Hmmmm

How do I go about about describing the way I feel right now. I am not really sure. All I can say is that I am scared and not having the best of days. I have come to realize that no matter what it is I really want I will not get it. It is all just a game. A game that GOD plays with all of us. I wonder sometimes if this is his way laughing from up in Heaven while he is watching us make fools of ourselves.

Although I have so many great things in my life, I realized this weekend how many more great things I could have if I just did what it was I wanted to do. Not think about them and just do them. No questions asked. I realized exactly how much power it is I have....power over me and power over so many others. I do not know what to do with it. Some days I quiver with the knowledge I have and know that it controls so much of my life. I was told recently that I could make someone change religons, that I could make a muslim eat pork, or turn an atheist into a God fearing man. That I could have them waiting at my door. I wonder if that is how I am really perceived. I mean the funny thing is I receive so much attention but not from the people I ever want it to be from.

I wonder what is my next step in life. Where do I go from here. I know I need to make my move soon. By move I do not mean actually moving, I just mean make the next move in my life, whether it be alone or with someone. I am 32 now, and not that it makes much of a difference from when I was 31, but I do not want to live like tis forever. I want to make sure I take the right steps and I take them carefully. In the end it is all a way for me to be happy. I have realized who my friends are, who will stick by me no matter what, who will always be there, and unfortunately who will never be there.

I wonder when is it time to grow up and just do the things I was meant to do. Accomplish the things I am supposed to accomplish. I have been thinking lately that maybe it is time for me to leave. To just start over and allow things to happen the way they were supposed to. Stop living this fantasy life I am living and get back to the real world. The one I understand. The one where it is me against the world. Conquering my demons, my enemies, and even loved ones. Not allowing the bad sides of my emotions overtake the best that I have to offer. And i have so much to offer. I am beautiful, smart, a wonderful parent, successful, persevering, but most importantly the best part of being me is that I am me! My name is Hope and I want that to shine through in everything I do. Does that mean I need to accomplish everything I set out to do. Why of course. My good friend Zak told me the other day, my name means (in his words) realizing that everything you have ever dreamed of is standing right before you and all you have to do is reach out and touch. Think of that, all you have to do is reach out and touch and everything is there.

So what do I dream of. I guess that is the hard part. I dream of happiness, love, excitement, family, but most of all peace. Peace within myself. I want to be sure I am content with my life. I want to know that my goals are not my goals to prove something but more so because it is what I really want.

I cannot wait for school to be over. I feel like once I have that freedom anything will be possible. Should I stay or should I go. It really is the only thing that keeps me here in the Northeast thus far. I dream of one day waking up in a foreign country and stepping outside to see a different landscape, to hear a different language, to taste a different food, to walk a different mile. I think it all goes back to being scared. I still feel like the child my father kept under his wing when I was 4. I want to get out and be that independent woman, but am so unsure of myself. So unsure and scared of what the future holds for me and for my boys. I want to be a success for them and not let them see and go through all of the things it is that I went through.

I know I am not happy where I am right now. And I know I will never be happy as long as I keep telling myself that as long as I perservere it will be okay. I know I will never be happy if I keep thinking for one moment that if I sit back and do nothing it will all be okay. I know I will not be happy if I allow myself to think tht my destiny is already laid out before me. It is up to me to lay out my destiny. It is up to me to make my own decisions, from my head, not my heart. It is up to me to live my life for me and my family and no one else. It is up to me to build up the strength it is I need to get myself going. All of the falacies, all of the lies, all of this other bullshit needs to go out the window. It is time for me to create my own life from here. It will hurt but I know I will get over it.

I have learned so much from so many people over the past year. I learned that it is okay to give up everything for that one thing you want, but only if it is worth it. I learned to go after whatever dream it is you have. I have learned what it is like to overcome everything when you feel the world is against you. I am trying to learn to move on when the ones you truly love, betray you over and over again. I have learned that in the face of adversity, you do the best work. I have learned that love sometimes will not conquer all, as much as you would like it to. I have learned that as much as you want something, it may just not be the right time or place for you to have it. And I have learned that I am tired. I am tired of trying to please everyone but the most important person in my life, me. I will no longer hide the person I truly am. The person I need to become with or without the people I think are important. I need to weed out the grass and start planting new seeds in my life. There are so many opportunities for me, and it is about time I take them. I have been hiding for so long with the fear that I may lose some of the people that are important in my life. If I was truly as important to them as they are to me, then I would not even question that sacrifice.

I guess it is time to just do it and stop talking about it. From this day forward I will work on reaching out and accomplishing those dreams. The dreams I have for happiness, love, a family, and most importantly peace. Why??? Because i have finally realized that after all of this time...I truly deserve it.