Thank God it is Friday

This week has been absolutely hectic. I get back to work with a bizillion emails. i do love to take a vacation but do not like coming back to this work. And there is alot. I probably should not even be updating my blog, but I needed a break.

I have my mickey mouse shirt on today that states "Mickey Mouse The only man for me". LOL Well he is not, but i do love mickey mouse. i am finally going to the movies tonight to see the Watchmen. Some people have given it good reviews and others have not. I cannot wait to see it and give it my own little review. My friend Donald gets tix from his job so we can go catch out the latest movies. It is also my friends 35 bday tonight, so we are going out to celebrate, i think. He is leaving tomorrow to go to the racetrack in NJ, and i keep standing him up when he wants to meet out, so I do not think i can avoid him again :)

I am still trying to catch up on some of my shows too. I just saw my favorite, Heroes! OMG OMG. I keep sametiming Adrian to ask him if he has watched it yet. He keeps telling me no and dont tell him what happened. I also have a wedding to attend tomorrow. Someone is kind of upset that he is not going with me and i am taking Blues Clues instead. LOL Blues Clues is so funny. And the funniest thing is his real name is Steve. When me and my sister saw him the first thing we thought was Steve from Blues Clues and come to find out it was his real name. We fell out. He is funny though. We are going to go to the wedding then hang out afterward at the bar that mike's friend is opeing up specifically for the wedding guests after. I will not fall asleep after one drink this time, promise :)

So my sister yesterday told me she really wants to hook me up with this DR. in her office. She gave me a million reasons as to why we would be a good couple, but i keep telling her no i am not interested. She thinks it is because he is a white guy, so i let her think that. Once again the double life comes into play :(.

OMG and Toyin called me yesterday, all upset about stuff. We actually had a great talk last night. i was open with him. I had to break it down and really explain to him that our disconnect has nothing to do with a man, but more so because I am just over it. I still love him, but I am not in love with him anymore. i waited and waited for him and I just reached the point where I could not deal with it. He told me that as soon as he is available, he will come for me. i told him dont bother, that i am so happy right now, and he would really just be setting himself up to be hurt. We are going to meet out this weekend and talk some more, and just close it all out. Once and for all.

I am so tired right now. I just want to go home and go to bed. Alright i have to send an email to my mentor in ATL. i will post a new one soon

We are back

Well we are back from our wonderful trip. i will not go into details about the trip. Well maybe some, but not all. All around it was a great trip other than having to send Nate home early. But after he left i felt like a dark cloud had been lifted from our vacation. I finally got to read a book. Something I had not done in a very long time. It was a great book by Carol Higgins Clark, the daughter of my favorite author Mary Higgins Clark. I definitely bought too much stuff. We brought back 6 damn suitcases. Our flight home was not hectic though. The flight attendants on Southwest we hilarious. We got in fairly late, so I decided to work from home today.

This vacation gave me a lot of reflection time. It was great to be away from all of the nonsense with family and men. I think i only spoke to a few people when I was down there. But now PJ is rubbing it in my face that he will be there for 2 weeks in April, during my bday no less. I told him he better mail me a card :). i was ready to come home though. i got sick of eating out. We slept in most days and that was okay because we did not have 10 people to tend to and make sure we hit all the ride everyone wanted to go on. So my new favorite ride is definitely the Rocking Rollercoaster. First off I love Aerosmith, and the ride was tremendous. Absolutely wonderful! My least favorite ride is still Its a small world. But we go on becus it is tradition.

Frank M had someone in his family that passed away while I was gone. Frank W called me today to make sure i made it home safely. It is good to know that at least some people care. LOL Back to my reflections. i had a lot of time by the pool and just wrote down things. Wrote in my journal and came up with a few things i need to start doing to make my life go a little smoother. And make sure i am emotionally stable. first things first... Family. I am going to start off by cncentrating on that. I am going to start going back to church. i know that once my life is good with GOD everything else falls into place. If that means i cut off ties with everything negative in m life then so be it. i guess that the one thing I am out there looking for I will never be able to find until I stop looking and it just happens.

Dwight called me for the first time the other day also. That was a sign. Right when i am going through the worst times in my life he calls me. We have not spoken in months and he was like an older brother. I am not sure if his girlfriend has gotten over the fact that we will always be friends and that is it, but I did miss him. Mom called him during Xmas and New Years Eve because she said things just were not right here without him.

I have also decided that i really am moving as soon as Nate graduates. I am contacting my cuzo and getting outta here and going to MD. There are so many opportunities down there and I jst have no desires to be here much longer. I need to make a change in my life and getting out of here may be just the change I need. Start anew.

Well that is all for now. Donald we are definitely going to see Wathcmen on Friday. I cannot wait. Sorry we missed opening night. i kept telling you to just fly ddown and watch it in FL with me :). Gotta get back to work and catch up on some personal and school things. Much love.

It is Wednesday in Disney

Hey Everyone. We have been here for two days now and I am already exhausted. Nathanael decided, after some bribing by my dad, the he would come with us. He gave us a hard time the entire way here and had finally opened himself up to the wonderful world of Disney. I love it here, but it would be good if there were more people with us. I sat on the bench today thinking of you and how wonderful it would be to bring all of the boys down here. Let the older ones just run off and do what they want while we brought the youngins around to the shows and other crazy rides.

we got on Space Mountain today and I kept yelling back to Nate to check on Man Man. Man Man was so scared he couldnt even answer back. This week was awful, but something good happened today. So when we went on the Lilo and Stitch ride, I lost my camera. My 10 megapixel camera. Yeah ot was not cheap. I was walking around thinking to myself, "What the hell did I do to deserve this shit that I am going through?" I went back to the ride and it was not there. I went to Lost and Found and it wasn't there. my mom said, you know what if it is gone, there is nothing you cand o so you might as well just take the loss and don't let it ruin the vacation. After we went to Thunder Mountain, I went back to Lost and Found and THEY HAD MY CAMERA!!!!!. I was so excited. Everyone was laughing at me because I was so excited and screaming.

Nate has been okay. He still gets antsy but we got a pass that lets us on the ride in about 5 mintues. So we have no line no waiting. Just get right on. It has worked out fairly well for us. Tomorrow we will go to MGM and I will be all High School Musicaled Out!. That is where they do the show at. I am so excited. I will upload my pics tonight to Myspace along with my Video. I cannot wait to get up tomorrow, but for now i must write my paper. I will update again on Friday. Have a good time guys back in your 10 degree weather. Although it is not much warmer down here, it is definitely higher than that!!!.

i am so

depressed right now. i am so sad, i feel so bleak. I am so unsure of what is the next step to take for me. I want to go back to last night and tell you to just come home. you said if i told you you would come, but i wanted you to make that decision for yourself. I wanted you to want to come with me. And i believe it was not that you did not want to, you knew in the end the result would still be the same. i want to go back and relive all of our moments together. i am so depressed right now. Walking around in a daze, like the world is dark and i wonder if you are feeling the same way i am. We agreed to not contact each other, but I can't do that. i was so strong last time and did not contact you. i even tried to move on. I want to be strong like before, but i cant. I want to know that this is temporary and that all will go the way we want it. I have lost you, my best friend. i have never opened up to someone as i have you, and now i feel lost and lonely, in this big place. No one understands my pain. No one can understand the darkness I see in my life right now. I have no desires to be here any longer. I have no desires at all. No desires to get out of my bed, no deisres to go on vacation, no desires to even talk to anyone. i worked from home today and really just slept. I keep thinking that you will just show up here at my door, but I know fantasy never happens as you said. Maybe you were right. We are just doomed to be unhappy. i feel so powerless here. knowing that you are living a lie and that you made that decision to live the lie.

Such a loss

I do not even know what to write today. You got your man and I am leaving him alone For good. i thought that this would be harder and I am sure that as the days go by it will be hard but today I am okay. Probably more because I knew this was going to happen. Not so soon but it would happen. I will not blog about it anymore because it will just cause more heartache. It is hard when you know that 2 people are perfect for each other, but everything keeps us apart. Again you said no one can keep us apart but us...and now we know that we need to do just that. I cannot keep living my life in hiding when i want to tell the world how much I love you and you want to tell the world the same. But unfortunately you are not courageuos enough to do what it is that you want and need to do. If you want to walk around and live your life in this state of doom as you call it forever then so be it. I cant and wont. I know that GOD has plans for my life and that even if it is just being happy with myself, then that is what it will be. I will take this time to reflect on what I can do to be a better person. What i can bring to the table for the person i was meant to be with. i always knew that person was you, but you do not believe as strongly as I do. You told me I was the best thing that has ever happened to you, but you still choose to throw it away. How many people find a pearl and throw it back into the ocean.

I hope that you are happy with this decision. In the meantime...so i never forget the love i have for you and you will not forget...i want to remind you of the few great moments we shared. Some were a first for the both of us. Others were repeats made better by us. I love you, I know I always have, and i know I always will. Goodbye.

I realized i knew I would love you when we both realized our obsession with Qtips

I was ebullient that you also hated seafood.

The first time we met and all i could do was give you a hug because i did not know how to react

We walked along the park and it rained ever so slightly making the night the perfect romance movie

When you decided to come visit and I told you Christmas came early

The first time you called me after 2 weeks and i knew from the moment I heard your voice that we would be alright.

I did not have a scraper for my car and you used your card instead

When I realized that partying with you was probably the best thing next to sliced bread.

Playing guitar hero for the first time and you swore I was cheating somehow

You and man man sitting in friendlys singing rock songs and you telling him that next time you should collect money for the concert.

All of the arguments when in the end it did not matter because we would just make up.

The many times you told me that no matter how i see myself, i was a beautiful person inside and out, and as long as you saw me that way, i was okay.

Making you listen to high School musical in the car insisting that eventually you will like it.

Taking man man into your job and him thinking that you were the coolest person ever. He asks about you everyday...how am I supposed to tell him.

Waking up in the morning knowing it was time to leave but just laying there because we were so comfortable.

The old school music....the old school music

I Love you. i am giving you up, as they say, and if you belong to me, you will be back.