i am so

depressed right now. i am so sad, i feel so bleak. I am so unsure of what is the next step to take for me. I want to go back to last night and tell you to just come home. you said if i told you you would come, but i wanted you to make that decision for yourself. I wanted you to want to come with me. And i believe it was not that you did not want to, you knew in the end the result would still be the same. i want to go back and relive all of our moments together. i am so depressed right now. Walking around in a daze, like the world is dark and i wonder if you are feeling the same way i am. We agreed to not contact each other, but I can't do that. i was so strong last time and did not contact you. i even tried to move on. I want to be strong like before, but i cant. I want to know that this is temporary and that all will go the way we want it. I have lost you, my best friend. i have never opened up to someone as i have you, and now i feel lost and lonely, in this big place. No one understands my pain. No one can understand the darkness I see in my life right now. I have no desires to be here any longer. I have no desires at all. No desires to get out of my bed, no deisres to go on vacation, no desires to even talk to anyone. i worked from home today and really just slept. I keep thinking that you will just show up here at my door, but I know fantasy never happens as you said. Maybe you were right. We are just doomed to be unhappy. i feel so powerless here. knowing that you are living a lie and that you made that decision to live the lie.