I want to

i want to wake up with you near me
i want to turn over to your smile
i want to feel you hold me
i want to have you within my reach
i want to get ready in the morning
i want to come home to your face
i want to take care of you
i want to ease your pains and hurts
i want to let you know we will make it
i want to show you how much i care
i want to spend every moment with you
i want to feel this way forever
i want to argue
i want to fight
i want to makeup afterwards
i want to kiss you
i want to hug you
i want to put your hand in mine
i want to run off that cliff
i want to know we are going to fly
i want to know everything about you
i want to love you without fear
i want to have you love me the same
i want to do this right
i want to pull you closer
i want to lie down night
i want to talk to you in my sleep
i want to have you there in my dreams
i want to have you there when i wake
i want to take you out
i want to show us to the world
i want to make this work
i want to have everything for us
But in the end
i just want to love you
unconditionally
unapologetically
unabrasively
for always.
Soon I will

now i am wondering

I received a phone call last night from an ex. This is how the conversation goes:

Me: Hey you called me. I am just returning your call

Him: Yes i have been calling you for 4 days, why havent you returned my call?

Me: I have been busy and you cant expect me to jump through hoops to call you back when you want me to.

Him: Ok i am sorry. I really need to talk to you about something important

Me: Ok Whats up, can you make it quick. It is 11:30 at night and I am really tired.

Him: Ok. i really do not know how to say this without offending you (I am worrying now)But i have a really huge favor I need you to do for me.

Me: Ok, what is it?

Him: I dont know how to say it, so i will just come out and say it. i have been seeing someone and she is a great person. But i just dont get those feelings with her.

Me: What feelings?

Him: Well you know those feelings I get when i see you. That instant well you know.

Me: No, what?

Him: Well like i am ready at a moments notice. It has been bothering me for quite some time now. I really need your help.

Me: Ok, what do you need?

Him: Well it has been a very long time, and i really need some help. Can you help me?

WTF, I think I sat on the phone and was silent for what felt like hours. I did not know if I should be in shock, but I was.

Me: Ummmm I do not think that is possible. I have tried to end it amicably with you but I think that now is the time to end it completely. I love you...but you have now crossed the line. Goodbye


I guess I broke someone's heart and mine has now gotten broken in turn.

Things I would like to say to people

but do not have the balls to do so:

*******: When exactly were you going to tell me you had a child that you did not think was yours, but are still responsible for? I had to find out on my own and that is why we never worked out an never will work out.

*******: why is it that you claimed to love me so much but you never once decided to come forth and tell me that you had another chick pregnant while you were trying to talk to me, plus you already had girlfriend. I am glad that we never went on to bigger things than where we left off at.

*******: You are just a liar. Consistently told me one thing and the entire time you were trying to marry and have kids with someone else. Do you ask everyone to marry you? better yet do you ask everyone to have your children

*******: At least you were honest about some things, but it does not excuse your trip around the world for some ass while trying to tell me your uncle was locked up. LOL i knew that was false from the get go

*******: I wonder sometimes if you really beleive everything that comes out of your mouth? You were the one person i trusted the most and from the start it was false. Every and anything you said to me was false. Your feelings, your life, your children, your mom, your relationships. You even lied to me about what times you got in at night. Like I would have really cared. But based on that alone i know you were up to no good. i just wish i would hae know before I got too involved.

Why am I venting. Because i am so sick of the dudes i left behind constantly calling me and asking me to give them another chance. They see me know, what i look like, where i am at, how i am, and they realize what it is they missed out on. they realized that if they would have just been upfront with me from the beginning things might not have turned out so badly. ****** - you were my first love. My all. i would have went against the world for you and did on plenty of ocassions. i was willing to take you with me no matter where i went. All of that went out of the window after 4 years of emotional abuse that eventually got physical. You do not know how much my heart yearned for you even after that. Which is why i saw you over and over again. But you are also the reason i will never ever waste my time again. Funny thing was after all we had been through we still decided to remain cordial up until last week. i would accept your calls we would talk most time i would blow you off, but we still had a conversation. After all of that you continue to lie and lie and lie. I told you i loved you, i will always love you, there is not a adoubt in my mind about that. i told you that you were my firs true love. And no matter what goes on in my life from here on out and what goes on in your life from here on out, no one will ever ever take that from you. No one can ever say that they were my first love except you. Why could you not just accept that and move on. instead you had to push and push and push. Although i love you, there are other feeling i have for you. There are times when i despise you. I despise you for making me feel worthless and allowing itto be that way until i finally reclaimed my life back. i hated you for making me lose my child when i was 4 months pregnant. I felt sorry for ou because you are 34 now and will always have the menatlity of a 16 year old. But now i thank you. I thank you for our wonderful conversation last week. I realized that I am glad I did not do all of those things for you. i am glad we seperated, i am glad you did not follow, and i am glad we did not have a child. My life would have been hell on earth if we would have stayed together. there are so many things you know about me that no one else in this world will ever ever know, keep thse and cherish them, because those are the only memories you will ever have. As i told you, do not ever call me. if you see me act as if you never knew me, do not once let my name breathe from your lips. You should be grateful that I allowed you to experience the essence of Hope.

To my dear married friend: i actually had to finally sit down with you and really give you an explanation as to why it is you cannot just show up to my house whenever you feel like it. You are one of only two people in my past that I can say i will love forever. Does that mean i am in love with you. not at all. You know the amount of emotional turmoil i went through with this relationship. While I definitely had some of the best experiences of my life with you, i knew i could not wait 4 years for you to leave. You told me that I am the only other person you would ever marry and that if after 4 years i am still available, you will come for me. I am not sure where i will be in 4 years but hopefully I will already be married and have moved on. I wish you the best in trying to find your happiness and we will always be great friends, but nothing more than that.

Now that i am thinking about it, to the one my heart belongs to now, i have been nothing but straight up with you about everything and anything. You ask me a question I answer without even thinking. You betrayed me once and i forgave and moved on. If there is anything else you feel the need to come forward on, please do now.

Okay, can you tell i am a bit frustrated here

Hmmmm

How do I go about about describing the way I feel right now. I am not really sure. All I can say is that I am scared and not having the best of days. I have come to realize that no matter what it is I really want I will not get it. It is all just a game. A game that GOD plays with all of us. I wonder sometimes if this is his way laughing from up in Heaven while he is watching us make fools of ourselves.

Although I have so many great things in my life, I realized this weekend how many more great things I could have if I just did what it was I wanted to do. Not think about them and just do them. No questions asked. I realized exactly how much power it is I have....power over me and power over so many others. I do not know what to do with it. Some days I quiver with the knowledge I have and know that it controls so much of my life. I was told recently that I could make someone change religons, that I could make a muslim eat pork, or turn an atheist into a God fearing man. That I could have them waiting at my door. I wonder if that is how I am really perceived. I mean the funny thing is I receive so much attention but not from the people I ever want it to be from.

I wonder what is my next step in life. Where do I go from here. I know I need to make my move soon. By move I do not mean actually moving, I just mean make the next move in my life, whether it be alone or with someone. I am 32 now, and not that it makes much of a difference from when I was 31, but I do not want to live like tis forever. I want to make sure I take the right steps and I take them carefully. In the end it is all a way for me to be happy. I have realized who my friends are, who will stick by me no matter what, who will always be there, and unfortunately who will never be there.

I wonder when is it time to grow up and just do the things I was meant to do. Accomplish the things I am supposed to accomplish. I have been thinking lately that maybe it is time for me to leave. To just start over and allow things to happen the way they were supposed to. Stop living this fantasy life I am living and get back to the real world. The one I understand. The one where it is me against the world. Conquering my demons, my enemies, and even loved ones. Not allowing the bad sides of my emotions overtake the best that I have to offer. And i have so much to offer. I am beautiful, smart, a wonderful parent, successful, persevering, but most importantly the best part of being me is that I am me! My name is Hope and I want that to shine through in everything I do. Does that mean I need to accomplish everything I set out to do. Why of course. My good friend Zak told me the other day, my name means (in his words) realizing that everything you have ever dreamed of is standing right before you and all you have to do is reach out and touch. Think of that, all you have to do is reach out and touch and everything is there.

So what do I dream of. I guess that is the hard part. I dream of happiness, love, excitement, family, but most of all peace. Peace within myself. I want to be sure I am content with my life. I want to know that my goals are not my goals to prove something but more so because it is what I really want.

I cannot wait for school to be over. I feel like once I have that freedom anything will be possible. Should I stay or should I go. It really is the only thing that keeps me here in the Northeast thus far. I dream of one day waking up in a foreign country and stepping outside to see a different landscape, to hear a different language, to taste a different food, to walk a different mile. I think it all goes back to being scared. I still feel like the child my father kept under his wing when I was 4. I want to get out and be that independent woman, but am so unsure of myself. So unsure and scared of what the future holds for me and for my boys. I want to be a success for them and not let them see and go through all of the things it is that I went through.

I know I am not happy where I am right now. And I know I will never be happy as long as I keep telling myself that as long as I perservere it will be okay. I know I will never be happy if I keep thinking for one moment that if I sit back and do nothing it will all be okay. I know I will not be happy if I allow myself to think tht my destiny is already laid out before me. It is up to me to lay out my destiny. It is up to me to make my own decisions, from my head, not my heart. It is up to me to live my life for me and my family and no one else. It is up to me to build up the strength it is I need to get myself going. All of the falacies, all of the lies, all of this other bullshit needs to go out the window. It is time for me to create my own life from here. It will hurt but I know I will get over it.

I have learned so much from so many people over the past year. I learned that it is okay to give up everything for that one thing you want, but only if it is worth it. I learned to go after whatever dream it is you have. I have learned what it is like to overcome everything when you feel the world is against you. I am trying to learn to move on when the ones you truly love, betray you over and over again. I have learned that in the face of adversity, you do the best work. I have learned that love sometimes will not conquer all, as much as you would like it to. I have learned that as much as you want something, it may just not be the right time or place for you to have it. And I have learned that I am tired. I am tired of trying to please everyone but the most important person in my life, me. I will no longer hide the person I truly am. The person I need to become with or without the people I think are important. I need to weed out the grass and start planting new seeds in my life. There are so many opportunities for me, and it is about time I take them. I have been hiding for so long with the fear that I may lose some of the people that are important in my life. If I was truly as important to them as they are to me, then I would not even question that sacrifice.

I guess it is time to just do it and stop talking about it. From this day forward I will work on reaching out and accomplishing those dreams. The dreams I have for happiness, love, a family, and most importantly peace. Why??? Because i have finally realized that after all of this time...I truly deserve it.