An Open Letter

Hi,

I am writing an open letter to you. I need to get it off of my chest. I am sure that half of the things you know is not correct so I need to just say what it is I have to say and then I will finally be over it.

I am not sure what has been told to you, but I will tell the truth because I am sure that much of it is not true.

I met him back in june. Online. it was not something i expected to develop so quickly, and unfortunately it did. We would have small conversations at first but then then things spiraled out of control. our feelings grew deep and strong. I repeatedly questioned him and he told me no every single time. i began to have thoughts when I noticed that he would only call at certain times, but the person that I am I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I realize now i should never have done that.

i know you are thinking that this is all about a booty call, and it is not. Do you really think that someone would really travel for a piece of ass when there is so much available right thre. No that is stupid. Obviously there was a connection.

When i received your request the first time, I was absolutely heartbroken. I had met someone i had poured my life out to, and he lied to me. in the worst way. And especially after I gave him multiple chances to come clean. It was what it was though, and as i felt hurt, I knew that i had to go on. And believe me I tried. I tried to just push away so many times, but he was in pursuit. This is not about the pursuit honey, because if that were the case, it would have been over a very long time ago. This was about two people who had very strong feelingd for each other, and did not know what the next step should be.

He told me multiple times that there was so much at stake with me, and he was not sure if it was a risk he was willing to take. He told me he loved you, but you were not the kind of love he was searching for. He said that i gave him a breath of frsh air, and although I am sure that after a while, my air would go stale, there is no woman that can deny, hearing those words are like music. So I let it go on. Only under the premise that eventually we would be together.

Of course, i knew someone would get hurt in this whole process, you, me, and definitely him. And in essence all three of us. Especially because no matter which one of us has to go the other will have to deal with his grief of losing the other woman. I was not sure if i could do that. Everyday I would get a phone call about the arguments or the accusations, and everyday i asked him if we should just wait. We may have met at the wrong time, and it will come back to us eventually. And everyday he reached out to me, imore intense than the last.

I decided that it was best that we not contact each other and did not see hime when i went down there, but that was not in his plans, and he was heartbroken when i did not respond to any calls. I actually went to the point to just block all of the numbers he would normally call me from so i would not even know that he called. The next day that was all I heard about. I abandoned him, once again. i made a decision about our relationship without consulting him. i am always tryingto do what is best without taking consideration of his feelings. Do not get me wrong, I was upset that i did not see him, but i felt it was the best thing to do. I said he should really try to work it out with you, and just be honest about the situation. if there was nothing wrong, why try to fix it with someone else. His kids are down there, and I am up here. How are we going to make this work?

One word....Hope

When he came up here (or as he said he did) he decided that he would not contact me. I am not sure if it was payback, but whatever. I sent him an email stating that he should not contact me again. That i cannot keep going trough this. And although i was willing to wait, i really did not think i could. I was the one going to bed alone eveyr night, not him, and it really was not fair. I wrote him a letter that night and explained my feeling to him. He never got the letter before he called me one morning last week. And honestly, i did not mean to pick up the phone. We had a brief conversation that turned into a much longer one. And ended with the fact that once again, I was making decisions for everyone without consulting him. We did not leave things on a bad note, but it also was not a good note.

That was why he visited here on Friday. i know he told you i went down there, but really, do you hnestly believe that? So he stayed here, and I said over and over again he should call you. He refused. And i know it was not because he just did not want to, it was because he was scared. Scared of everything hitting the fan as it did. I apologize, not because of what happened but because I did not truly understand his true feelings for me. And that was what caused this. If I would have understood how deeply he felt, he would have never came up here to show me how much he really loved me.

And even after all of that i still am trying to let go. Not because i want to but because i need to. I gave him that letter I wrote him when he visited and I am sure that he has said that the letter was the reason we needed to meet. Not at all. I read him the letter 2 days beforehand. I am trying to let go for my own sanity and for yours. And that is what i told him. I cannot keep going through this emotional rollercoaster and continue to push away to be pulled back and not understand the full extent of what is going on.

In the end, you can have him. I love him, but I cannot fight any longer. I would be willing to fight for him, but I cannot continue to see him get hurt. And althought I wish this was easy, I know that it is not easy for him at all. As i said before, i do not know if we will be together in the end. I do know that he has alot of changing to do before we can be together, because i will not allow the things that have happened with you, happen with me. And only time will tell if that is a sacrifice he is willing to truly make.