So many things to do so little time. i am struggling with a lot of things right now finances, love, friendships, children. The worst part is i have no one to talk to I mean really talk to. I think i am going to start seeing a therapist. I have pushed away my best friend, and now am living my life in the dark it seems.
This weekend is my graduation party and the crazy thing is i dont even want to have it. It will be nothing without having the people i care about the mos being there. But i know i needed to do what was best for me. And that is what really matters. So here are the issues i am facing today:
Children
My baby just called me to tell me he passed the 3rd grade. He is so freaking adorable and gets excited over everything. He dressed up today because it was his last day of school. He wore jeans a dress shirt and a tie. I definitely think i need to invest in classier clothing for him, as lately he is feeling the need to wear the same 2 dress shirts to school with a tie. And he only has about 2 of those. He will be in the fourth grade next year. I am not sure what the heck i am going to do with him over the summer. i am trying to send him to an overnight camp for the week. i think he would enjoy it, but miss me alot. but it will be a good experience for him. Spending time away, meeting new people, and hopefully coming out of his shell.
I still have spoken to Nate. And it kills me everytime I see him. I have packed his belongings and sent them downstairs. I just cannot bear much of this. It hurts me that he is throwing his life away for a girl but i guess he has to go through it to learn what he needs to do in the end. i am still so upset by it, but I have to let him live his own life.
Love
i am single again. By my own accord this time. I am trying to stick to it this time. I had the hardest time last week coming to terms that I beleive that he did not move out. The signs were all there. I just tried to overlook them. I then realized that I just really dont trust him. I cannot get past the fact that i have been lied to so many times over the course of the last year. It has been rough and i love him so much. i honestly feel like he is my soulmate. But i know he absolutely needs to feel that way to. I hate the fact that I have lost my best friend. I hate the fact that i cannot hear his voice, and dont even remember after 2 days what it sounds like. but what I hate even more is that he is just not ready for me. He does not want to be with me because he cannot at this time. He needs to work on what he needs to and that is all. In the meantime i am here lonely, and distraught. I put too much into this. I am trying to be strong, but everytime my phone lights up i pray it is him. My heart bleeds to just have him want me and only me, but that is a risk he just is not willing to take. I wish i could go on. i was willing to make so many sacrifices, but in the end i guess if the other is not willing to make those same sacrifices i should reconsider where my priorities should be.
Finances
Point blank I need a better paying job, and it does not seem to be happening here. i am so broke i cannot even stand on one leg at this point
Friendships
i have no one to talk to who understands me. Point blank. i am alone.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
The little things
So last night i was driving downstate to go pick up my baby. on the way there I was thinking about the little things tha make you happy when you are not doing well. Here are the little things I thought of that put a smile on my face.
Waking up to Good morning Mommys baby
Coming to work and realizing the only emails you have are junk emails
Driving past a Truck and your kidd making that hand movement to have him him honk there horn and they do it proudly
Waking up with the man of your dreams next to you every day
Realizing the stalker has finally stopped calling you
Getting an email from a friend telling you no matter how bad it gets she still loves you
Giving yourself a mani or pedi
Leftovers the next day
Just hearing "Keep up the good work"
Listening
Talking
Waking up every morning
Going to lay down at night and actually shutting your eyes realizing how tired you were
Talking to an old friend
Visiting a relative you have never me
i dont know..Add your own :)
Waking up to Good morning Mommys baby
Coming to work and realizing the only emails you have are junk emails
Driving past a Truck and your kidd making that hand movement to have him him honk there horn and they do it proudly
Waking up with the man of your dreams next to you every day
Realizing the stalker has finally stopped calling you
Getting an email from a friend telling you no matter how bad it gets she still loves you
Giving yourself a mani or pedi
Leftovers the next day
Just hearing "Keep up the good work"
Listening
Talking
Waking up every morning
Going to lay down at night and actually shutting your eyes realizing how tired you were
Talking to an old friend
Visiting a relative you have never me
i dont know..Add your own :)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
This week
So I went to the dentist FINALLY yesterday after much urging from friends and family. They said I need a very deep fill or a root canal. I have not been to the dentist in a while. She said i have extremely good dental hygeine but I need to make sure I go to the dentist. LOL I am so lazy when it comes to that stuff. So I go in for my root canal on Tuesday. I am so not looking forward to it. I started taking antibiotics until then and she gave me Loritab to take to help ease the pain. Problem is it really knocks me out.So I am working from home for the rest of the week and hopefully I will feel better. I also went to the Dr. about the big spot on my back and they said if I do not have it removed soon, it could become cancerous. I am like WTF? How the heck did this happen? How did I even get it? I am nervous. i have had it this long and so far it has not turned cancerous. Maybe I will just wait and see what happens. She said it would be very painful and they will probably have to do skin grafts after it is removed. Goodness this is hectic. Only me.
Well I finally got my blackberry and absolutely love it. Donald convinced me to get it and I got a cute pink one. Although I am still trying to figure out how to work it. The keys are so freaking small so i am still having a hard time trying to type on it. I love the call blocker. So I did not have to change my number I just blocked the stalker from calling my phone. He is freaking crazy. Told him i needed a few months by myself and he still calls me fifty times a day. LOL not anymore. OMG and I just went into my recent calls and I can actually block numbers from there. I love this program. This call blocker is awesome too because you can block whole numbers or just area codes. If anyone needs it email me and I will send it to you. I just randomly go through the applications to add them. I never ever have to visit the real facebook again :) or my yahoo mail or messenger. I started to delete my regualr main and just use my bb email but it would be too much of a hassle to send around to everyone a new email address.
On the show on Tuesday we came up with a bunch of new websites. Ahh I am actually going to switch and begin doing the show on Tuesdays. Way more ppl showed up and wanted me to do it on Tuesdays. We had a very good crowd in there. Close to 200 viewers in one night. It was awesome. We started to talk about what new sites we could start and all I have to say is my viewers are awesome. They are so funny and I hope a comedian never stops in my room to take the jokes from my ppl. The African husband called in on Tuesday. LMAO the funny thing was that the real African showed up also. I was dying. He said he was calling from his one time use parakeet. He had to sell many goats to try to get me home to Africa.
And one of the other things we talked about was the whole six degrees of separation. Everyone knows that my fantasy is Nas. Obsessed is more the word. So we were trying to figure out who knows who. It is funny how many people are out there that know people. Flajigga is cousins with Kobe. LOL so he is going to call Kobe and see if Kobe knows Nas so I can meet him. Now I am not a fan of Kobe and really could care less about him. I just want to know if he know my man. LMAO At first i did not believe him, but when we spoke last night, I beleive him. We are trying to get a partnership together for the toy business. Someone else has a freind that know Russell. That may work a little better for me :) Either way next week I am doing a segment on the reasons I need to meet Nas post it on youtube and hopefully he will see it. LOL
Well I am getting back to work. My tooth is feeling better. I may just go in today. Nah I have laundry to do.
Well I finally got my blackberry and absolutely love it. Donald convinced me to get it and I got a cute pink one. Although I am still trying to figure out how to work it. The keys are so freaking small so i am still having a hard time trying to type on it. I love the call blocker. So I did not have to change my number I just blocked the stalker from calling my phone. He is freaking crazy. Told him i needed a few months by myself and he still calls me fifty times a day. LOL not anymore. OMG and I just went into my recent calls and I can actually block numbers from there. I love this program. This call blocker is awesome too because you can block whole numbers or just area codes. If anyone needs it email me and I will send it to you. I just randomly go through the applications to add them. I never ever have to visit the real facebook again :) or my yahoo mail or messenger. I started to delete my regualr main and just use my bb email but it would be too much of a hassle to send around to everyone a new email address.
On the show on Tuesday we came up with a bunch of new websites. Ahh I am actually going to switch and begin doing the show on Tuesdays. Way more ppl showed up and wanted me to do it on Tuesdays. We had a very good crowd in there. Close to 200 viewers in one night. It was awesome. We started to talk about what new sites we could start and all I have to say is my viewers are awesome. They are so funny and I hope a comedian never stops in my room to take the jokes from my ppl. The African husband called in on Tuesday. LMAO the funny thing was that the real African showed up also. I was dying. He said he was calling from his one time use parakeet. He had to sell many goats to try to get me home to Africa.
And one of the other things we talked about was the whole six degrees of separation. Everyone knows that my fantasy is Nas. Obsessed is more the word. So we were trying to figure out who knows who. It is funny how many people are out there that know people. Flajigga is cousins with Kobe. LOL so he is going to call Kobe and see if Kobe knows Nas so I can meet him. Now I am not a fan of Kobe and really could care less about him. I just want to know if he know my man. LMAO At first i did not believe him, but when we spoke last night, I beleive him. We are trying to get a partnership together for the toy business. Someone else has a freind that know Russell. That may work a little better for me :) Either way next week I am doing a segment on the reasons I need to meet Nas post it on youtube and hopefully he will see it. LOL
Well I am getting back to work. My tooth is feeling better. I may just go in today. Nah I have laundry to do.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
i am
Not updating this blog any longer. Today is not going to be a good day. The sad part is that I still don't even know what it is - did wrong and - guess I will never know I am taking a break from the internet well with the exception of facebook for a while. Life goes on I just wish I was not always left in the dark like thism but everytime you do this to me I am left in the darkm this time you kept us apartm I still love u with all that I am but an bow dropping off the face of the earth so I don't have to think about itm I hope u enjoy your life with herm I truly wish you all of your happiness and that everything woks out the way u plan. I am out. For good.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A Few things
i need to blog about today.
Stalker:
I dont even know where to begin with the updates about the stalker. I went to bed very early last night and received 6 phone calls from the stalker. I am kind of unsure as to what to do. I literally did not think people could really become so obsessed so quickly. The crazy thing is we went to high school together and I do not think he was like this before. I really just thought "Oh we could reconnect and whatever" but I guess that was not the case. I am truly contemplating changing my number so he cannot call any longer. problem is that I have had this number for about 5 years now and it really annoys me that one person would make me change my number like that. It is frustrating. From here on out no one gets my number. At All. I am taking a FN break from men period. If I need to quench my thirst, I will do so with good ole faithful. But not for a few months at least. I went celibate for a while once, and you know what I want to see if I can do it again. I dont even have any desires to be with someone at this point. Too much drama.
Supreme Court pick:
Well Obama has made his choice for Supremem Court. Apparently Twitter is buzzing over this pick. the first article I read this morning was the one on Fox News. Most articles were the same. It is the comments I enjoy reading on Fox News. People are so hmmmm Raw! Bet that we will be talking about this on tonights show. Yes I am doing one tonight, because yesterday was memorial day and we dont usually get a lot of viewers on Holidays. This will be a good one. Have so much to talk about. i am actually excited about Obama's pick. MSNBC is stating that she has the most experience of any appointee in the past 70 years. It is quite exciting to see how this unfolds.
Today;
I am making an action plan for myself. a Life action plan. i spoke with Tash who always brings clarity to the picture. i told her I wish that we could always just believe the things we say. OMG the stalker is now leaving depressing messages on my voicemail. Anyway...She really wants me to move down there, I keep telling her I can't.It is way to far from my family. We talked about life and where we thought we would be at this point in my life. i never thought I would still be playing catch up...that is for sure. But all in all i have done pretty well for myself, and that is something to be proud of. So I am going to start setting goals for myself. Sometimes i wish I would have just went to law school instead of doing my MBA. I am however going to start looking for part time law schools and see what i can work with. Man man asked about D yesterday and i am trying to figure out a way to tell him that he will not see him any longer. i have learned that now that NO ONE will ever meet my kids again until I am absolutely sure that it is time. All day it was all he talked about about and I just did not have the heart to say anything. Steve kept giving me this look like "Told you so"
Mentioning Steve:
I think he is really going to marry this girl. I mean I am glad he has found happiness, but I dont want him to do it for the wrong reasons. I mean marriage is HUGE, but maybe not as much so in his book, but dammit i just dont understand how he can really narry someone so she can stay in the country. i had an offer like that one time and flatly refused. And mostly because i will get married once and that is it. No turning back. But the more I think about it the more I think i may not even want to get married. After this whole thing has happened, i realized that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you back, and even marriages dont last. As much as we would like them to, they just dont. The other thing is that based on that decision i think I am going to go get my FN tubes tied. I thought that maybe I wouldnt because you never know who you might meet, but after what happened this month, it is just not worth the risk of having kids and then finding out that you might have been a single parent Again. I dont want to have that type of committment to someone.
Well i need to finish the research on this judge for my show. And get back to work. I am actually excited about it tonight because we have so much to talk about. Tash, thanks for the peptalk this weekend, you are always there for me. Told you i would give you a dang shout out!
Stalker:
I dont even know where to begin with the updates about the stalker. I went to bed very early last night and received 6 phone calls from the stalker. I am kind of unsure as to what to do. I literally did not think people could really become so obsessed so quickly. The crazy thing is we went to high school together and I do not think he was like this before. I really just thought "Oh we could reconnect and whatever" but I guess that was not the case. I am truly contemplating changing my number so he cannot call any longer. problem is that I have had this number for about 5 years now and it really annoys me that one person would make me change my number like that. It is frustrating. From here on out no one gets my number. At All. I am taking a FN break from men period. If I need to quench my thirst, I will do so with good ole faithful. But not for a few months at least. I went celibate for a while once, and you know what I want to see if I can do it again. I dont even have any desires to be with someone at this point. Too much drama.
Supreme Court pick:
Well Obama has made his choice for Supremem Court. Apparently Twitter is buzzing over this pick. the first article I read this morning was the one on Fox News. Most articles were the same. It is the comments I enjoy reading on Fox News. People are so hmmmm Raw! Bet that we will be talking about this on tonights show. Yes I am doing one tonight, because yesterday was memorial day and we dont usually get a lot of viewers on Holidays. This will be a good one. Have so much to talk about. i am actually excited about Obama's pick. MSNBC is stating that she has the most experience of any appointee in the past 70 years. It is quite exciting to see how this unfolds.
Today;
I am making an action plan for myself. a Life action plan. i spoke with Tash who always brings clarity to the picture. i told her I wish that we could always just believe the things we say. OMG the stalker is now leaving depressing messages on my voicemail. Anyway...She really wants me to move down there, I keep telling her I can't.It is way to far from my family. We talked about life and where we thought we would be at this point in my life. i never thought I would still be playing catch up...that is for sure. But all in all i have done pretty well for myself, and that is something to be proud of. So I am going to start setting goals for myself. Sometimes i wish I would have just went to law school instead of doing my MBA. I am however going to start looking for part time law schools and see what i can work with. Man man asked about D yesterday and i am trying to figure out a way to tell him that he will not see him any longer. i have learned that now that NO ONE will ever meet my kids again until I am absolutely sure that it is time. All day it was all he talked about about and I just did not have the heart to say anything. Steve kept giving me this look like "Told you so"
Mentioning Steve:
I think he is really going to marry this girl. I mean I am glad he has found happiness, but I dont want him to do it for the wrong reasons. I mean marriage is HUGE, but maybe not as much so in his book, but dammit i just dont understand how he can really narry someone so she can stay in the country. i had an offer like that one time and flatly refused. And mostly because i will get married once and that is it. No turning back. But the more I think about it the more I think i may not even want to get married. After this whole thing has happened, i realized that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you back, and even marriages dont last. As much as we would like them to, they just dont. The other thing is that based on that decision i think I am going to go get my FN tubes tied. I thought that maybe I wouldnt because you never know who you might meet, but after what happened this month, it is just not worth the risk of having kids and then finding out that you might have been a single parent Again. I dont want to have that type of committment to someone.
Well i need to finish the research on this judge for my show. And get back to work. I am actually excited about it tonight because we have so much to talk about. Tash, thanks for the peptalk this weekend, you are always there for me. Told you i would give you a dang shout out!
Monday, May 25, 2009
This Weekend
i dont even know where to start. This weekend has been quite hectic. So where do i start? Well Lets start off with Friday
Friday: Went to work and my tooth was killing me. I ended up staying a lot later than expected due to some crazy issue that came up. When i finally went home I just laid down a bit. I knew we were going to the Grown and Sexy but did not really want to. Heather came with me though and she is soo much fun. we ended up leaving the Grown and sexy to head to Rafferty's which was not that packed. But the drinks were cheaper. So the girls and Steve got pretty drunk. We met a cowboy...A real life cowboy who want to take me somewhere to ride a mechanical bull. Hmmm sounds like fun. Anywho..the cowboy told me how beautiful I was all night, then he realized I was about 7 years older than he:) It always changes things. LOL
Saturday: i cannot even remember Saturday honestly. I woke up late and the stalker called me a bizillion times. Oh wait. I did go to a picnic which was a lot of fun. At this point I did not realize the stalker was a stalker yet and he invited me to a picnic with some old high school friends. Ummm yeah there were not a lot of high school friends. Just family. and he was introducing me to them. I felt awkward and left. He called me about 50 times that night. That was when i started to think this was creepy.
Sunday: Put up the damn shed! Steve got kinda mad and left so me my mom and 2 sisters did it all by ourselves. It was like putting up a house. i went to bed about 9PM woke up and im'd you know who because I have not spoken to him in days. I got the funny feeling maybe something else was going on and that was when i got the bootback from the email and began calling him. i realized at about 2:00 that he just really did not want to see me anymore and once again did not even have the balls to tell me.i am not going to even bother anymore. Told him I give up, he wins. I will mail his stuff back to him. And you know what I am actually not even go to do that. i will just donate them to the Goodwill store. He did not have enough courtesy to call me I dont have enough courtesy to send his stuff home. Called Steve, woke him up, cried my eyes out for a while, he listened. Called PJ who continually tells me I need to realize what I am worth then finally cried myself to sleep.
Monday: Memorial Day. I woke up very late today and went to help steve put the finishing touches on the shed. Cried a bit and have just been randomly crying all day. but Facebook alwyas makes me laugh. The stalker texted me at 6 in the morning and I finally told him he needs to back off. I really do not want to deal right now.everyone is here for the cookout. We finally got the pool up. If it was hot enough i would go swimming, but I wont. I am upstairs cleaning instead of hanging out with friends so I can just wallow in my own misery. I need to get over this. I wish it were easy but it never is. It seems like everytime I go through this with him it just gets harder and harder. But you know what at this point, if he could not just admit me into his world then so be it. We needed a break and I guess this was what he ultimately wanted. I knew it would be difficult to leave the old world behind and start anew and of he did not want to all I deserved was a call. But once again not even that. the third time is a charm. I am so glad I did what I did 3 weeks ago. Here I would be going through shit again by myself. But I guess everything happens for a reason.
In the meantime, I will not be updatting for a while. I need to take a break from it all. Blogging I mean. I am going to really start writing things in my journal and capture my thoughts there. Private thoughts. And the damn stalker wont stop calling me. DAMMIT!!! I have a lot of stuff to do to get ready for the upcoming year. finisgh my thesis and start studying for my Lastas. Look into the whole work from home thing so i can attempt to go to Law School and still work. Now I need to try to find a part time Law school. This will be hard. The funny thing is when i feel like I am down it just pushes me harder to do the things I really want to.
I am depressed now, and need to sign off. Peace ppl!
Friday: Went to work and my tooth was killing me. I ended up staying a lot later than expected due to some crazy issue that came up. When i finally went home I just laid down a bit. I knew we were going to the Grown and Sexy but did not really want to. Heather came with me though and she is soo much fun. we ended up leaving the Grown and sexy to head to Rafferty's which was not that packed. But the drinks were cheaper. So the girls and Steve got pretty drunk. We met a cowboy...A real life cowboy who want to take me somewhere to ride a mechanical bull. Hmmm sounds like fun. Anywho..the cowboy told me how beautiful I was all night, then he realized I was about 7 years older than he:) It always changes things. LOL
Saturday: i cannot even remember Saturday honestly. I woke up late and the stalker called me a bizillion times. Oh wait. I did go to a picnic which was a lot of fun. At this point I did not realize the stalker was a stalker yet and he invited me to a picnic with some old high school friends. Ummm yeah there were not a lot of high school friends. Just family. and he was introducing me to them. I felt awkward and left. He called me about 50 times that night. That was when i started to think this was creepy.
Sunday: Put up the damn shed! Steve got kinda mad and left so me my mom and 2 sisters did it all by ourselves. It was like putting up a house. i went to bed about 9PM woke up and im'd you know who because I have not spoken to him in days. I got the funny feeling maybe something else was going on and that was when i got the bootback from the email and began calling him. i realized at about 2:00 that he just really did not want to see me anymore and once again did not even have the balls to tell me.i am not going to even bother anymore. Told him I give up, he wins. I will mail his stuff back to him. And you know what I am actually not even go to do that. i will just donate them to the Goodwill store. He did not have enough courtesy to call me I dont have enough courtesy to send his stuff home. Called Steve, woke him up, cried my eyes out for a while, he listened. Called PJ who continually tells me I need to realize what I am worth then finally cried myself to sleep.
Monday: Memorial Day. I woke up very late today and went to help steve put the finishing touches on the shed. Cried a bit and have just been randomly crying all day. but Facebook alwyas makes me laugh. The stalker texted me at 6 in the morning and I finally told him he needs to back off. I really do not want to deal right now.everyone is here for the cookout. We finally got the pool up. If it was hot enough i would go swimming, but I wont. I am upstairs cleaning instead of hanging out with friends so I can just wallow in my own misery. I need to get over this. I wish it were easy but it never is. It seems like everytime I go through this with him it just gets harder and harder. But you know what at this point, if he could not just admit me into his world then so be it. We needed a break and I guess this was what he ultimately wanted. I knew it would be difficult to leave the old world behind and start anew and of he did not want to all I deserved was a call. But once again not even that. the third time is a charm. I am so glad I did what I did 3 weeks ago. Here I would be going through shit again by myself. But I guess everything happens for a reason.
In the meantime, I will not be updatting for a while. I need to take a break from it all. Blogging I mean. I am going to really start writing things in my journal and capture my thoughts there. Private thoughts. And the damn stalker wont stop calling me. DAMMIT!!! I have a lot of stuff to do to get ready for the upcoming year. finisgh my thesis and start studying for my Lastas. Look into the whole work from home thing so i can attempt to go to Law School and still work. Now I need to try to find a part time Law school. This will be hard. The funny thing is when i feel like I am down it just pushes me harder to do the things I really want to.
I am depressed now, and need to sign off. Peace ppl!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Angel Inspiration
So i was watching Angel yesterday. Yes it is one of my favorite TV shows to watch in the morning...All about VAMPIRES at 6AM...and i had inspiration for a Blog from it. The episode was about this guy who was about to celebrate his one year anniversary with his girlfriend. He found out, however, that she was no longer in love with him (obviously they were never really in love to begin with ). Anyway, he created some machine that froze time. She had told her friend that she was going to have sex with him then break up with him. he knew this so he decided to turn on the machine to freeze time and they would remain together forever. It didnt work...but this was my inspiration. I began to think of moments in my life I would love to have frozen in time. Maybe it is because of the emotion I had, or the physical feeling, whatever the case may be, here are the moments i wish i could freeze, lock them in a glass case a momentarily step back into whenever I was feeling down. No Holds Barred and in no particuar order:
1. The moment I gave birth to Nathanael
2. The first time he called me mama
3. The one day he cried so much climbed out of his crib then proceeded to crawl down the hallway. he stuck his head around the corner and laughed, we laughed with him
4. The day we caught him with all of the pots and pans in front of the TV watching Emeril pretending to cook.
5. The day i saw my dad in the Memorial Day parade in his uniform. i was 3 and proud of him.
6. The time my dad surprised me and picked me up from 1st grade
7. When I graduated from high school and my grams told me that my grandpa would be so proud of me.
8. The day I had man man
9. The moment i realized that i was actually in love for the very first time in my life
10. The day we got to Disney World with Nichole and family
11. Spending a whole weekend in Disney world for high school graduation
12. the day I went to Washington park with my dad and we took pics of him flexing his muscles and me flexing mine with my yellow tube top
13. The day my son told me if he were born to someone else he would have to run away and find me because i would always be the best mommy in the world.
14. The day I walked across stage at Siena College and made my family so proud
15. The first time i went to Atlanta to see Tasha and it seemed as if it had been years
16. Partying for the first time in a foreign country
17. The day the paternity test came back for both of may children. Not because i was worried, because I wanted to laugh in his face.
18. The time Nate came home to tell me they moved him up to Varsity on the football team.
19. I found out i got into LeMoyne College on a full Scholarship
20. The day we left my stepfather
21. The first time i walked into Nichole's house and the twins called me by name
22. i found out i got a job at one of the biggest companies in the world
23. All of those times I really really thought someone or anyone really loved me
24. I got on the scale and reached my hundred pound mark.
25. The day we walked all across Troy and back again, Fiah, Tasha , Keitha and i.
26. Anytime I sit on the phone or talk to people reminiscing about old times.
27. My first kiss with Alan Davenport LOL.
28. The first time I had hmmmbreakup intimacy, ya'll know what i mean. I think that was all the time with Teeter...LOL
29. Waking up with man man in my bed snuggled up next to me
30. The day I was born.
Well that is all i can think of for now. i will add more as they come to mind. in the meantime, make sure you cherish all of those special moments in your life. As you never really know if it will be your last or if you will ever feel the way you did at that moment.
1. The moment I gave birth to Nathanael
2. The first time he called me mama
3. The one day he cried so much climbed out of his crib then proceeded to crawl down the hallway. he stuck his head around the corner and laughed, we laughed with him
4. The day we caught him with all of the pots and pans in front of the TV watching Emeril pretending to cook.
5. The day i saw my dad in the Memorial Day parade in his uniform. i was 3 and proud of him.
6. The time my dad surprised me and picked me up from 1st grade
7. When I graduated from high school and my grams told me that my grandpa would be so proud of me.
8. The day I had man man
9. The moment i realized that i was actually in love for the very first time in my life
10. The day we got to Disney World with Nichole and family
11. Spending a whole weekend in Disney world for high school graduation
12. the day I went to Washington park with my dad and we took pics of him flexing his muscles and me flexing mine with my yellow tube top
13. The day my son told me if he were born to someone else he would have to run away and find me because i would always be the best mommy in the world.
14. The day I walked across stage at Siena College and made my family so proud
15. The first time i went to Atlanta to see Tasha and it seemed as if it had been years
16. Partying for the first time in a foreign country
17. The day the paternity test came back for both of may children. Not because i was worried, because I wanted to laugh in his face.
18. The time Nate came home to tell me they moved him up to Varsity on the football team.
19. I found out i got into LeMoyne College on a full Scholarship
20. The day we left my stepfather
21. The first time i walked into Nichole's house and the twins called me by name
22. i found out i got a job at one of the biggest companies in the world
23. All of those times I really really thought someone or anyone really loved me
24. I got on the scale and reached my hundred pound mark.
25. The day we walked all across Troy and back again, Fiah, Tasha , Keitha and i.
26. Anytime I sit on the phone or talk to people reminiscing about old times.
27. My first kiss with Alan Davenport LOL.
28. The first time I had hmmmbreakup intimacy, ya'll know what i mean. I think that was all the time with Teeter...LOL
29. Waking up with man man in my bed snuggled up next to me
30. The day I was born.
Well that is all i can think of for now. i will add more as they come to mind. in the meantime, make sure you cherish all of those special moments in your life. As you never really know if it will be your last or if you will ever feel the way you did at that moment.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
??
I have a story to tell. It is a long story so please brace yourself for quite a long read.
A girl met a boy one day. They got to know each other. Very well indeed before they even met face to face. They talked about everything in life. It almost felt as though from the moment they started talking
A girl met a boy one day. They got to know each other. Very well indeed before they even met face to face. They talked about everything in life. It almost felt as though from the moment they started talking
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Graduation
I cannot believe that I actually graduate on Saturday. I am nervous and anxious at the same time. This is such an exciteing time for me and unfortunately I have not been in the best of moods. I have however ordered a LSAT book and have decided to begin studying for the exam. I figure even if I cannot go to law school for a few years I can at least take the exam and see where I end up. I feel like one door is closing and another is opening.
Tonight Keitha and I will go get mani's and pedi's and I will buy the flowers for my family. I have tomorrow off to get ready for everything on Saturday and Phil comes up Saturday. I cannot wait until we can party up here together. WooHoo.
God is good, and although we go through strains in our life I know that in the end he will catch me when I fall.
Tonight Keitha and I will go get mani's and pedi's and I will buy the flowers for my family. I have tomorrow off to get ready for everything on Saturday and Phil comes up Saturday. I cannot wait until we can party up here together. WooHoo.
God is good, and although we go through strains in our life I know that in the end he will catch me when I fall.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I Lied
I lied to you this morning. When I was not sure if there was anything wrong. God I just do not know how I could be so stupid. I wish I could just walk away. Maybe I am just not meant to be happy or maybe I have my own self destructive path. Or maybe I just do not have the energy to try to compete any longer. I am not sure exactly what it is. What i do know is that after all of this time, I do not truly believe everything it is that you tell me.
I know that I have trust issue. Rightfully so after everything it is I have been through with you. You lied to me from the beginning. I really have no reason to trust you or ever think that things will change. I pour my heart out to you every day. I wait for your call, IM or just to see you. Our moments together, like last night, are some of the best moments in my life. So passionate, so intense, and so real. But then my doubt sets in. What am I doing? How many other people feel this way about you? How long do I have to wait for you? I do not know. I am not sure why I wait for you. I do know. i wait because I love you. With every inch of my being.
This weekend I thought about everything I had to go through by myself, and how you im'd me first thing and started to talk about you. Our situation never came into your head until we were together last night. I went through so much pain and hurt this weekend, and went through it by myself. Again. Something I never thought I would do. I realized today that we should have waited until you knew that you really wanted you and her to be over. At this point I am not even sure if that is what you really want. I told you earlier this weekend that after everything you have now learned that it will probably get to the point that you will try to work it out. You have been hurt. She has been hurt, now all is forgiven and it is time to move on. You and her. that is what i am so worried about. That after all of this, you will end up just working it out and leaving me in the dust yet again.
You asked me if i needed a break from you? It is not a break from you i need. i need reassurance. I am so sick of hiding how I feel about you, to preserve her feelings. I am so sick of not being able to just declare to the world how much i love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am tired of waiting. So tired of waiting. Tired of the facade. You love me, and the only i want you to do is tell her that, so there is no questions
I know that I have trust issue. Rightfully so after everything it is I have been through with you. You lied to me from the beginning. I really have no reason to trust you or ever think that things will change. I pour my heart out to you every day. I wait for your call, IM or just to see you. Our moments together, like last night, are some of the best moments in my life. So passionate, so intense, and so real. But then my doubt sets in. What am I doing? How many other people feel this way about you? How long do I have to wait for you? I do not know. I am not sure why I wait for you. I do know. i wait because I love you. With every inch of my being.
This weekend I thought about everything I had to go through by myself, and how you im'd me first thing and started to talk about you. Our situation never came into your head until we were together last night. I went through so much pain and hurt this weekend, and went through it by myself. Again. Something I never thought I would do. I realized today that we should have waited until you knew that you really wanted you and her to be over. At this point I am not even sure if that is what you really want. I told you earlier this weekend that after everything you have now learned that it will probably get to the point that you will try to work it out. You have been hurt. She has been hurt, now all is forgiven and it is time to move on. You and her. that is what i am so worried about. That after all of this, you will end up just working it out and leaving me in the dust yet again.
You asked me if i needed a break from you? It is not a break from you i need. i need reassurance. I am so sick of hiding how I feel about you, to preserve her feelings. I am so sick of not being able to just declare to the world how much i love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am tired of waiting. So tired of waiting. Tired of the facade. You love me, and the only i want you to do is tell her that, so there is no questions
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I want to
i want to wake up with you near me
i want to turn over to your smile
i want to feel you hold me
i want to have you within my reach
i want to get ready in the morning
i want to come home to your face
i want to take care of you
i want to ease your pains and hurts
i want to let you know we will make it
i want to show you how much i care
i want to spend every moment with you
i want to feel this way forever
i want to argue
i want to fight
i want to makeup afterwards
i want to kiss you
i want to hug you
i want to put your hand in mine
i want to run off that cliff
i want to know we are going to fly
i want to know everything about you
i want to love you without fear
i want to have you love me the same
i want to do this right
i want to pull you closer
i want to lie down night
i want to talk to you in my sleep
i want to have you there in my dreams
i want to have you there when i wake
i want to take you out
i want to show us to the world
i want to make this work
i want to have everything for us
But in the end
i just want to love you
unconditionally
unapologetically
unabrasively
for always.
Soon I will
i want to turn over to your smile
i want to feel you hold me
i want to have you within my reach
i want to get ready in the morning
i want to come home to your face
i want to take care of you
i want to ease your pains and hurts
i want to let you know we will make it
i want to show you how much i care
i want to spend every moment with you
i want to feel this way forever
i want to argue
i want to fight
i want to makeup afterwards
i want to kiss you
i want to hug you
i want to put your hand in mine
i want to run off that cliff
i want to know we are going to fly
i want to know everything about you
i want to love you without fear
i want to have you love me the same
i want to do this right
i want to pull you closer
i want to lie down night
i want to talk to you in my sleep
i want to have you there in my dreams
i want to have you there when i wake
i want to take you out
i want to show us to the world
i want to make this work
i want to have everything for us
But in the end
i just want to love you
unconditionally
unapologetically
unabrasively
for always.
Soon I will
Thursday, April 16, 2009
now i am wondering
I received a phone call last night from an ex. This is how the conversation goes:
Me: Hey you called me. I am just returning your call
Him: Yes i have been calling you for 4 days, why havent you returned my call?
Me: I have been busy and you cant expect me to jump through hoops to call you back when you want me to.
Him: Ok i am sorry. I really need to talk to you about something important
Me: Ok Whats up, can you make it quick. It is 11:30 at night and I am really tired.
Him: Ok. i really do not know how to say this without offending you (I am worrying now)But i have a really huge favor I need you to do for me.
Me: Ok, what is it?
Him: I dont know how to say it, so i will just come out and say it. i have been seeing someone and she is a great person. But i just dont get those feelings with her.
Me: What feelings?
Him: Well you know those feelings I get when i see you. That instant well you know.
Me: No, what?
Him: Well like i am ready at a moments notice. It has been bothering me for quite some time now. I really need your help.
Me: Ok, what do you need?
Him: Well it has been a very long time, and i really need some help. Can you help me?
WTF, I think I sat on the phone and was silent for what felt like hours. I did not know if I should be in shock, but I was.
Me: Ummmm I do not think that is possible. I have tried to end it amicably with you but I think that now is the time to end it completely. I love you...but you have now crossed the line. Goodbye
I guess I broke someone's heart and mine has now gotten broken in turn.
Me: Hey you called me. I am just returning your call
Him: Yes i have been calling you for 4 days, why havent you returned my call?
Me: I have been busy and you cant expect me to jump through hoops to call you back when you want me to.
Him: Ok i am sorry. I really need to talk to you about something important
Me: Ok Whats up, can you make it quick. It is 11:30 at night and I am really tired.
Him: Ok. i really do not know how to say this without offending you (I am worrying now)But i have a really huge favor I need you to do for me.
Me: Ok, what is it?
Him: I dont know how to say it, so i will just come out and say it. i have been seeing someone and she is a great person. But i just dont get those feelings with her.
Me: What feelings?
Him: Well you know those feelings I get when i see you. That instant well you know.
Me: No, what?
Him: Well like i am ready at a moments notice. It has been bothering me for quite some time now. I really need your help.
Me: Ok, what do you need?
Him: Well it has been a very long time, and i really need some help. Can you help me?
WTF, I think I sat on the phone and was silent for what felt like hours. I did not know if I should be in shock, but I was.
Me: Ummmm I do not think that is possible. I have tried to end it amicably with you but I think that now is the time to end it completely. I love you...but you have now crossed the line. Goodbye
I guess I broke someone's heart and mine has now gotten broken in turn.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Things I would like to say to people
but do not have the balls to do so:
*******: When exactly were you going to tell me you had a child that you did not think was yours, but are still responsible for? I had to find out on my own and that is why we never worked out an never will work out.
*******: why is it that you claimed to love me so much but you never once decided to come forth and tell me that you had another chick pregnant while you were trying to talk to me, plus you already had girlfriend. I am glad that we never went on to bigger things than where we left off at.
*******: You are just a liar. Consistently told me one thing and the entire time you were trying to marry and have kids with someone else. Do you ask everyone to marry you? better yet do you ask everyone to have your children
*******: At least you were honest about some things, but it does not excuse your trip around the world for some ass while trying to tell me your uncle was locked up. LOL i knew that was false from the get go
*******: I wonder sometimes if you really beleive everything that comes out of your mouth? You were the one person i trusted the most and from the start it was false. Every and anything you said to me was false. Your feelings, your life, your children, your mom, your relationships. You even lied to me about what times you got in at night. Like I would have really cared. But based on that alone i know you were up to no good. i just wish i would hae know before I got too involved.
Why am I venting. Because i am so sick of the dudes i left behind constantly calling me and asking me to give them another chance. They see me know, what i look like, where i am at, how i am, and they realize what it is they missed out on. they realized that if they would have just been upfront with me from the beginning things might not have turned out so badly. ****** - you were my first love. My all. i would have went against the world for you and did on plenty of ocassions. i was willing to take you with me no matter where i went. All of that went out of the window after 4 years of emotional abuse that eventually got physical. You do not know how much my heart yearned for you even after that. Which is why i saw you over and over again. But you are also the reason i will never ever waste my time again. Funny thing was after all we had been through we still decided to remain cordial up until last week. i would accept your calls we would talk most time i would blow you off, but we still had a conversation. After all of that you continue to lie and lie and lie. I told you i loved you, i will always love you, there is not a adoubt in my mind about that. i told you that you were my firs true love. And no matter what goes on in my life from here on out and what goes on in your life from here on out, no one will ever ever take that from you. No one can ever say that they were my first love except you. Why could you not just accept that and move on. instead you had to push and push and push. Although i love you, there are other feeling i have for you. There are times when i despise you. I despise you for making me feel worthless and allowing itto be that way until i finally reclaimed my life back. i hated you for making me lose my child when i was 4 months pregnant. I felt sorry for ou because you are 34 now and will always have the menatlity of a 16 year old. But now i thank you. I thank you for our wonderful conversation last week. I realized that I am glad I did not do all of those things for you. i am glad we seperated, i am glad you did not follow, and i am glad we did not have a child. My life would have been hell on earth if we would have stayed together. there are so many things you know about me that no one else in this world will ever ever know, keep thse and cherish them, because those are the only memories you will ever have. As i told you, do not ever call me. if you see me act as if you never knew me, do not once let my name breathe from your lips. You should be grateful that I allowed you to experience the essence of Hope.
To my dear married friend: i actually had to finally sit down with you and really give you an explanation as to why it is you cannot just show up to my house whenever you feel like it. You are one of only two people in my past that I can say i will love forever. Does that mean i am in love with you. not at all. You know the amount of emotional turmoil i went through with this relationship. While I definitely had some of the best experiences of my life with you, i knew i could not wait 4 years for you to leave. You told me that I am the only other person you would ever marry and that if after 4 years i am still available, you will come for me. I am not sure where i will be in 4 years but hopefully I will already be married and have moved on. I wish you the best in trying to find your happiness and we will always be great friends, but nothing more than that.
Now that i am thinking about it, to the one my heart belongs to now, i have been nothing but straight up with you about everything and anything. You ask me a question I answer without even thinking. You betrayed me once and i forgave and moved on. If there is anything else you feel the need to come forward on, please do now.
Okay, can you tell i am a bit frustrated here
*******: When exactly were you going to tell me you had a child that you did not think was yours, but are still responsible for? I had to find out on my own and that is why we never worked out an never will work out.
*******: why is it that you claimed to love me so much but you never once decided to come forth and tell me that you had another chick pregnant while you were trying to talk to me, plus you already had girlfriend. I am glad that we never went on to bigger things than where we left off at.
*******: You are just a liar. Consistently told me one thing and the entire time you were trying to marry and have kids with someone else. Do you ask everyone to marry you? better yet do you ask everyone to have your children
*******: At least you were honest about some things, but it does not excuse your trip around the world for some ass while trying to tell me your uncle was locked up. LOL i knew that was false from the get go
*******: I wonder sometimes if you really beleive everything that comes out of your mouth? You were the one person i trusted the most and from the start it was false. Every and anything you said to me was false. Your feelings, your life, your children, your mom, your relationships. You even lied to me about what times you got in at night. Like I would have really cared. But based on that alone i know you were up to no good. i just wish i would hae know before I got too involved.
Why am I venting. Because i am so sick of the dudes i left behind constantly calling me and asking me to give them another chance. They see me know, what i look like, where i am at, how i am, and they realize what it is they missed out on. they realized that if they would have just been upfront with me from the beginning things might not have turned out so badly. ****** - you were my first love. My all. i would have went against the world for you and did on plenty of ocassions. i was willing to take you with me no matter where i went. All of that went out of the window after 4 years of emotional abuse that eventually got physical. You do not know how much my heart yearned for you even after that. Which is why i saw you over and over again. But you are also the reason i will never ever waste my time again. Funny thing was after all we had been through we still decided to remain cordial up until last week. i would accept your calls we would talk most time i would blow you off, but we still had a conversation. After all of that you continue to lie and lie and lie. I told you i loved you, i will always love you, there is not a adoubt in my mind about that. i told you that you were my firs true love. And no matter what goes on in my life from here on out and what goes on in your life from here on out, no one will ever ever take that from you. No one can ever say that they were my first love except you. Why could you not just accept that and move on. instead you had to push and push and push. Although i love you, there are other feeling i have for you. There are times when i despise you. I despise you for making me feel worthless and allowing itto be that way until i finally reclaimed my life back. i hated you for making me lose my child when i was 4 months pregnant. I felt sorry for ou because you are 34 now and will always have the menatlity of a 16 year old. But now i thank you. I thank you for our wonderful conversation last week. I realized that I am glad I did not do all of those things for you. i am glad we seperated, i am glad you did not follow, and i am glad we did not have a child. My life would have been hell on earth if we would have stayed together. there are so many things you know about me that no one else in this world will ever ever know, keep thse and cherish them, because those are the only memories you will ever have. As i told you, do not ever call me. if you see me act as if you never knew me, do not once let my name breathe from your lips. You should be grateful that I allowed you to experience the essence of Hope.
To my dear married friend: i actually had to finally sit down with you and really give you an explanation as to why it is you cannot just show up to my house whenever you feel like it. You are one of only two people in my past that I can say i will love forever. Does that mean i am in love with you. not at all. You know the amount of emotional turmoil i went through with this relationship. While I definitely had some of the best experiences of my life with you, i knew i could not wait 4 years for you to leave. You told me that I am the only other person you would ever marry and that if after 4 years i am still available, you will come for me. I am not sure where i will be in 4 years but hopefully I will already be married and have moved on. I wish you the best in trying to find your happiness and we will always be great friends, but nothing more than that.
Now that i am thinking about it, to the one my heart belongs to now, i have been nothing but straight up with you about everything and anything. You ask me a question I answer without even thinking. You betrayed me once and i forgave and moved on. If there is anything else you feel the need to come forward on, please do now.
Okay, can you tell i am a bit frustrated here
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Hmmmm
How do I go about about describing the way I feel right now. I am not really sure. All I can say is that I am scared and not having the best of days. I have come to realize that no matter what it is I really want I will not get it. It is all just a game. A game that GOD plays with all of us. I wonder sometimes if this is his way laughing from up in Heaven while he is watching us make fools of ourselves.
Although I have so many great things in my life, I realized this weekend how many more great things I could have if I just did what it was I wanted to do. Not think about them and just do them. No questions asked. I realized exactly how much power it is I have....power over me and power over so many others. I do not know what to do with it. Some days I quiver with the knowledge I have and know that it controls so much of my life. I was told recently that I could make someone change religons, that I could make a muslim eat pork, or turn an atheist into a God fearing man. That I could have them waiting at my door. I wonder if that is how I am really perceived. I mean the funny thing is I receive so much attention but not from the people I ever want it to be from.
I wonder what is my next step in life. Where do I go from here. I know I need to make my move soon. By move I do not mean actually moving, I just mean make the next move in my life, whether it be alone or with someone. I am 32 now, and not that it makes much of a difference from when I was 31, but I do not want to live like tis forever. I want to make sure I take the right steps and I take them carefully. In the end it is all a way for me to be happy. I have realized who my friends are, who will stick by me no matter what, who will always be there, and unfortunately who will never be there.
I wonder when is it time to grow up and just do the things I was meant to do. Accomplish the things I am supposed to accomplish. I have been thinking lately that maybe it is time for me to leave. To just start over and allow things to happen the way they were supposed to. Stop living this fantasy life I am living and get back to the real world. The one I understand. The one where it is me against the world. Conquering my demons, my enemies, and even loved ones. Not allowing the bad sides of my emotions overtake the best that I have to offer. And i have so much to offer. I am beautiful, smart, a wonderful parent, successful, persevering, but most importantly the best part of being me is that I am me! My name is Hope and I want that to shine through in everything I do. Does that mean I need to accomplish everything I set out to do. Why of course. My good friend Zak told me the other day, my name means (in his words) realizing that everything you have ever dreamed of is standing right before you and all you have to do is reach out and touch. Think of that, all you have to do is reach out and touch and everything is there.
So what do I dream of. I guess that is the hard part. I dream of happiness, love, excitement, family, but most of all peace. Peace within myself. I want to be sure I am content with my life. I want to know that my goals are not my goals to prove something but more so because it is what I really want.
I cannot wait for school to be over. I feel like once I have that freedom anything will be possible. Should I stay or should I go. It really is the only thing that keeps me here in the Northeast thus far. I dream of one day waking up in a foreign country and stepping outside to see a different landscape, to hear a different language, to taste a different food, to walk a different mile. I think it all goes back to being scared. I still feel like the child my father kept under his wing when I was 4. I want to get out and be that independent woman, but am so unsure of myself. So unsure and scared of what the future holds for me and for my boys. I want to be a success for them and not let them see and go through all of the things it is that I went through.
I know I am not happy where I am right now. And I know I will never be happy as long as I keep telling myself that as long as I perservere it will be okay. I know I will never be happy if I keep thinking for one moment that if I sit back and do nothing it will all be okay. I know I will not be happy if I allow myself to think tht my destiny is already laid out before me. It is up to me to lay out my destiny. It is up to me to make my own decisions, from my head, not my heart. It is up to me to live my life for me and my family and no one else. It is up to me to build up the strength it is I need to get myself going. All of the falacies, all of the lies, all of this other bullshit needs to go out the window. It is time for me to create my own life from here. It will hurt but I know I will get over it.
I have learned so much from so many people over the past year. I learned that it is okay to give up everything for that one thing you want, but only if it is worth it. I learned to go after whatever dream it is you have. I have learned what it is like to overcome everything when you feel the world is against you. I am trying to learn to move on when the ones you truly love, betray you over and over again. I have learned that in the face of adversity, you do the best work. I have learned that love sometimes will not conquer all, as much as you would like it to. I have learned that as much as you want something, it may just not be the right time or place for you to have it. And I have learned that I am tired. I am tired of trying to please everyone but the most important person in my life, me. I will no longer hide the person I truly am. The person I need to become with or without the people I think are important. I need to weed out the grass and start planting new seeds in my life. There are so many opportunities for me, and it is about time I take them. I have been hiding for so long with the fear that I may lose some of the people that are important in my life. If I was truly as important to them as they are to me, then I would not even question that sacrifice.
I guess it is time to just do it and stop talking about it. From this day forward I will work on reaching out and accomplishing those dreams. The dreams I have for happiness, love, a family, and most importantly peace. Why??? Because i have finally realized that after all of this time...I truly deserve it.
Although I have so many great things in my life, I realized this weekend how many more great things I could have if I just did what it was I wanted to do. Not think about them and just do them. No questions asked. I realized exactly how much power it is I have....power over me and power over so many others. I do not know what to do with it. Some days I quiver with the knowledge I have and know that it controls so much of my life. I was told recently that I could make someone change religons, that I could make a muslim eat pork, or turn an atheist into a God fearing man. That I could have them waiting at my door. I wonder if that is how I am really perceived. I mean the funny thing is I receive so much attention but not from the people I ever want it to be from.
I wonder what is my next step in life. Where do I go from here. I know I need to make my move soon. By move I do not mean actually moving, I just mean make the next move in my life, whether it be alone or with someone. I am 32 now, and not that it makes much of a difference from when I was 31, but I do not want to live like tis forever. I want to make sure I take the right steps and I take them carefully. In the end it is all a way for me to be happy. I have realized who my friends are, who will stick by me no matter what, who will always be there, and unfortunately who will never be there.
I wonder when is it time to grow up and just do the things I was meant to do. Accomplish the things I am supposed to accomplish. I have been thinking lately that maybe it is time for me to leave. To just start over and allow things to happen the way they were supposed to. Stop living this fantasy life I am living and get back to the real world. The one I understand. The one where it is me against the world. Conquering my demons, my enemies, and even loved ones. Not allowing the bad sides of my emotions overtake the best that I have to offer. And i have so much to offer. I am beautiful, smart, a wonderful parent, successful, persevering, but most importantly the best part of being me is that I am me! My name is Hope and I want that to shine through in everything I do. Does that mean I need to accomplish everything I set out to do. Why of course. My good friend Zak told me the other day, my name means (in his words) realizing that everything you have ever dreamed of is standing right before you and all you have to do is reach out and touch. Think of that, all you have to do is reach out and touch and everything is there.
So what do I dream of. I guess that is the hard part. I dream of happiness, love, excitement, family, but most of all peace. Peace within myself. I want to be sure I am content with my life. I want to know that my goals are not my goals to prove something but more so because it is what I really want.
I cannot wait for school to be over. I feel like once I have that freedom anything will be possible. Should I stay or should I go. It really is the only thing that keeps me here in the Northeast thus far. I dream of one day waking up in a foreign country and stepping outside to see a different landscape, to hear a different language, to taste a different food, to walk a different mile. I think it all goes back to being scared. I still feel like the child my father kept under his wing when I was 4. I want to get out and be that independent woman, but am so unsure of myself. So unsure and scared of what the future holds for me and for my boys. I want to be a success for them and not let them see and go through all of the things it is that I went through.
I know I am not happy where I am right now. And I know I will never be happy as long as I keep telling myself that as long as I perservere it will be okay. I know I will never be happy if I keep thinking for one moment that if I sit back and do nothing it will all be okay. I know I will not be happy if I allow myself to think tht my destiny is already laid out before me. It is up to me to lay out my destiny. It is up to me to make my own decisions, from my head, not my heart. It is up to me to live my life for me and my family and no one else. It is up to me to build up the strength it is I need to get myself going. All of the falacies, all of the lies, all of this other bullshit needs to go out the window. It is time for me to create my own life from here. It will hurt but I know I will get over it.
I have learned so much from so many people over the past year. I learned that it is okay to give up everything for that one thing you want, but only if it is worth it. I learned to go after whatever dream it is you have. I have learned what it is like to overcome everything when you feel the world is against you. I am trying to learn to move on when the ones you truly love, betray you over and over again. I have learned that in the face of adversity, you do the best work. I have learned that love sometimes will not conquer all, as much as you would like it to. I have learned that as much as you want something, it may just not be the right time or place for you to have it. And I have learned that I am tired. I am tired of trying to please everyone but the most important person in my life, me. I will no longer hide the person I truly am. The person I need to become with or without the people I think are important. I need to weed out the grass and start planting new seeds in my life. There are so many opportunities for me, and it is about time I take them. I have been hiding for so long with the fear that I may lose some of the people that are important in my life. If I was truly as important to them as they are to me, then I would not even question that sacrifice.
I guess it is time to just do it and stop talking about it. From this day forward I will work on reaching out and accomplishing those dreams. The dreams I have for happiness, love, a family, and most importantly peace. Why??? Because i have finally realized that after all of this time...I truly deserve it.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thank God it is Friday
This week has been absolutely hectic. I get back to work with a bizillion emails. i do love to take a vacation but do not like coming back to this work. And there is alot. I probably should not even be updating my blog, but I needed a break.
I have my mickey mouse shirt on today that states "Mickey Mouse The only man for me". LOL Well he is not, but i do love mickey mouse. i am finally going to the movies tonight to see the Watchmen. Some people have given it good reviews and others have not. I cannot wait to see it and give it my own little review. My friend Donald gets tix from his job so we can go catch out the latest movies. It is also my friends 35 bday tonight, so we are going out to celebrate, i think. He is leaving tomorrow to go to the racetrack in NJ, and i keep standing him up when he wants to meet out, so I do not think i can avoid him again :)
I am still trying to catch up on some of my shows too. I just saw my favorite, Heroes! OMG OMG. I keep sametiming Adrian to ask him if he has watched it yet. He keeps telling me no and dont tell him what happened. I also have a wedding to attend tomorrow. Someone is kind of upset that he is not going with me and i am taking Blues Clues instead. LOL Blues Clues is so funny. And the funniest thing is his real name is Steve. When me and my sister saw him the first thing we thought was Steve from Blues Clues and come to find out it was his real name. We fell out. He is funny though. We are going to go to the wedding then hang out afterward at the bar that mike's friend is opeing up specifically for the wedding guests after. I will not fall asleep after one drink this time, promise :)
So my sister yesterday told me she really wants to hook me up with this DR. in her office. She gave me a million reasons as to why we would be a good couple, but i keep telling her no i am not interested. She thinks it is because he is a white guy, so i let her think that. Once again the double life comes into play :(.
OMG and Toyin called me yesterday, all upset about stuff. We actually had a great talk last night. i was open with him. I had to break it down and really explain to him that our disconnect has nothing to do with a man, but more so because I am just over it. I still love him, but I am not in love with him anymore. i waited and waited for him and I just reached the point where I could not deal with it. He told me that as soon as he is available, he will come for me. i told him dont bother, that i am so happy right now, and he would really just be setting himself up to be hurt. We are going to meet out this weekend and talk some more, and just close it all out. Once and for all.
I am so tired right now. I just want to go home and go to bed. Alright i have to send an email to my mentor in ATL. i will post a new one soon
I have my mickey mouse shirt on today that states "Mickey Mouse The only man for me". LOL Well he is not, but i do love mickey mouse. i am finally going to the movies tonight to see the Watchmen. Some people have given it good reviews and others have not. I cannot wait to see it and give it my own little review. My friend Donald gets tix from his job so we can go catch out the latest movies. It is also my friends 35 bday tonight, so we are going out to celebrate, i think. He is leaving tomorrow to go to the racetrack in NJ, and i keep standing him up when he wants to meet out, so I do not think i can avoid him again :)
I am still trying to catch up on some of my shows too. I just saw my favorite, Heroes! OMG OMG. I keep sametiming Adrian to ask him if he has watched it yet. He keeps telling me no and dont tell him what happened. I also have a wedding to attend tomorrow. Someone is kind of upset that he is not going with me and i am taking Blues Clues instead. LOL Blues Clues is so funny. And the funniest thing is his real name is Steve. When me and my sister saw him the first thing we thought was Steve from Blues Clues and come to find out it was his real name. We fell out. He is funny though. We are going to go to the wedding then hang out afterward at the bar that mike's friend is opeing up specifically for the wedding guests after. I will not fall asleep after one drink this time, promise :)
So my sister yesterday told me she really wants to hook me up with this DR. in her office. She gave me a million reasons as to why we would be a good couple, but i keep telling her no i am not interested. She thinks it is because he is a white guy, so i let her think that. Once again the double life comes into play :(.
OMG and Toyin called me yesterday, all upset about stuff. We actually had a great talk last night. i was open with him. I had to break it down and really explain to him that our disconnect has nothing to do with a man, but more so because I am just over it. I still love him, but I am not in love with him anymore. i waited and waited for him and I just reached the point where I could not deal with it. He told me that as soon as he is available, he will come for me. i told him dont bother, that i am so happy right now, and he would really just be setting himself up to be hurt. We are going to meet out this weekend and talk some more, and just close it all out. Once and for all.
I am so tired right now. I just want to go home and go to bed. Alright i have to send an email to my mentor in ATL. i will post a new one soon
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
We are back
Well we are back from our wonderful trip. i will not go into details about the trip. Well maybe some, but not all. All around it was a great trip other than having to send Nate home early. But after he left i felt like a dark cloud had been lifted from our vacation. I finally got to read a book. Something I had not done in a very long time. It was a great book by Carol Higgins Clark, the daughter of my favorite author Mary Higgins Clark. I definitely bought too much stuff. We brought back 6 damn suitcases. Our flight home was not hectic though. The flight attendants on Southwest we hilarious. We got in fairly late, so I decided to work from home today.
This vacation gave me a lot of reflection time. It was great to be away from all of the nonsense with family and men. I think i only spoke to a few people when I was down there. But now PJ is rubbing it in my face that he will be there for 2 weeks in April, during my bday no less. I told him he better mail me a card :). i was ready to come home though. i got sick of eating out. We slept in most days and that was okay because we did not have 10 people to tend to and make sure we hit all the ride everyone wanted to go on. So my new favorite ride is definitely the Rocking Rollercoaster. First off I love Aerosmith, and the ride was tremendous. Absolutely wonderful! My least favorite ride is still Its a small world. But we go on becus it is tradition.
Frank M had someone in his family that passed away while I was gone. Frank W called me today to make sure i made it home safely. It is good to know that at least some people care. LOL Back to my reflections. i had a lot of time by the pool and just wrote down things. Wrote in my journal and came up with a few things i need to start doing to make my life go a little smoother. And make sure i am emotionally stable. first things first... Family. I am going to start off by cncentrating on that. I am going to start going back to church. i know that once my life is good with GOD everything else falls into place. If that means i cut off ties with everything negative in m life then so be it. i guess that the one thing I am out there looking for I will never be able to find until I stop looking and it just happens.
Dwight called me for the first time the other day also. That was a sign. Right when i am going through the worst times in my life he calls me. We have not spoken in months and he was like an older brother. I am not sure if his girlfriend has gotten over the fact that we will always be friends and that is it, but I did miss him. Mom called him during Xmas and New Years Eve because she said things just were not right here without him.
I have also decided that i really am moving as soon as Nate graduates. I am contacting my cuzo and getting outta here and going to MD. There are so many opportunities down there and I jst have no desires to be here much longer. I need to make a change in my life and getting out of here may be just the change I need. Start anew.
Well that is all for now. Donald we are definitely going to see Wathcmen on Friday. I cannot wait. Sorry we missed opening night. i kept telling you to just fly ddown and watch it in FL with me :). Gotta get back to work and catch up on some personal and school things. Much love.
This vacation gave me a lot of reflection time. It was great to be away from all of the nonsense with family and men. I think i only spoke to a few people when I was down there. But now PJ is rubbing it in my face that he will be there for 2 weeks in April, during my bday no less. I told him he better mail me a card :). i was ready to come home though. i got sick of eating out. We slept in most days and that was okay because we did not have 10 people to tend to and make sure we hit all the ride everyone wanted to go on. So my new favorite ride is definitely the Rocking Rollercoaster. First off I love Aerosmith, and the ride was tremendous. Absolutely wonderful! My least favorite ride is still Its a small world. But we go on becus it is tradition.
Frank M had someone in his family that passed away while I was gone. Frank W called me today to make sure i made it home safely. It is good to know that at least some people care. LOL Back to my reflections. i had a lot of time by the pool and just wrote down things. Wrote in my journal and came up with a few things i need to start doing to make my life go a little smoother. And make sure i am emotionally stable. first things first... Family. I am going to start off by cncentrating on that. I am going to start going back to church. i know that once my life is good with GOD everything else falls into place. If that means i cut off ties with everything negative in m life then so be it. i guess that the one thing I am out there looking for I will never be able to find until I stop looking and it just happens.
Dwight called me for the first time the other day also. That was a sign. Right when i am going through the worst times in my life he calls me. We have not spoken in months and he was like an older brother. I am not sure if his girlfriend has gotten over the fact that we will always be friends and that is it, but I did miss him. Mom called him during Xmas and New Years Eve because she said things just were not right here without him.
I have also decided that i really am moving as soon as Nate graduates. I am contacting my cuzo and getting outta here and going to MD. There are so many opportunities down there and I jst have no desires to be here much longer. I need to make a change in my life and getting out of here may be just the change I need. Start anew.
Well that is all for now. Donald we are definitely going to see Wathcmen on Friday. I cannot wait. Sorry we missed opening night. i kept telling you to just fly ddown and watch it in FL with me :). Gotta get back to work and catch up on some personal and school things. Much love.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
It is Wednesday in Disney
Hey Everyone. We have been here for two days now and I am already exhausted. Nathanael decided, after some bribing by my dad, the he would come with us. He gave us a hard time the entire way here and had finally opened himself up to the wonderful world of Disney. I love it here, but it would be good if there were more people with us. I sat on the bench today thinking of you and how wonderful it would be to bring all of the boys down here. Let the older ones just run off and do what they want while we brought the youngins around to the shows and other crazy rides.
we got on Space Mountain today and I kept yelling back to Nate to check on Man Man. Man Man was so scared he couldnt even answer back. This week was awful, but something good happened today. So when we went on the Lilo and Stitch ride, I lost my camera. My 10 megapixel camera. Yeah ot was not cheap. I was walking around thinking to myself, "What the hell did I do to deserve this shit that I am going through?" I went back to the ride and it was not there. I went to Lost and Found and it wasn't there. my mom said, you know what if it is gone, there is nothing you cand o so you might as well just take the loss and don't let it ruin the vacation. After we went to Thunder Mountain, I went back to Lost and Found and THEY HAD MY CAMERA!!!!!. I was so excited. Everyone was laughing at me because I was so excited and screaming.
Nate has been okay. He still gets antsy but we got a pass that lets us on the ride in about 5 mintues. So we have no line no waiting. Just get right on. It has worked out fairly well for us. Tomorrow we will go to MGM and I will be all High School Musicaled Out!. That is where they do the show at. I am so excited. I will upload my pics tonight to Myspace along with my Video. I cannot wait to get up tomorrow, but for now i must write my paper. I will update again on Friday. Have a good time guys back in your 10 degree weather. Although it is not much warmer down here, it is definitely higher than that!!!.
we got on Space Mountain today and I kept yelling back to Nate to check on Man Man. Man Man was so scared he couldnt even answer back. This week was awful, but something good happened today. So when we went on the Lilo and Stitch ride, I lost my camera. My 10 megapixel camera. Yeah ot was not cheap. I was walking around thinking to myself, "What the hell did I do to deserve this shit that I am going through?" I went back to the ride and it was not there. I went to Lost and Found and it wasn't there. my mom said, you know what if it is gone, there is nothing you cand o so you might as well just take the loss and don't let it ruin the vacation. After we went to Thunder Mountain, I went back to Lost and Found and THEY HAD MY CAMERA!!!!!. I was so excited. Everyone was laughing at me because I was so excited and screaming.
Nate has been okay. He still gets antsy but we got a pass that lets us on the ride in about 5 mintues. So we have no line no waiting. Just get right on. It has worked out fairly well for us. Tomorrow we will go to MGM and I will be all High School Musicaled Out!. That is where they do the show at. I am so excited. I will upload my pics tonight to Myspace along with my Video. I cannot wait to get up tomorrow, but for now i must write my paper. I will update again on Friday. Have a good time guys back in your 10 degree weather. Although it is not much warmer down here, it is definitely higher than that!!!.
Monday, March 2, 2009
i am so
depressed right now. i am so sad, i feel so bleak. I am so unsure of what is the next step to take for me. I want to go back to last night and tell you to just come home. you said if i told you you would come, but i wanted you to make that decision for yourself. I wanted you to want to come with me. And i believe it was not that you did not want to, you knew in the end the result would still be the same. i want to go back and relive all of our moments together. i am so depressed right now. Walking around in a daze, like the world is dark and i wonder if you are feeling the same way i am. We agreed to not contact each other, but I can't do that. i was so strong last time and did not contact you. i even tried to move on. I want to be strong like before, but i cant. I want to know that this is temporary and that all will go the way we want it. I have lost you, my best friend. i have never opened up to someone as i have you, and now i feel lost and lonely, in this big place. No one understands my pain. No one can understand the darkness I see in my life right now. I have no desires to be here any longer. I have no desires at all. No desires to get out of my bed, no deisres to go on vacation, no desires to even talk to anyone. i worked from home today and really just slept. I keep thinking that you will just show up here at my door, but I know fantasy never happens as you said. Maybe you were right. We are just doomed to be unhappy. i feel so powerless here. knowing that you are living a lie and that you made that decision to live the lie.
Such a loss
I do not even know what to write today. You got your man and I am leaving him alone For good. i thought that this would be harder and I am sure that as the days go by it will be hard but today I am okay. Probably more because I knew this was going to happen. Not so soon but it would happen. I will not blog about it anymore because it will just cause more heartache. It is hard when you know that 2 people are perfect for each other, but everything keeps us apart. Again you said no one can keep us apart but us...and now we know that we need to do just that. I cannot keep living my life in hiding when i want to tell the world how much I love you and you want to tell the world the same. But unfortunately you are not courageuos enough to do what it is that you want and need to do. If you want to walk around and live your life in this state of doom as you call it forever then so be it. I cant and wont. I know that GOD has plans for my life and that even if it is just being happy with myself, then that is what it will be. I will take this time to reflect on what I can do to be a better person. What i can bring to the table for the person i was meant to be with. i always knew that person was you, but you do not believe as strongly as I do. You told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to you, but you still choose to throw it away. How many people find a pearl and throw it back into the ocean.
I hope that you are happy with this decision. In the meantime...so i never forget the love i have for you and you will not forget...i want to remind you of the few great moments we shared. Some were a first for the both of us. Others were repeats made better by us. I love you, I know I always have, and i know I always will. Goodbye.
I realized i knew I would love you when we both realized our obsession with Qtips
I was ebullient that you also hated seafood.
The first time we met and all i could do was give you a hug because i did not know how to react
We walked along the park and it rained ever so slightly making the night the perfect romance movie
When you decided to come visit and I told you Christmas came early
The first time you called me after 2 weeks and i knew from the moment I heard your voice that we would be alright.
I did not have a scraper for my car and you used your card instead
When I realized that partying with you was probably the best thing next to sliced bread.
Playing guitar hero for the first time and you swore I was cheating somehow
You and man man sitting in friendlys singing rock songs and you telling him that next time you should collect money for the concert.
All of the arguments when in the end it did not matter because we would just make up.
The many times you told me that no matter how i see myself, i was a beautiful person inside and out, and as long as you saw me that way, i was okay.
Making you listen to high School musical in the car insisting that eventually you will like it.
Taking man man into your job and him thinking that you were the coolest person ever. He asks about you everyday...how am I supposed to tell him.
Waking up in the morning knowing it was time to leave but just laying there because we were so comfortable.
The old school music....the old school music
I Love you. i am giving you up, as they say, and if you belong to me, you will be back.
I hope that you are happy with this decision. In the meantime...so i never forget the love i have for you and you will not forget...i want to remind you of the few great moments we shared. Some were a first for the both of us. Others were repeats made better by us. I love you, I know I always have, and i know I always will. Goodbye.
I realized i knew I would love you when we both realized our obsession with Qtips
I was ebullient that you also hated seafood.
The first time we met and all i could do was give you a hug because i did not know how to react
We walked along the park and it rained ever so slightly making the night the perfect romance movie
When you decided to come visit and I told you Christmas came early
The first time you called me after 2 weeks and i knew from the moment I heard your voice that we would be alright.
I did not have a scraper for my car and you used your card instead
When I realized that partying with you was probably the best thing next to sliced bread.
Playing guitar hero for the first time and you swore I was cheating somehow
You and man man sitting in friendlys singing rock songs and you telling him that next time you should collect money for the concert.
All of the arguments when in the end it did not matter because we would just make up.
The many times you told me that no matter how i see myself, i was a beautiful person inside and out, and as long as you saw me that way, i was okay.
Making you listen to high School musical in the car insisting that eventually you will like it.
Taking man man into your job and him thinking that you were the coolest person ever. He asks about you everyday...how am I supposed to tell him.
Waking up in the morning knowing it was time to leave but just laying there because we were so comfortable.
The old school music....the old school music
I Love you. i am giving you up, as they say, and if you belong to me, you will be back.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
How were you years ago?
****15 YEARS AGO (1994)****
1) How old were you? 117
2) Who were you dating? Kept options open ;)
3) Where did you work? Burger King
4) Where did you live? At Home
5) Where did you hang out? House Parties
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? both
7) Who were your best friends? keitha and Tasha
8) How many tattoos did you have? None
9) How many piercings did you have? Just ears
10) What kind of car did you drive? No car
11) Had you been to a real party? Ummm... too many
12) Had you had your heart broken? Not yet
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? Dating :)
14) Any Kids? um yeah
***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***
1) How old were you? 23
2) Who were you dating? Keyani
3) Where did you work? Value options
4) Where did you live? New York
5) Where did you hang out? Smoothies
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? both
7) Who were your best friends? Tasha
8) How many tattoos did you have? None
9) How many piercings did you have? Just ears
10) What kind of car did you have? Ford Escort
11) Had your heart been broken? Yes
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Single
13)Any Kids? yes 1
****TODAY (2009)****
1) Age? 32
2) Who are you dating? My man...ohh i get shivers thinking about him
3) Where do you work? GE
4) Where do you live? NY
5) Do you wear contacts and/or glasses? I wont after Friday
6) Who are your closest friends? ChrisTasha
7) Do you talk to your old friends? a few
8) How many piercings do you have? Just ears
9) How many tattoos? 3
10) What kind of car do you have? 2005 Nissan Sentra
11) Had your heart been broken? Yup
12) Are you single/taken/married/divorced? Taken
13) How many kids? 2
1) How old were you? 117
2) Who were you dating? Kept options open ;)
3) Where did you work? Burger King
4) Where did you live? At Home
5) Where did you hang out? House Parties
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? both
7) Who were your best friends? keitha and Tasha
8) How many tattoos did you have? None
9) How many piercings did you have? Just ears
10) What kind of car did you drive? No car
11) Had you been to a real party? Ummm... too many
12) Had you had your heart broken? Not yet
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? Dating :)
14) Any Kids? um yeah
***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***
1) How old were you? 23
2) Who were you dating? Keyani
3) Where did you work? Value options
4) Where did you live? New York
5) Where did you hang out? Smoothies
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? both
7) Who were your best friends? Tasha
8) How many tattoos did you have? None
9) How many piercings did you have? Just ears
10) What kind of car did you have? Ford Escort
11) Had your heart been broken? Yes
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Single
13)Any Kids? yes 1
****TODAY (2009)****
1) Age? 32
2) Who are you dating? My man...ohh i get shivers thinking about him
3) Where do you work? GE
4) Where do you live? NY
5) Do you wear contacts and/or glasses? I wont after Friday
6) Who are your closest friends? ChrisTasha
7) Do you talk to your old friends? a few
8) How many piercings do you have? Just ears
9) How many tattoos? 3
10) What kind of car do you have? 2005 Nissan Sentra
11) Had your heart been broken? Yup
12) Are you single/taken/married/divorced? Taken
13) How many kids? 2
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Playmate Vs Soulmate
From Keitha.....I love this
In our quest for happiness we must be sure that we don't settle for a Playmate when God has a Soul mate waiting for us. Sometimes this is a hard distinction to make. Playmates are tricky. They are so much fun to be with that even the smartest of us will be fooled into thinking this has to be our Soul mate. Worse yet too many of us attempt to make a Soul mate out of a Playmate.
The danger of this is that later, after years of playing we will meet our Soul mate, but it may be too late then. We may have already made a Life mate of our Playmate and created life-long bonds (emotional, children, etc.) Or we may have been hurt from playing so hard that we are in no shape ourselves to be anyone anything. How can we distinguish between the One, and just another one?
First, we must be open with ourselves about who we really are and what our soul yearns for. Only you and God know what is truly in your heart and mind. Only you know what will make you truly happy and whole.
In order to find your Soul mate you have to know you, first. You must be willing to listen to that inner voice. And is that voice telling you that the nerdy person you enjoy talking and sharing your thoughts with, could be he? What about that friend who is always willing to go the extra mile for you when no one else will.
Oh no! He's too short or too tall, balding or too hairy, got too many kids, and on and on? Just too ordinary looking for me! Then there's that girl who makes you feel so special when you're around her, but she doesn't match that ideal you have conjured in your head. She's too tall, not slender enough, not light or dark enough, not shapely enough, not attractive enough, and on and on. She just couldn't be for me! So what if he or she doesn't look like Denzel Washington or Halle Berry! He or she is going to treat you like the jewel that you are.
Not only that, his or her soul and yours will commune in ways you never imagined possible! In order to heed that voice, we have to put on the back burner our own superficial thinking. Could it be that your inner desire is for a truly genuine person with a good heart? If you enjoy playing, stay on the playground. There are plenty Playmates out there to occupy your time. but don't spend too much time playing or you may play your life away. Eventually the playing loses it 's appeal and your soul begins to crave a deeper, more meaningful connection. Your soul begins to crave your Soul mate
In our quest for happiness we must be sure that we don't settle for a Playmate when God has a Soul mate waiting for us. Sometimes this is a hard distinction to make. Playmates are tricky. They are so much fun to be with that even the smartest of us will be fooled into thinking this has to be our Soul mate. Worse yet too many of us attempt to make a Soul mate out of a Playmate.
The danger of this is that later, after years of playing we will meet our Soul mate, but it may be too late then. We may have already made a Life mate of our Playmate and created life-long bonds (emotional, children, etc.) Or we may have been hurt from playing so hard that we are in no shape ourselves to be anyone anything. How can we distinguish between the One, and just another one?
First, we must be open with ourselves about who we really are and what our soul yearns for. Only you and God know what is truly in your heart and mind. Only you know what will make you truly happy and whole.
In order to find your Soul mate you have to know you, first. You must be willing to listen to that inner voice. And is that voice telling you that the nerdy person you enjoy talking and sharing your thoughts with, could be he? What about that friend who is always willing to go the extra mile for you when no one else will.
Oh no! He's too short or too tall, balding or too hairy, got too many kids, and on and on? Just too ordinary looking for me! Then there's that girl who makes you feel so special when you're around her, but she doesn't match that ideal you have conjured in your head. She's too tall, not slender enough, not light or dark enough, not shapely enough, not attractive enough, and on and on. She just couldn't be for me! So what if he or she doesn't look like Denzel Washington or Halle Berry! He or she is going to treat you like the jewel that you are.
Not only that, his or her soul and yours will commune in ways you never imagined possible! In order to heed that voice, we have to put on the back burner our own superficial thinking. Could it be that your inner desire is for a truly genuine person with a good heart? If you enjoy playing, stay on the playground. There are plenty Playmates out there to occupy your time. but don't spend too much time playing or you may play your life away. Eventually the playing loses it 's appeal and your soul begins to crave a deeper, more meaningful connection. Your soul begins to crave your Soul mate
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Is Love Real?
I believe if everyone (men & women) would just be real with each other and have each other's back in good and bad times that everyone would be better off. We are so busy trying to change each other, get over on each other, control each other, cheat on each other, hang these over each other's head, throw things in each other's faces, bring each other down, abuse each other, curse at each other, play each other, disrespect each other that we are forgetting to love one another. Always remember why you hooked up with that person in the first place. Don't stop doing the things that attracted that person to you. Just be respectful and don't do it as much or included the other person when you do. When both of you are out and about, remember that you are representing each other out there. Don't do anything that you can't tell your mate about. If you can't tell them then it's cheating. You should be able to tell each other anything and everything even if it hurts or will hurt the other person. Love is Love. Weight can be lost. Attitudes go away. Pain stops. Don't stay with a person just for the kids. The kids will still be there where you are there or not. There's a song that goes " If your heart isn't in it then why keep me hanging on?" Relationships are not hard. People make them hard. If you can't trust them then say goodbye even if it hurts. Remember this and share this with your special someone. No games ,no lies, no B.S. Just be Real.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I should not be doing this
But i am at work blogging, because i need to take a freaking break. Things have been non stop since 9AM this morning and I am exhausted i think. It probably does not help that i did not go to bed until 6AM the morning. Dont even ask why, it is a long story. I literally got 2.5 hours of sleep in my PJ's (lol) and headed off to work.
I am tired of being tired. I think i need to start taking my iron again. Anyway my ex called me 5 times yesterday to say hi. LOL I told his friend that he is now on the verge of being a stalker and if he keeps playing around, i may just have to call his wifety wife. Man i am just kind of fed up all around. Someone asked me recently what i was looking for in an ideal man. I should have said money, power and looks, but i didn't of course because I am not that shallow. I guess I could be or sometimes think I should be, but i am not. I just want to be happy. Have someone as my best friend. What does that entail, I do not know.
Next weekend I am going to Montreal. I finally broke down and booked a trip. I know it is days before Florida, but i need to get the hell outta here by myself, before going away with the kids. And i cannot wait. i booked my train, I just have to book a room. This will be exciting. It will be the first time i will be in a city i do not know, by myself, and just get to explore an old world. I dont know how it will be but it will definitely be a new adventure.
I am tired of being tired. I think i need to start taking my iron again. Anyway my ex called me 5 times yesterday to say hi. LOL I told his friend that he is now on the verge of being a stalker and if he keeps playing around, i may just have to call his wifety wife. Man i am just kind of fed up all around. Someone asked me recently what i was looking for in an ideal man. I should have said money, power and looks, but i didn't of course because I am not that shallow. I guess I could be or sometimes think I should be, but i am not. I just want to be happy. Have someone as my best friend. What does that entail, I do not know.
Next weekend I am going to Montreal. I finally broke down and booked a trip. I know it is days before Florida, but i need to get the hell outta here by myself, before going away with the kids. And i cannot wait. i booked my train, I just have to book a room. This will be exciting. It will be the first time i will be in a city i do not know, by myself, and just get to explore an old world. I dont know how it will be but it will definitely be a new adventure.
Monday, February 16, 2009
New one
I wanna say...
Let's do it
And all the way this moment
Move closer to me
Soul path
Show it
That part
That fear
You are so far
Even when so near
I require more of you
Desire more of you
And I aint accepting
Less than the best you can give
And I aint taking less
Than all my breathes while I live
I wanna say let's do it
I just need your permission
Your eye to glisten
Ear to listen
Heart..
To wish in
To bless us
Let's do it
And all the way this moment
Move closer to me
Soul path
Show it
That part
That fear
You are so far
Even when so near
I require more of you
Desire more of you
And I aint accepting
Less than the best you can give
And I aint taking less
Than all my breathes while I live
I wanna say let's do it
I just need your permission
Your eye to glisten
Ear to listen
Heart..
To wish in
To bless us
Lessons Learned from Nakia on FB
My body is tired
Limbs are sore from stretching and releasing and giving
And holding on
Mind is tired of thinking and explaining and dreaming
And reaching for answers
To questions that will never be asked
Heart is tired of aching hungrily
Tired of wildly beating
Only to stop, quiet and anxious
Scared to moveIn case things change
I tried to give you all of me
Every inch of skin
Morsel of strength and
Ounce of love
Placed the gift of me gently in your hands
You looked at my offer
Just looked and
Took pieces when you cared
Left others to scatter when you didn't
Kept all of you to yourself
You stood still and
Held on with the tightest grip
Teeth bared, eyes squinting,
Arms straining to hold on to you and yours
Selfish and scared
The crazy part is
I held the same stance
Stood still and held on with the tightest grip
Teeth bared, eyes squinting, arms straining
To hold on to YOU
And yours
We Never came to be
It was just you
With me sprinkled here and there
A withering smile
A strand of brown hair
And an empty daydream
That is all
It was nothing
My body is tired
Over nothing
But not for long
It is over and soon I will smile
With my head up
Eyes daring the sun to shine brighter
Arms teasing the wind
Feet steadying the earth
YesIt is over and there are no tears now
No worries, no regretsNo need to analyze
No need to heal
Just lessons learned
Understanding earned
New light and easy living
I can rest now
Yes
NowI can rest
Limbs are sore from stretching and releasing and giving
And holding on
Mind is tired of thinking and explaining and dreaming
And reaching for answers
To questions that will never be asked
Heart is tired of aching hungrily
Tired of wildly beating
Only to stop, quiet and anxious
Scared to moveIn case things change
I tried to give you all of me
Every inch of skin
Morsel of strength and
Ounce of love
Placed the gift of me gently in your hands
You looked at my offer
Just looked and
Took pieces when you cared
Left others to scatter when you didn't
Kept all of you to yourself
You stood still and
Held on with the tightest grip
Teeth bared, eyes squinting,
Arms straining to hold on to you and yours
Selfish and scared
The crazy part is
I held the same stance
Stood still and held on with the tightest grip
Teeth bared, eyes squinting, arms straining
To hold on to YOU
And yours
We Never came to be
It was just you
With me sprinkled here and there
A withering smile
A strand of brown hair
And an empty daydream
That is all
It was nothing
My body is tired
Over nothing
But not for long
It is over and soon I will smile
With my head up
Eyes daring the sun to shine brighter
Arms teasing the wind
Feet steadying the earth
YesIt is over and there are no tears now
No worries, no regretsNo need to analyze
No need to heal
Just lessons learned
Understanding earned
New light and easy living
I can rest now
Yes
NowI can rest
Blogging again
Sorry, it has been a while since i have been on. It has been kind of crazy at work and life. I do have great new though. I finally took down my Xmas decorations. I know it is like 2 months past Xmas, but oh well. Might as well enjoy it while I can. I also bought a plasma tv on Sunday. i picked it up today and am soo excited to hook it up. PJ is going to come to the house and set everything up for me. i would do it but i figure why if he already knows. :) i also gave Tuboson my new laptop and old one. he is in the process of transferring everything over for me, so it feels like my old one, documents and all. LOL I talked to him about his crazy ass friend Toyin, and he agreed that i need to just let Toyin go. Do it easy, but do it. All Toyin did was talk about the incident that happened on Friday and now he is worried that he let me go to soon, how could i really just move on, should he leave his wife because he doesn't think he can really lose me. i told Tubosun it was too late. I am going to call hime, go out to dinner and just lay it down straight. I feel it is my only option at this point.
So i talked to my bestest friend in the entire world yesterday, Tasha. Damn I love that woman. And it is so refreshing when we actually have a good conversation. She knew I was not happy when she left so suddenly. i talked to her about a bunch of stuff and she did the same. The girl always gives me a breath of fresh air. I mean i have a lot of close friends, but Tasha proves why she is the best. i am going to pass on the advice she shared to you...
Stop being so breakable with everyone. Start listening to yourselfand not everyone else who tells you what they think or what they think you want hear. The only person that can judge you is GOD. We are strong beautiful women and we should never let anyone take our joy. The only person that can truly take our joy is ourselves and only because we allow it to happen. You need to always do what makes you happy and even if that means that sometime you will be unhappy, it is better to be happy somedays and unhappy some others than be unhappy all of the time. We have accomplished so much and although we are not where we need to be, we are almost there. And most importantly live life from day to day because you dont have promises for tomorrow. Do what you can do now to make you happy.
So i talked to my bestest friend in the entire world yesterday, Tasha. Damn I love that woman. And it is so refreshing when we actually have a good conversation. She knew I was not happy when she left so suddenly. i talked to her about a bunch of stuff and she did the same. The girl always gives me a breath of fresh air. I mean i have a lot of close friends, but Tasha proves why she is the best. i am going to pass on the advice she shared to you...
Stop being so breakable with everyone. Start listening to yourselfand not everyone else who tells you what they think or what they think you want hear. The only person that can judge you is GOD. We are strong beautiful women and we should never let anyone take our joy. The only person that can truly take our joy is ourselves and only because we allow it to happen. You need to always do what makes you happy and even if that means that sometime you will be unhappy, it is better to be happy somedays and unhappy some others than be unhappy all of the time. We have accomplished so much and although we are not where we need to be, we are almost there. And most importantly live life from day to day because you dont have promises for tomorrow. Do what you can do now to make you happy.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Late Night
I am up very late tonight, thinking about so many things. I really need to go to bed, but it is 1AM and I am up. I really need to start writing in my journal again. I started to and wrote a few songs and personal notes to myself, but there are so many things that I still need to say and do, but I feel like I just do not have the time.
Tash is leaving tomorrow and I am sad about it. I will miss my girl, but I know she has to go back home. I was thinking about calling Pajamas and seeing what was up, but I didn't. It is cold in my house but I think it is just me, cuz Man Man is butt naked in the bed. I am so confused and have so much turmoil within myself right now about so many things. Career, Love, Friendships, Relationships period, my life and where I am supposed to be going. I have always been the type of person to just do things on a whim, but I know I cannot do that anymore because there is so much at stake when I make crazy decisions. And although I would love to be able to just do what I want i know that sometimes it is impossible. Like I do not want to go to work tomorrow because I hate my job now, but I know I have to. They are paying for my schooling and my other bills LOL. I am so tired. I want to drop off of the radar for a while. Keep in contact with the few that I need to, but I can't because a lack of attention does not suit me. I feel like I need a abreak from life in general. I know when I go to Disney I will get my break, but I need a real break. I think I am going to leave one day randomly and just go. Kinda like stella. And not like i need my groove back, like I just need to get away. Sort through things. Come up with a real plan. A few days should do. As a matter of fact that is exactly what I am going to do. Just leave, even if it is only for a day or so. No kids, no family, no man, Just me. Maybe I will get refreshed, revived and rejuvenated to tackle this crazy thing we call life. I figure i have already live 1/3 of my life and there is not much time left. It goes so quickly and there is still so much I have to do. Get my degree, get married, move up the latter and hit the glass ceiling LOL, and just enjoy life. I want to travel, Every year, go somewhere different. And I am going to start next month. Not just with my trip to Disney, I am going to book a vacation, Somewhere new, somewhere where i can just relax. Ohhh I cannot wait.
Tash is leaving tomorrow and I am sad about it. I will miss my girl, but I know she has to go back home. I was thinking about calling Pajamas and seeing what was up, but I didn't. It is cold in my house but I think it is just me, cuz Man Man is butt naked in the bed. I am so confused and have so much turmoil within myself right now about so many things. Career, Love, Friendships, Relationships period, my life and where I am supposed to be going. I have always been the type of person to just do things on a whim, but I know I cannot do that anymore because there is so much at stake when I make crazy decisions. And although I would love to be able to just do what I want i know that sometimes it is impossible. Like I do not want to go to work tomorrow because I hate my job now, but I know I have to. They are paying for my schooling and my other bills LOL. I am so tired. I want to drop off of the radar for a while. Keep in contact with the few that I need to, but I can't because a lack of attention does not suit me. I feel like I need a abreak from life in general. I know when I go to Disney I will get my break, but I need a real break. I think I am going to leave one day randomly and just go. Kinda like stella. And not like i need my groove back, like I just need to get away. Sort through things. Come up with a real plan. A few days should do. As a matter of fact that is exactly what I am going to do. Just leave, even if it is only for a day or so. No kids, no family, no man, Just me. Maybe I will get refreshed, revived and rejuvenated to tackle this crazy thing we call life. I figure i have already live 1/3 of my life and there is not much time left. It goes so quickly and there is still so much I have to do. Get my degree, get married, move up the latter and hit the glass ceiling LOL, and just enjoy life. I want to travel, Every year, go somewhere different. And I am going to start next month. Not just with my trip to Disney, I am going to book a vacation, Somewhere new, somewhere where i can just relax. Ohhh I cannot wait.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monster Wedding
Ok, So i do not know if it is just me or if everyone else in the world may feel like this, but i think i have honestly and wholeheartedly decided that I am not having a wedding....EVER. And the sad part is that as a little girl, it is all you ever dream about, but now i know everyhting that goes into it, and I do not really think I want one.
My sister and cousing are getting married this year. My cousin will be getting married on March 14th, ad my sister is getting married sometime in August. I forgot when. My sister has decided that now her new favorite color is Blue (which was always mine) so that will be her bridal gown colors. And my dress is going to cost me more than any prom dress, and i can only where it onece. AARRGGHH. We have decided that we are wearing slippers though instead of all out shoes. This is all just too much of a hassle for me. And i am not even the one getting married.
But here goes the kicker. So My cousin has her bridal shower this weekend, and I finally decided to go on the registry to see what she wanted. Oh my goodness. As my mom says...this is how the upper middle class live. $80 place setting and that is one plate, one cup a fork, spoon and knife. A $150 food processor. And the worst part is that they are not moving out of her mother's house until they save to buy a house....next year!. Why cant they just have a house warming party next year and get all of this stuff. Did I mention she is 20 and he is like 35. We want to go out for the bachelorette party and she isn't even old enough to get into anyplace.
i have just decided that a wedding demand too much energy and time and money, for 1 day. One day that you will remember for the rest of your life, yeah, but it is still only 1 day. And although it would be nice, I want to be able to celebrate my nuptials with as many people as I can. Get married and have a big party to show everyone i finally did it. And for everyone to celebrate with us. And then be able to spend the rest on a nice LONG honeymoon where we can just enjoy each other. Spend $1000 on the reception and $8000 on honeymoon. LOL works for me....
My sister and cousing are getting married this year. My cousin will be getting married on March 14th, ad my sister is getting married sometime in August. I forgot when. My sister has decided that now her new favorite color is Blue (which was always mine) so that will be her bridal gown colors. And my dress is going to cost me more than any prom dress, and i can only where it onece. AARRGGHH. We have decided that we are wearing slippers though instead of all out shoes. This is all just too much of a hassle for me. And i am not even the one getting married.
But here goes the kicker. So My cousin has her bridal shower this weekend, and I finally decided to go on the registry to see what she wanted. Oh my goodness. As my mom says...this is how the upper middle class live. $80 place setting and that is one plate, one cup a fork, spoon and knife. A $150 food processor. And the worst part is that they are not moving out of her mother's house until they save to buy a house....next year!. Why cant they just have a house warming party next year and get all of this stuff. Did I mention she is 20 and he is like 35. We want to go out for the bachelorette party and she isn't even old enough to get into anyplace.
i have just decided that a wedding demand too much energy and time and money, for 1 day. One day that you will remember for the rest of your life, yeah, but it is still only 1 day. And although it would be nice, I want to be able to celebrate my nuptials with as many people as I can. Get married and have a big party to show everyone i finally did it. And for everyone to celebrate with us. And then be able to spend the rest on a nice LONG honeymoon where we can just enjoy each other. Spend $1000 on the reception and $8000 on honeymoon. LOL works for me....
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
25 Random Things about Me
1. I love my family... family days, family vacations, family traditions
2. I'm pretty good at RPG video games and if I am not good at a video game I will just sit around and tell you what to do
3. I never was a huge sports fan until my son started playing football. Now i could watch football every night
4. I'm addicted to t.v. and my computer
5. I'm a homebody... I enjoy going out, but always love coming home! And could stay in my bed all day
6. I love a Caramel Latte from Dunkin Donuts
7. I'm a big wimp when it comes to bugs, mice, snakes, etc... but I love to watch them on TV
8. I am petrified of the dark because I think Mike Myers is after me
9. I love rollercoasters more than ever, although I can't do the really high ones like the Superman
10. I sometimes wish I had enough balls to say exactly what I want but an too afraid of hurting people's feelings.
11. I am such a messy person. It is probably why I am still single
12. I love to read and write (obviously)
13. I used to at the local radio station as the Urban Format Director and Chris Cool tried to teach me how to mix, but I never caught on
14. I curse a bit too much and hate that I do it
15. I LOVE going to the movies with my man, my boys, with friends...
16. I hate it when people are rude in the movie theater
17. I can hold a grudge for a very long time...Ask my family I went months without talking to my sister
18. My dad made me watch Psycho at 8 and I never took a shower without someone in the bathroom with me. Now I still will not take one if I am home alone
19. I am a shopaholic
20. My favorite show on tv that I could watch all day everyday is Animal Planet's Be the Creature
21. I do not like to be outsmarted and if you do outsmart me, I will most likely not talk to you anymore
22. I often operate in extremes (fire and ice)
23. I want to visit a new country every year starting in 2010
24. I laugh loudly and without holding back when I think something is funny
25. I used to ONLY cry when I laughed and at sappy movies/commercials... After hitting my 30's I seem to cry about everything
2. I'm pretty good at RPG video games and if I am not good at a video game I will just sit around and tell you what to do
3. I never was a huge sports fan until my son started playing football. Now i could watch football every night
4. I'm addicted to t.v. and my computer
5. I'm a homebody... I enjoy going out, but always love coming home! And could stay in my bed all day
6. I love a Caramel Latte from Dunkin Donuts
7. I'm a big wimp when it comes to bugs, mice, snakes, etc... but I love to watch them on TV
8. I am petrified of the dark because I think Mike Myers is after me
9. I love rollercoasters more than ever, although I can't do the really high ones like the Superman
10. I sometimes wish I had enough balls to say exactly what I want but an too afraid of hurting people's feelings.
11. I am such a messy person. It is probably why I am still single
12. I love to read and write (obviously)
13. I used to at the local radio station as the Urban Format Director and Chris Cool tried to teach me how to mix, but I never caught on
14. I curse a bit too much and hate that I do it
15. I LOVE going to the movies with my man, my boys, with friends...
16. I hate it when people are rude in the movie theater
17. I can hold a grudge for a very long time...Ask my family I went months without talking to my sister
18. My dad made me watch Psycho at 8 and I never took a shower without someone in the bathroom with me. Now I still will not take one if I am home alone
19. I am a shopaholic
20. My favorite show on tv that I could watch all day everyday is Animal Planet's Be the Creature
21. I do not like to be outsmarted and if you do outsmart me, I will most likely not talk to you anymore
22. I often operate in extremes (fire and ice)
23. I want to visit a new country every year starting in 2010
24. I laugh loudly and without holding back when I think something is funny
25. I used to ONLY cry when I laughed and at sappy movies/commercials... After hitting my 30's I seem to cry about everything
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Birthday Weekend
Hey guys. So I just got back from my niece and nephew birthday party. It was good. But they are 2 so I am not sure how much fun it is that you can have at a two year old's party. The good thing is that I got to see family I have not seen in a very long time. So it was good to just sit and have a convo with them. :)
I still have not started my paper and will probably do the majority of it tomm. I hate writing papers. But once again I have something to blog about. Most of you know that I have lost a lot of weight over the past year, through bypass surgery. You know why do people hate me because I take pride in the little things. Like when I cross my legs....I get freaking excited, so because of that I am bragging. Or how about the fact that I can fit into a size 9 jeans, I am bragging. I think people are just mad, because they could always use the excuse that "Well at least Hope is fatter than me" and now they can't. It fucking pisses me off, that now that I am healthier and weigh 100 lbs less than what I did before that people like to say that I am bragging. It is not about bragging it is about being proud! and that is it. So those of you that hate me for it, I do not care you can hate me. There are people out there who are very happy for me, and those are the people that I can say truly know exactly what I mean when i get excited over the small stuff.
I still have not started my paper and will probably do the majority of it tomm. I hate writing papers. But once again I have something to blog about. Most of you know that I have lost a lot of weight over the past year, through bypass surgery. You know why do people hate me because I take pride in the little things. Like when I cross my legs....I get freaking excited, so because of that I am bragging. Or how about the fact that I can fit into a size 9 jeans, I am bragging. I think people are just mad, because they could always use the excuse that "Well at least Hope is fatter than me" and now they can't. It fucking pisses me off, that now that I am healthier and weigh 100 lbs less than what I did before that people like to say that I am bragging. It is not about bragging it is about being proud! and that is it. So those of you that hate me for it, I do not care you can hate me. There are people out there who are very happy for me, and those are the people that I can say truly know exactly what I mean when i get excited over the small stuff.
Friday, January 16, 2009
It is still freaking cold
Oh my goodness. i cannot believe the freaking weather up here. It is like 4 degrees outside. i hate the cold. i just wanted to stay in my bed all day today and do absolutely nothing. Why can't i just stay at home all the time. i could work from home. Someone get me a work from home job, PLEASE!!!
So i went out on a lunch date today. i am trying to keep my options open. And i have kept them WWAAYY open. I went on a date with Michael. He is really cool though. He is a white dude, and i was shocked when he started to write me. But we get along. We shall see what happens. I am still sticking to my motto I put in my last blog. SAVE IT FOR THE ONE!
i am actually doing much better than I thought I would about not speaking to Babby Daddy (that is what Keitha refers to him as so from now on he will be known as baby daddy) . i feel so liberated of the situation. i mean like i said before if it was meant to be then it will be. He told me last week that even though people say love conquers all, it is not true. And i am sooo in agreement now. Because it does not. And sometimes when you love someone you have to make the best choices for them. that is why i chose to let him go.
This weekend should be interesting. it is the twins birthday party this weekend. For those of you that don't know about the twins, I will tell you. My sister nichole got pregnant right before we went to Disney World last year. At 23.5 weeks she delivered Aaron and Adrianna. They weighed 1lb. They were sooo tiny. They said if she had delivered 3 weeks earlier, they would not have tried to save them. During the 5 months that these babies were in the hospital Adrianna had heart surgery and Aaron had brain surgery for a brain bleed. The doctors thought they would be disabled and end up with CP. Well the twins just turned 2 and are very healthy. Aaron is so full of energy and Adrianna will be the smarty pants like me. I love those babies so much, and they love there Auntie Hopey. So there party is tomorrow and it should be lots of fun.
After that i really do have to do my paper. I keep procrastinating and it will catch up to me eventually. Let's not forget i still have my thesis to start. AARRGGHH. i need to hibernate for a few months, until this is all over with. Have a great day everyone.
So i went out on a lunch date today. i am trying to keep my options open. And i have kept them WWAAYY open. I went on a date with Michael. He is really cool though. He is a white dude, and i was shocked when he started to write me. But we get along. We shall see what happens. I am still sticking to my motto I put in my last blog. SAVE IT FOR THE ONE!
i am actually doing much better than I thought I would about not speaking to Babby Daddy (that is what Keitha refers to him as so from now on he will be known as baby daddy) . i feel so liberated of the situation. i mean like i said before if it was meant to be then it will be. He told me last week that even though people say love conquers all, it is not true. And i am sooo in agreement now. Because it does not. And sometimes when you love someone you have to make the best choices for them. that is why i chose to let him go.
This weekend should be interesting. it is the twins birthday party this weekend. For those of you that don't know about the twins, I will tell you. My sister nichole got pregnant right before we went to Disney World last year. At 23.5 weeks she delivered Aaron and Adrianna. They weighed 1lb. They were sooo tiny. They said if she had delivered 3 weeks earlier, they would not have tried to save them. During the 5 months that these babies were in the hospital Adrianna had heart surgery and Aaron had brain surgery for a brain bleed. The doctors thought they would be disabled and end up with CP. Well the twins just turned 2 and are very healthy. Aaron is so full of energy and Adrianna will be the smarty pants like me. I love those babies so much, and they love there Auntie Hopey. So there party is tomorrow and it should be lots of fun.
After that i really do have to do my paper. I keep procrastinating and it will catch up to me eventually. Let's not forget i still have my thesis to start. AARRGGHH. i need to hibernate for a few months, until this is all over with. Have a great day everyone.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
LIBERATED
I know many of you really do not care about everything that is going on in my life. I would write in my journal but honestly I find it too time consuming now. I want to write someplace where I know that I will be able to look back on this and see how crazy my life has been over the past couple of months and wonder...How the hell did that happen? and more so Why did I let that happen?
I want to start off by saying that I am watching the Stupid man on TV and he cannot even deliver a good farewell speech. This man is dumb!!!
So anyway, I just want to say I feel so liberated right now. I don't know how I got to this point but for the first time in a few months I actually feel good about what I have done. Done today.
Many of you probably do not know, but I was seeing someone for a while. We met a while ag online (I won't reveal where LOL) but we really hit it off. We chatted for a while and talked and really got to know each other for quite some time. Then I found out he had a girlfriend. Needless to sya I wanted to let go but could not. For a variety of reasons. I know it was stupid, but it is what it is. We started to talk again and it was like nothing ever changed. Needless to say she knew we were still talking and it never stopped. I will not go into all of the details, but my heart was absolutely broke when I did not hear from him for two weeks. And once again just when I started to get over it, he contacts me again. By msngr at first and I asked him to please leave me alone, as I could not go back to where I was again. But later on that week I got a phone call. He was here and wanted to see me. Oh my GOD again!!!! Really. I could not do it, but I did. I saw him last week again and felt like it was one of the best nights in my life. But the next day I felt weak again. I felt like I had done something wrong again, and I knew I should not have done it.
So I have spoken to him a few times over the last couple of days, but TODAY!!! TODAY I woke up and knew that I needed it to end once and for all. So I programmed my phone once again to not receive phone calls from anyone in my phone book. And it is sooo hard because more than anything I really want to be with him. I feel like we complete each other, but I know that if he was as much in love with me as he said he was, he would do that and just be with me. That is what I told Shaketa tonight. I am sick of being number 2. It is not fair to me, and it is not fair to his girlfriend. Regardless of everything that he has told me about her and their relationship together, he is with her, and telling her that he loves her and wants to be with her, and telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me. I mean damn if he really loved me as much as he said he di, he would just move out. And he has not.
I guess I just don't understand. Like Amy Winehouse says..."What is it about Men?" I mean here you have a 37 year old man who wants to play games. I mean when is it time to just settle down? When will it not be about getting as many girls as you can? And the sad part is that I know he was talking to a few other women, so lord knows how many other people he is doing this too. So I know it is time for me to move on and just keep pursuing my dreams. I know that if it was meant to be, then it will be. They say when you give something away, if it was really yours, it will find a way to come back to you.
So onto the other man I was seeing. Mr. Brandon. Umm yeah...we will not be speaking anymore. At all. Yo I cannot believe how people are just crazy sometimes. So he decided to come over to my house the other night (the kids were all in bed, so none the wiser). He texts me to let me know that he is outside. I text him back and tell him to just come upstairs. He never does. So I finally go downstairs and he starts almost like yelling at me. "Yo don't be having me wait outside in the cold like that" I was like "I don't know who you think you are talking to, but 6'3" or not, I will try to at least bust your ass" He was telling me he did not appreciate being left outside....whatever. But then I was talking and he says to me"Oh I see I gotta teach you when to shut up" I was like WHAT!!!!! Needless to say, after that we will not be speaking anymore. I was just going to tell him that we are going in two different directions, but Keitha said, don't say shit. Just don't call him anymore. Silence is best. So that is what I am going to do, just not talk to him.
So it brings me to this point. Really what is going on??? I mean I know that I am a great woman. I said before that I am destined for something great and I just cannot seem to get it right. Men act so stupid. So here I am back to square one, and I know what I am going to do. Get rid of them all and start over. My list is going back to zero. If that means that I have to be celibate for the next five years then so be it. I am not giving it up, my heart, my mind, my punani, nothing to no one, until I know it is right. That I have found someone who will be as devoted to me as I am to him. I am so over it. If it means that I will be single forever then I will be. But I am no longer going to put up with the bullshit. I will be sticking it out this time. I am worth so much more. I do not need someone who is a liar, a cheater, a player, emotionally abusive, whatever. I am holding out!!!!!!!!
Hope
I want to start off by saying that I am watching the Stupid man on TV and he cannot even deliver a good farewell speech. This man is dumb!!!
So anyway, I just want to say I feel so liberated right now. I don't know how I got to this point but for the first time in a few months I actually feel good about what I have done. Done today.
Many of you probably do not know, but I was seeing someone for a while. We met a while ag online (I won't reveal where LOL) but we really hit it off. We chatted for a while and talked and really got to know each other for quite some time. Then I found out he had a girlfriend. Needless to sya I wanted to let go but could not. For a variety of reasons. I know it was stupid, but it is what it is. We started to talk again and it was like nothing ever changed. Needless to say she knew we were still talking and it never stopped. I will not go into all of the details, but my heart was absolutely broke when I did not hear from him for two weeks. And once again just when I started to get over it, he contacts me again. By msngr at first and I asked him to please leave me alone, as I could not go back to where I was again. But later on that week I got a phone call. He was here and wanted to see me. Oh my GOD again!!!! Really. I could not do it, but I did. I saw him last week again and felt like it was one of the best nights in my life. But the next day I felt weak again. I felt like I had done something wrong again, and I knew I should not have done it.
So I have spoken to him a few times over the last couple of days, but TODAY!!! TODAY I woke up and knew that I needed it to end once and for all. So I programmed my phone once again to not receive phone calls from anyone in my phone book. And it is sooo hard because more than anything I really want to be with him. I feel like we complete each other, but I know that if he was as much in love with me as he said he was, he would do that and just be with me. That is what I told Shaketa tonight. I am sick of being number 2. It is not fair to me, and it is not fair to his girlfriend. Regardless of everything that he has told me about her and their relationship together, he is with her, and telling her that he loves her and wants to be with her, and telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me. I mean damn if he really loved me as much as he said he di, he would just move out. And he has not.
I guess I just don't understand. Like Amy Winehouse says..."What is it about Men?" I mean here you have a 37 year old man who wants to play games. I mean when is it time to just settle down? When will it not be about getting as many girls as you can? And the sad part is that I know he was talking to a few other women, so lord knows how many other people he is doing this too. So I know it is time for me to move on and just keep pursuing my dreams. I know that if it was meant to be, then it will be. They say when you give something away, if it was really yours, it will find a way to come back to you.
So onto the other man I was seeing. Mr. Brandon. Umm yeah...we will not be speaking anymore. At all. Yo I cannot believe how people are just crazy sometimes. So he decided to come over to my house the other night (the kids were all in bed, so none the wiser). He texts me to let me know that he is outside. I text him back and tell him to just come upstairs. He never does. So I finally go downstairs and he starts almost like yelling at me. "Yo don't be having me wait outside in the cold like that" I was like "I don't know who you think you are talking to, but 6'3" or not, I will try to at least bust your ass" He was telling me he did not appreciate being left outside....whatever. But then I was talking and he says to me"Oh I see I gotta teach you when to shut up" I was like WHAT!!!!! Needless to say, after that we will not be speaking anymore. I was just going to tell him that we are going in two different directions, but Keitha said, don't say shit. Just don't call him anymore. Silence is best. So that is what I am going to do, just not talk to him.
So it brings me to this point. Really what is going on??? I mean I know that I am a great woman. I said before that I am destined for something great and I just cannot seem to get it right. Men act so stupid. So here I am back to square one, and I know what I am going to do. Get rid of them all and start over. My list is going back to zero. If that means that I have to be celibate for the next five years then so be it. I am not giving it up, my heart, my mind, my punani, nothing to no one, until I know it is right. That I have found someone who will be as devoted to me as I am to him. I am so over it. If it means that I will be single forever then I will be. But I am no longer going to put up with the bullshit. I will be sticking it out this time. I am worth so much more. I do not need someone who is a liar, a cheater, a player, emotionally abusive, whatever. I am holding out!!!!!!!!
Hope
Deleting my Myspace
So I have decided to delete my myspace this week. I wish i could say I don't know why, but honestly it is because I am addicted to myspace, and really need to just get off of it. I will be moving all of my blogs over here and will probably do a litle more blogging about things in my life here versus myspace. For those that really care, they will have to come here to read my blog. I will still keep my facebook and blackplanet pages open, only because I am not on them soo much and do not foresee me being on them so much. I am also sick of the stupid games with baby daddy's girlfriend. I will be posting on that very soon, but do not have time to go into details about it right now. FYI: I cannot wait to go see Notorious this weekend with Donald. i will talk to you all very soon.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Weirdest Sexual Experiences
Weird Sexual Experiences
I was talking to my sister yesterday, and I decided to write about some of the weird sexual experiences I have had. I mean to the point of laughing. I mean I laugh about it now, but I wasn't when it happened.1. Every been with someone and when you start kissing them and they start to kiss your neck and such, they growl? OMG really growl lik GGGRRRRR. I couldn't believe it. Thank God we did not actually have sex, he probably would have started to howl.
2. Ever been with someone and the dude asks you to put a finger in his ass? Now don't get me wrong, cuz I actually would love to find the HE Spot, but not on the Spot like that
3. How about when you are making love, and the man calls your vagagae "your sweetness" Oh My GOD. I had to write that one out. I told him after that, please do not talk while we have sex. The sad part is that I love to talk shit when I have sex, but damn I just could not handle...."your sweetness"
4. I hate teaching someone how to have oral sex. But let me tell ya'll, a few weeks ago..someone ate my shit so good, I literally cried. I need him to teach everyone else how to eat some coochie, because some of ya'll think you know but you don't.
What about your weirdest sexual experiences?
New Years Eve
New Years Eve
Hey Everyone! I hope everyone had a great coming into the New Year. It is 2009 and I am excited! I do not even know why. So many things in my life are going to change this year and I can tell you that I really have never been so excited! But we will get into that later.I started to write in my journal this week and it is absolutely amazing how things change from day to day. It is kind of like my diary but I have started to write some poetry and thoughts in there, and it really has been a good experience.
So for New Years Eve, I went to this party with my girl Carm and her boyfriend. There were a whole bunch of other people who were supposed to come, but they just stayed home or went to church. Some met me out after and it was cool. We had so much fun.
So I went to Carm and Will's room and damn it was like walking into a freaking liquor store. These two had the whole damn bar in there room. I was thinking we could get together sometime and have a few drinks next weekend. Oh shoot, tat is our holiday party...Oh wait the drinks are free there too. :) I cannot wait.
Anyway we had a few drinks while watching deal or no deal. Hopefully that woman won her million dollars. I don't care because it was not me. We walked around the corner to the club and I realized they did not have an ATM. We were all a bit too drunk to even drive at this point so Will (sweetheart) ran across the street to get money out so we could get in. We walked in and it was pretty packed. I was a bit shocked at how many people were there on NYE. We found a seat and headed over to the bar. The bartender asked us what we were drinking and I told him my drink and Carm told him her drink, then he looks at Will and was like "Oh shit Will" I won't get into details, but we did not have to pay for our drinks.
We danced most of the night, and the old dudes were just flocking. Carm had to come get me from the dance floor at one point. With me I do not car who I am dancing with, I just love to dance. I got in a few good dances with my friend Dizan (LOL) and then we headed back to our seats. While we were there, Carm asked this dude to take our picture. He did and we both laughed cuz he was kinda cute. My type, tall dark (I love em dark) and handsome. So we danced a bit more. The New Years came and went, a bit too quickly I might add, I called my boys, my mom and sister, and then the lines were busy. :)
We went back over to the chairs, and I was thinking (depressingly) I cannot believe I have brought in another New Years alone :(. Needless to say Carm already had a plan. So about 10 minutes after 12, Carm goes over to this dude and asks him if he is there alone. He responds yes he is. She asks him if he has a girlfriend. He says no he does not. She says to him "Well my girlfriend think your cute, you better go talk to her" He laughs and she says "Good Luck" He pulls her back and says "Why good luck?" She said...because looks aren't everything. LMAO.
So he comes over and we start talking. We really hit it off right away. Good converstaion in a party no less. It was amusing. If you saw me there, you know what I was doing the other half of the time instead of talking. Sorry the alcohol had me. We talked about everything...work, kids, girlfriends, byfriends. I asked him about 5 times if he had a girlfriend. He laughed. I told him no matter what every person I meet has a girlfriend and just never tells me. I find out because they call or write me. As I have always in the past, I told him I will ask him that question Every single day, until I am absolutely positive he doesn't.
So we sat and talked and danced a bit, and talked and danced. It was really a great time. It really took my mind off of so many things. We went to breakfast (Denny's was packed) and continued to talk. It was a great way to end a horrible week for me. As I always say, nothing heals a broken heart like a new man, and boy I think I choose a nice one :).
The one thing is that someone recently said....it is all about the chase. She is going to leave once the chase is over. And the funny thing is it never is about the chase, but you know what...it will be this time. Although we hit it off well, I know now not to trust anyone, and to always question everything they tell you. I will not give in easily, and protect myslef. This is a new year, and things are changing, starting now.
Pics are up on my page, check them out tell me what you think. Keitha I will call you to give you further details. Thanks everyone for helping me bring in a great New Year. Thanks Carm and Will for not making me feel like a third leg. And thank God for keeping me here one more year! I hope everyone has good year like I will.
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