LIBERATED

I know many of you really do not care about everything that is going on in my life. I would write in my journal but honestly I find it too time consuming now. I want to write someplace where I know that I will be able to look back on this and see how crazy my life has been over the past couple of months and wonder...How the hell did that happen? and more so Why did I let that happen?

I want to start off by saying that I am watching the Stupid man on TV and he cannot even deliver a good farewell speech. This man is dumb!!!

So anyway, I just want to say I feel so liberated right now. I don't know how I got to this point but for the first time in a few months I actually feel good about what I have done. Done today.

Many of you probably do not know, but I was seeing someone for a while. We met a while ag online (I won't reveal where LOL) but we really hit it off. We chatted for a while and talked and really got to know each other for quite some time. Then I found out he had a girlfriend. Needless to sya I wanted to let go but could not. For a variety of reasons. I know it was stupid, but it is what it is. We started to talk again and it was like nothing ever changed. Needless to say she knew we were still talking and it never stopped. I will not go into all of the details, but my heart was absolutely broke when I did not hear from him for two weeks. And once again just when I started to get over it, he contacts me again. By msngr at first and I asked him to please leave me alone, as I could not go back to where I was again. But later on that week I got a phone call. He was here and wanted to see me. Oh my GOD again!!!! Really. I could not do it, but I did. I saw him last week again and felt like it was one of the best nights in my life. But the next day I felt weak again. I felt like I had done something wrong again, and I knew I should not have done it.

So I have spoken to him a few times over the last couple of days, but TODAY!!! TODAY I woke up and knew that I needed it to end once and for all. So I programmed my phone once again to not receive phone calls from anyone in my phone book. And it is sooo hard because more than anything I really want to be with him. I feel like we complete each other, but I know that if he was as much in love with me as he said he was, he would do that and just be with me. That is what I told Shaketa tonight. I am sick of being number 2. It is not fair to me, and it is not fair to his girlfriend. Regardless of everything that he has told me about her and their relationship together, he is with her, and telling her that he loves her and wants to be with her, and telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me. I mean damn if he really loved me as much as he said he di, he would just move out. And he has not.

I guess I just don't understand. Like Amy Winehouse says..."What is it about Men?" I mean here you have a 37 year old man who wants to play games. I mean when is it time to just settle down? When will it not be about getting as many girls as you can? And the sad part is that I know he was talking to a few other women, so lord knows how many other people he is doing this too. So I know it is time for me to move on and just keep pursuing my dreams. I know that if it was meant to be, then it will be. They say when you give something away, if it was really yours, it will find a way to come back to you.

So onto the other man I was seeing. Mr. Brandon. Umm yeah...we will not be speaking anymore. At all. Yo I cannot believe how people are just crazy sometimes. So he decided to come over to my house the other night (the kids were all in bed, so none the wiser). He texts me to let me know that he is outside. I text him back and tell him to just come upstairs. He never does. So I finally go downstairs and he starts almost like yelling at me. "Yo don't be having me wait outside in the cold like that" I was like "I don't know who you think you are talking to, but 6'3" or not, I will try to at least bust your ass" He was telling me he did not appreciate being left outside....whatever. But then I was talking and he says to me"Oh I see I gotta teach you when to shut up" I was like WHAT!!!!! Needless to say, after that we will not be speaking anymore. I was just going to tell him that we are going in two different directions, but Keitha said, don't say shit. Just don't call him anymore. Silence is best. So that is what I am going to do, just not talk to him.

So it brings me to this point. Really what is going on??? I mean I know that I am a great woman. I said before that I am destined for something great and I just cannot seem to get it right. Men act so stupid. So here I am back to square one, and I know what I am going to do. Get rid of them all and start over. My list is going back to zero. If that means that I have to be celibate for the next five years then so be it. I am not giving it up, my heart, my mind, my punani, nothing to no one, until I know it is right. That I have found someone who will be as devoted to me as I am to him. I am so over it. If it means that I will be single forever then I will be. But I am no longer going to put up with the bullshit. I will be sticking it out this time. I am worth so much more. I do not need someone who is a liar, a cheater, a player, emotionally abusive, whatever. I am holding out!!!!!!!!

Hope