I Had a Breakdown

Moved from Myspace. Original Post 12/23/08

So I technically should be processing payments for payroll tomorrow, but once again I am up writing. I think I need to get a journal. Lately I am always in the writing mood.

So we were on the show tonight and I told my sister that I had a complete breakdown at work last week. And she was upset because it was not with her :) She is after all my bestest friend. I told her I could not because she would just laugh at me. But I really did. I had a bad breakdown at work. Sobbing and everything. Here is what it was about.

Some of you know that life has been chaotic for me the past few months. My love life has been crazy, home life is chaotic, and work is nuts (year end). So I was talking to a friend about some things, and I told her that if I was destined to be by myself for the rest of my days then so be it, but no one really wants that. Now if I have been single for this long, why the rush now. Am I getting old, do I feel my biological clock ticking, what exactly is it. I have never ever been the type of person to beg someone to be with me. Once you say that it is time to let go, you will never hear from me again. Don't beleive me, ask. Anyone will tell you that if we have begun speaking again, they reach out not me. I think I got that way because I used to see my mom beg for people to stay, and I vowed I would never do that. As I stated in a previous blog, I am 100% satisified with myself and will never lower myself to the standard of that. If you want to leave, by all means go. I have also been a very independent woman. I had a child extremely young, and still finished school, went to college, and am now completing my MBA. All of this I did by myself. Well I cannot say that honestly, my mom helped alot in the early years. But for the past ten years, it has always been me and my boys. That is what life has centered around. Doing what I need to to ensure that they have the best life possible. Making sure that by seeing everything I have done, they know that they need to get it done right the first time, so they are not playing catch up on the rest of their lives.

That was when I realized why I feel the way I feel. My life has essentially been centered around me and boys, as it should be. And my oldest is 16 now. He will be gone in 2 years to go start his life, and it will be just me and man man. Everyone knows that man man is a mommy's boy and he ain't leaving when he turns 18. I realized that I am feeling like this because the only man that has been steady in my life will be leaving soon. Am I trying to find someone to take his place, No, no one can take his place, but what will my house be like without him? I literally brokedown at my desk sobbing. And not because I have not found someone, but more because my baby is leaving soon, and I do not know how to deal with it.

Most people know that Nathanael and I have never had the best relationship. I like to say that we have more of a brother sister relationship instead of a mother son relationship. We have been to counseling and for the last few years we have been learning how to try to cope with each other until he leaves. It should not be like that and I always hope that one day he will appreciate the fact that I truly love him unconditionally. Because of this tumultuous relationship, I never realized how much I would truly miss him when he is gone. I mean of course we won't fight as often and I won't worry about the things I see everyday, but really he is my firstborn. He is my Bubs, my Poobers, my Nate (I finally can call him that). He and I have been through the worst of times together. There were days when we just did not know what would be for dinner that night, and we found a way through. He has seen the worst of me and he has seen the best of me. He has been with me when I have completely lost my mind. There are so many experiences we share. He has been a part of my life for half of the time I have been on this earth. And I realized exactly how much I will truly miss him.

I wish things could have turned out better for the both of us. I wish that I could have provided him a better life than what he has had so far. I wish that I could completely clear his mind of all of the bad things I have ever said to him. I wish I could clear his mind of all the nonsense he has seen. I wish that he would realize his full potential. I wish he could see how much I appreciate him. I wish he could understand that everything I do is for him. I wish he would have a better understanding of himself and know what he wants out of life. I wish he would make the right choices. I wish he would not understimate the decisions he has made. I wish he could just see that he does not want to go through the same things I did. And most importantly, I wish he could fully understand how much I love, appreciate and cherish him.

Nate I love you so much more than you will ever know. So am I looking for his replacement, no of course not. It is just that my love life has made me realize other things in life also. Once my kids are gone, will I be by myself. No I do not think so. I know that I have a destiny, I just need to make the right choices to get there. Am I on the right path. I believe so, but I know that sometimes what we have planned is not always what HE has planned. And if I get off that path, he will find a way to pick me up out of the thorns and place me back on that path as HE has so many times before. But in the meantime, I will work on my relationship with my son, and finding a way to make the most of the two years I have left with him here with me permanently.