory of you: The first time we went out to dinner and we just sat on the park bench and talked for what seemed like hours about children, motorcycles and just life!
So first of all I find that in this world of billions of people we will only have the opportunity to meet a miniscule percentage of those people. And of those people that you meet, only a smaller percentage will stick around for a lifetime. The really great thing about friendship, is that for true friends, you will always hold that relationship as close as possible. I have many types of friends. Some I have been friends with off and on since elementary school and some I met just a few years ago. The important thing is to value what you have. Then you have those other friends that only call you when they need something, or want to complain and you are the only dummy in this world that will listen to them, no matter what you say the conversation always turns back to them. And there are the friends that want you to choose between them and the other friends you have. Not fair, why do I have to choose?
I have a few friends, I am going to list them all and talk about them piece by piece. Because Joe gave me the topic I will start off with him, then we will go in chronological order of when I met people:
Joe – My gay husband. I just love you to death. We don’t speak often but we still communicate. You opened my eyes to a world I didn’t think I would ever know. I absolutely have a great time with you and your family. We have spent so much time together over the years. Although I wish you would throw away those damn senior prom pictures. I can always count on you for a good laugh but the thing I appreciate most about our friendship, is no matter what I decide my next venture will be in life, you always supported me. Always Always Always. Even if you knew it might land me in trouble. My most memorable moment of you was when you told Mrs. Mack that I was pregnant because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it I speak of you often and never refer to you by your name but always as my gay husband or my gusband. There is never a dull moment with you. Now can you move out of JasonLand so I can actually visit you.
Mom- I never thought the day would come when I would actually consider you my friend. Laying it all out on the table, I really did not like you growing up. I think I began to love and appreciate you more as I got older. Now I consider you one of my closest friends. I still won’t tell you everything but I share most of my life with you. I never thought I would come to appreciate you as much as I do. I think the distance has just brought us closer. I Love you so much. I love you for all of the sacrifices you have made for me and my boys, for working overnights so you could show us how NOT to be dependent on other people, for always putting us first, but most importantly for getting me prepared for the real world. I can think of so many times that I disappointed you and I know it strained our relationship quite a bit. Everything I accomplished was for two sole reasons. 1. So my kids could have a better life and 2. To show you I could accomplish the things I set out to do. I am so so sorry for all of the hurts I have caused you and I try my best to be a better daughter to you. I know that in so many ways you feel lonely right now, but please know that you always have a place with me. I also want to thank you for choosing my daddy. I know he wasn’t the best person in the world, but I know you saw something in him and regardless of how things turned out I love him. I used to hate when you would brag about us and our different accomplishments, now I strive for those accomplishments so you can brag about me, not only to other people, but to yourself. So you can say, dammit I raised a great girl. I will not promise to never disappoint you again, but know that if I ever do, it is not intentional. My fondest memory of you is actually a recent one. You and I went to Cracker Barrel and just talked, not about anything important, but it was great to sit there and just have a conversation with no stigmas attached.
Nichole – Half the time I cannot stand your ass. Especially after I get off the phone with mom. But I know you are the one person I can call at any time to talk about anything. We hated each other growing up, but now I just love you to death. I do not agree with all of your life choices but I know you do not agree with mine. You are still the only person in the world I share absolutely everything with, EVERYTHING! It doesn’t mean there are not things you don’t know but I could always tell you. I love you and my little nieces and nephews, I thank you for my babies, they are my heart! We can go so long without speaking and argue or whatever but in the end, we know that we love each other and nothing will take that away from us. Hands down we always got each other’s back! Skimasking and all! My fondest memory....BlogTV…during Halloween
Kristin – I love you and you know I do. We are not the closest that two sisters could have been but regardless I still consider you my friend. I love that I can vent to you and not worry about you judging me. I love my nieces and nephews you have given me, and I am so proud of you for how they are. I know that life gets difficult but you have persevered through so much and I want you to ensure that you instill that in your children. I love you with all of my heart and I hope that as we get older, our friendship grows more and more. My fondest memory of you: Ummmm sesame street highwaters. That’s all I am saying
Claudette: Wow 5th grade. That is where we met. All I knew is that I was the only black girl in the school because I don’t know if we considered the others black, and it was so good to see someone who looked like me. We have had our ups and downs, mostly downs, but there are so many great things about you and I wish we would have never parted. We were young and immature, and I think that with the way our friendship has blossomed now, it shows our maturity level and even more importantly that there are certain friends that you will have for life. There are so many things we have both been through during our years apart and we still have so much to share. I appreciate looking at your family and seeing just how well behaved and groomed and just all around good they are. I love spending time with you and the kids. You are like my Tasha when we were in college. I cannot think of anyone else that I would long to continue a friendship after so many years apart, and honestly didn’t think I would want it with you, but I think after a conversation with you, it just all came back. I want to apologize to you for all of the hurts that we caused each other over middle and high school. I know that nothing can ever bring those days back so we could relive them all over again. However, I hope we can more than make up for the time lost and just be there as a shoulder to lean on. My fondest memory….The day during Middle school graduation where I told you to sing Lift Every Voice and Sing. Freaking hilarious
Keitha – Shaketa, am I the only person that spells your name right. You are my ride or die chick. I remember the days when we used to leave messages in my locker on my locker machine thingy. The weekends were reserved for football and Wildcats! Football cakes for the Superbowl, Orange Street, 8th street, walking from downtown to your house to Price Chopper and back! Charisma, knee operations LOL. There is just so much of my life that you have shared with me. I sometimes feel that I can’t remember a time when you weren’t there by my side. I don’t know when life caught up with us, but I so appreciate the times when I could just call you and cry. You hated some of the people I was with and expressed it not because you were jealous but because you just knew they weren’t the right one for me. I am so proud of you and all you have done. Your boys are the best. Some of us are just meant to have great kids and you got them! Man, I cannot even express how proud I am of Dre and how you have just instilled core values in him, and he is going to be great. And Ari is just one of the smartest kids I know. There are so many things I know I would have never made it through without you, and I know there is so much more I won’t make it through without you. You are one of the only person outside of my family that is a lifelong friend. Not because I know you will be there for the rest of my life, because you have been there for most of its past. I love you so much. My fondest memory: there are almost too many to count but the one that sticks out right now in my mind was you willing to leave Charisma so you and I could dance together in the Follies.
Tasha – My bestest friend! Goodness I don’t know where I would be without you. You have just kept me levelheaded. I miss you so much. I cannot even remember a time when we fought or argued. I mean like stopped talking. Oh wait there was that week during May when we were roommates and I think we were just tired of each other. I can always depend on you for just good sound advice. I mean I also can depend on you to wake me up at 12AM at night also. The one thing I appreciate about you is no matter how long we go without talking I can always call you and it is like you just know what is going on or you are going through it yourself. It is amazing at how our lives are symbiotic and I love it! You are the one person that never ever ever judges me and when you do have something bad to say it is always so gently! My fondest memory of you: So many, but definitely Jamaica climbing the falls or us on the big yellow banana boat.
Jim – Wow, I don’t know where I would be without you. I feel like we have been connected for all 35 years of my life. I admire you and all you have been through. I love just sitting back and listening to your stories of you travelling around the world. It inspires me to do so much more. You are a free spirit and I can only hope to one day have the experiences you have had. You are my big brother that I never had! I look up to you and I am so so so appreciative of everything you have done for me. I love you like a brother because that is what I consider you. I cannot remember a time when you were not there. I feel like you have always been there in spirit. You give me sound advice and have taught me how to just be me. You love me for who I am and for who I could be and I hope to make you so proud one day. My fondest memory of you: One of the time we walked to the train station and you said “You don’t like the person you are, you like the potential you.” That opened my eyes
Julia – You were the first person to accept me when I went to Target. I felt like such a misfit there. Here I was amongst all of these other people as an outsider and you never hesitated to add me to the circle. Our friendship has grown so much since then and I appreciate that I have someone down here who just loves the things that I do and enjoys spending time with me. You have kind of taking Keithas spot while I am here as my ride or die chick. We spend the superbowl together and I know I can count on you to just lift my spirits. I love your little girl and she is going to be just like you, determined and focused. I love you so much and I am so grateful that you are in my life. My fondest memory of you: Shopping overnight at Macy’s on Christmas Eve
Garrett – I always seem to spell your name wrong the first time and you always correct me. We have only known each other for a year and a half, but I feel like I have known you so much longer. You are my dependable person. The one person I speak with almost on a daily basis and the conversation never gets old. I mean I know that sometimes I repeat my stories and you cut me off but there is just so much to talk about. I appreciate that I can call you when I am going through something and you will give me your honest opinion and whether I live up to that, I always take it into consideration. Many times I consider you my rock just because you keep me grounded and sane. There are many times I feel like I am going crazy and you are the first person to kind of talk me down. I admire so much about you. You are resilient, motivated and want nothing but the best for you and your girls. Our friendship gets rocky at some moments but I never want to imagine my life without you in it somehow. You are a great role model for your girls and they are such genuine people. I cannot think of anyone who has taken on the tasks that you have and come out the way you have. Your demeanor, love, and dedication to your daughters is admirable and I could only wish that I could have learned so many things from you so long ago when I had my kids. I cannot tell you how much I love that you love your girls so much. I truly value our friendship above anything else we have. I look forward to the days we spend together, especially in the summer exploring the city. We argue but in the end I think we both have an understanding that our friendship is important and I rely on you for the sound judgment. And I like the fact that you can be the Angel on my shoulder as well as the Devil. Hey sometimes you have to do things that make you feel good even if it isn’t good for you. I hope that one day we will be able to look back on our tumultuous times and laugh about them all as we appreciate the many good time we had. My fondest memory of you: The first time we went out to dinner and we just sat on the park bench and talked for what seemed like hours about children, motorcycles and just life!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Today is January 17th 2012
I am hoping that one day I can look back at this day and think…How the hell did I get there? Today has not been a good day for me. I am having issues with the young one at school. His principal called me and I expressed my frustrations with her on the phone and she completely agreed with me. Emmanuel does not put the effort in that he needs to at school. I know a lot of this is my fault. I was so damn worried about my own schooling that I just neglected to sit down and show him proper discipline. I am trying to really be the best mother that I can but it is just so freaking hard. I work a gazillion hours (I mean it is better than Target) I have to be his mother and his father and support the household. When does it all just stop? Can we put life on hold for a moment please???? I just need a month to be able to get my life in order and get used to the way things are probably going to be for the rest of my life. This is not at all what I imagined my thirties would be like and it is trying me! I didn’t expect to have kids and raise them alone and I didn’t want to. I mean I know I have made the choices I have but I have tried and tried again to overcome and I feel like I just keep getting slapped in the face every time. When do I have my time? I know I won’t. Goodness this is very hard right now. I really just want to e the best that I can be with him and Nate, and I know I am not trying hard enough. How long does it take for a person to change their habits. 21 days they say and there are a lot of habits we all need to change in order to have a smoothly running household.
I feel lonely! Very Very lonely. I just called my mom to tell her that I miss her. She was busy at work, she apologized I know she had work to do but I just really needed someone to talk to. I miss my family so much. I have been gone for two years now and even though I can go back at the drop of a hat really, I don’t want to. My whole life all I ever dreamed about was being here in New York City. I would visit and my heart would palpitate because I just loved the energy here. Now that I am here I love it but I have NO ONE except my cousin Jim. Good ole reliable. I sometimes feel as though Jim was just meant to be my lifelong mate. Not in a sexual way (get your mind out of the gutter) but just my mate. We do so well with each other and without him I really do not know where I would be. I feel like I have no one down here. I have no girlfriends, they are all upstate. Sometime I just want to lay in the bed like me and Keitha, and eat popcorn ad watch movies all day. Have that our time together, and I have not met one person here who can fill that “girlfriend” void for me. Goodness what do you do when you feel like your life is just time slipping by and there are so many things that you want and HAVE to do, but there is just not enough time for that, parenting, working, supporting your kids (emotionally) supporting everyone else in your life, living up to people’s expectations, trying to be someone your not just to catch someone’s eye, keeping the house clean, laundry, extracurricular time with the boys, and sleeping! There just isn’t enough time. I want a break from my life. I need a break from my life!
Then on top of all that I have no less than three men chasing me and I just keep dragging them along because the person I want doesn’t want me. I figure well something is better than nothing. I do not even mean in a sexual way. I just want to be held, to not be judged, to share experiences with someone, for someone to enjoy some of the things I do and not give me a hard time about it, to explore new things and most importantly to have a family. Do you all know how hard it is to try to date and keep it away from your boys because you don’t want to give them the wrong impression. Then when do you eventually introduce people to them. I have always taken pride in the fact that I don’t just bring random people around them but damn when you are in your bed and lonely at night sometimes you just want to make that phone call and say “Can you come over? No I don’t want to sleep with you, I just want to cuddle and feel your arms wrapped around me like we just slept together, to feel the intimacy that people have in their relationships, I want you to tell me you love me, and in the morning I want to wake up with you next to me and then we can go on with our day as though it was the best night we ever had.” I have my faults, when people see me in pictures or in person they see confident, strong, pretty or whatever, but I am a broken woman. I am feeling very broken right now. No I feel broken down. I feel like I am at the last leg of the rest and just cannot go on any further. (I am not suicidal, don’t worry) My heart pounds everytime I think about how long I have been alone and I wonder when will it be my turn? I had someone recently ask me if we are not married by a certain age, can we just get married. No! I don’t want that. If I did I could have been married a long time ago to good ole faithful. I want someone to love me, no be in love with me. I want someone who loves me for the person I am and not the person they want me to be. I don’t want to have to change, I mean I can definitely compromise on some of my faults, but I don’t want to become a completely different person and leave the old Hope behind.
Goodness I am lonely. When will this feeling end?
I feel lonely! Very Very lonely. I just called my mom to tell her that I miss her. She was busy at work, she apologized I know she had work to do but I just really needed someone to talk to. I miss my family so much. I have been gone for two years now and even though I can go back at the drop of a hat really, I don’t want to. My whole life all I ever dreamed about was being here in New York City. I would visit and my heart would palpitate because I just loved the energy here. Now that I am here I love it but I have NO ONE except my cousin Jim. Good ole reliable. I sometimes feel as though Jim was just meant to be my lifelong mate. Not in a sexual way (get your mind out of the gutter) but just my mate. We do so well with each other and without him I really do not know where I would be. I feel like I have no one down here. I have no girlfriends, they are all upstate. Sometime I just want to lay in the bed like me and Keitha, and eat popcorn ad watch movies all day. Have that our time together, and I have not met one person here who can fill that “girlfriend” void for me. Goodness what do you do when you feel like your life is just time slipping by and there are so many things that you want and HAVE to do, but there is just not enough time for that, parenting, working, supporting your kids (emotionally) supporting everyone else in your life, living up to people’s expectations, trying to be someone your not just to catch someone’s eye, keeping the house clean, laundry, extracurricular time with the boys, and sleeping! There just isn’t enough time. I want a break from my life. I need a break from my life!
Then on top of all that I have no less than three men chasing me and I just keep dragging them along because the person I want doesn’t want me. I figure well something is better than nothing. I do not even mean in a sexual way. I just want to be held, to not be judged, to share experiences with someone, for someone to enjoy some of the things I do and not give me a hard time about it, to explore new things and most importantly to have a family. Do you all know how hard it is to try to date and keep it away from your boys because you don’t want to give them the wrong impression. Then when do you eventually introduce people to them. I have always taken pride in the fact that I don’t just bring random people around them but damn when you are in your bed and lonely at night sometimes you just want to make that phone call and say “Can you come over? No I don’t want to sleep with you, I just want to cuddle and feel your arms wrapped around me like we just slept together, to feel the intimacy that people have in their relationships, I want you to tell me you love me, and in the morning I want to wake up with you next to me and then we can go on with our day as though it was the best night we ever had.” I have my faults, when people see me in pictures or in person they see confident, strong, pretty or whatever, but I am a broken woman. I am feeling very broken right now. No I feel broken down. I feel like I am at the last leg of the rest and just cannot go on any further. (I am not suicidal, don’t worry) My heart pounds everytime I think about how long I have been alone and I wonder when will it be my turn? I had someone recently ask me if we are not married by a certain age, can we just get married. No! I don’t want that. If I did I could have been married a long time ago to good ole faithful. I want someone to love me, no be in love with me. I want someone who loves me for the person I am and not the person they want me to be. I don’t want to have to change, I mean I can definitely compromise on some of my faults, but I don’t want to become a completely different person and leave the old Hope behind.
Goodness I am lonely. When will this feeling end?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Life
So many things to do so little time. i am struggling with a lot of things right now finances, love, friendships, children. The worst part is i have no one to talk to I mean really talk to. I think i am going to start seeing a therapist. I have pushed away my best friend, and now am living my life in the dark it seems.
This weekend is my graduation party and the crazy thing is i dont even want to have it. It will be nothing without having the people i care about the mos being there. But i know i needed to do what was best for me. And that is what really matters. So here are the issues i am facing today:
Children
My baby just called me to tell me he passed the 3rd grade. He is so freaking adorable and gets excited over everything. He dressed up today because it was his last day of school. He wore jeans a dress shirt and a tie. I definitely think i need to invest in classier clothing for him, as lately he is feeling the need to wear the same 2 dress shirts to school with a tie. And he only has about 2 of those. He will be in the fourth grade next year. I am not sure what the heck i am going to do with him over the summer. i am trying to send him to an overnight camp for the week. i think he would enjoy it, but miss me alot. but it will be a good experience for him. Spending time away, meeting new people, and hopefully coming out of his shell.
I still have spoken to Nate. And it kills me everytime I see him. I have packed his belongings and sent them downstairs. I just cannot bear much of this. It hurts me that he is throwing his life away for a girl but i guess he has to go through it to learn what he needs to do in the end. i am still so upset by it, but I have to let him live his own life.
Love
i am single again. By my own accord this time. I am trying to stick to it this time. I had the hardest time last week coming to terms that I beleive that he did not move out. The signs were all there. I just tried to overlook them. I then realized that I just really dont trust him. I cannot get past the fact that i have been lied to so many times over the course of the last year. It has been rough and i love him so much. i honestly feel like he is my soulmate. But i know he absolutely needs to feel that way to. I hate the fact that I have lost my best friend. I hate the fact that i cannot hear his voice, and dont even remember after 2 days what it sounds like. but what I hate even more is that he is just not ready for me. He does not want to be with me because he cannot at this time. He needs to work on what he needs to and that is all. In the meantime i am here lonely, and distraught. I put too much into this. I am trying to be strong, but everytime my phone lights up i pray it is him. My heart bleeds to just have him want me and only me, but that is a risk he just is not willing to take. I wish i could go on. i was willing to make so many sacrifices, but in the end i guess if the other is not willing to make those same sacrifices i should reconsider where my priorities should be.
Finances
Point blank I need a better paying job, and it does not seem to be happening here. i am so broke i cannot even stand on one leg at this point
Friendships
i have no one to talk to who understands me. Point blank. i am alone.
This weekend is my graduation party and the crazy thing is i dont even want to have it. It will be nothing without having the people i care about the mos being there. But i know i needed to do what was best for me. And that is what really matters. So here are the issues i am facing today:
Children
My baby just called me to tell me he passed the 3rd grade. He is so freaking adorable and gets excited over everything. He dressed up today because it was his last day of school. He wore jeans a dress shirt and a tie. I definitely think i need to invest in classier clothing for him, as lately he is feeling the need to wear the same 2 dress shirts to school with a tie. And he only has about 2 of those. He will be in the fourth grade next year. I am not sure what the heck i am going to do with him over the summer. i am trying to send him to an overnight camp for the week. i think he would enjoy it, but miss me alot. but it will be a good experience for him. Spending time away, meeting new people, and hopefully coming out of his shell.
I still have spoken to Nate. And it kills me everytime I see him. I have packed his belongings and sent them downstairs. I just cannot bear much of this. It hurts me that he is throwing his life away for a girl but i guess he has to go through it to learn what he needs to do in the end. i am still so upset by it, but I have to let him live his own life.
Love
i am single again. By my own accord this time. I am trying to stick to it this time. I had the hardest time last week coming to terms that I beleive that he did not move out. The signs were all there. I just tried to overlook them. I then realized that I just really dont trust him. I cannot get past the fact that i have been lied to so many times over the course of the last year. It has been rough and i love him so much. i honestly feel like he is my soulmate. But i know he absolutely needs to feel that way to. I hate the fact that I have lost my best friend. I hate the fact that i cannot hear his voice, and dont even remember after 2 days what it sounds like. but what I hate even more is that he is just not ready for me. He does not want to be with me because he cannot at this time. He needs to work on what he needs to and that is all. In the meantime i am here lonely, and distraught. I put too much into this. I am trying to be strong, but everytime my phone lights up i pray it is him. My heart bleeds to just have him want me and only me, but that is a risk he just is not willing to take. I wish i could go on. i was willing to make so many sacrifices, but in the end i guess if the other is not willing to make those same sacrifices i should reconsider where my priorities should be.
Finances
Point blank I need a better paying job, and it does not seem to be happening here. i am so broke i cannot even stand on one leg at this point
Friendships
i have no one to talk to who understands me. Point blank. i am alone.
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