So I went to the dentist FINALLY yesterday after much urging from friends and family. They said I need a very deep fill or a root canal. I have not been to the dentist in a while. She said i have extremely good dental hygeine but I need to make sure I go to the dentist. LOL I am so lazy when it comes to that stuff. So I go in for my root canal on Tuesday. I am so not looking forward to it. I started taking antibiotics until then and she gave me Loritab to take to help ease the pain. Problem is it really knocks me out.So I am working from home for the rest of the week and hopefully I will feel better. I also went to the Dr. about the big spot on my back and they said if I do not have it removed soon, it could become cancerous. I am like WTF? How the heck did this happen? How did I even get it? I am nervous. i have had it this long and so far it has not turned cancerous. Maybe I will just wait and see what happens. She said it would be very painful and they will probably have to do skin grafts after it is removed. Goodness this is hectic. Only me.
Well I finally got my blackberry and absolutely love it. Donald convinced me to get it and I got a cute pink one. Although I am still trying to figure out how to work it. The keys are so freaking small so i am still having a hard time trying to type on it. I love the call blocker. So I did not have to change my number I just blocked the stalker from calling my phone. He is freaking crazy. Told him i needed a few months by myself and he still calls me fifty times a day. LOL not anymore. OMG and I just went into my recent calls and I can actually block numbers from there. I love this program. This call blocker is awesome too because you can block whole numbers or just area codes. If anyone needs it email me and I will send it to you. I just randomly go through the applications to add them. I never ever have to visit the real facebook again :) or my yahoo mail or messenger. I started to delete my regualr main and just use my bb email but it would be too much of a hassle to send around to everyone a new email address.
On the show on Tuesday we came up with a bunch of new websites. Ahh I am actually going to switch and begin doing the show on Tuesdays. Way more ppl showed up and wanted me to do it on Tuesdays. We had a very good crowd in there. Close to 200 viewers in one night. It was awesome. We started to talk about what new sites we could start and all I have to say is my viewers are awesome. They are so funny and I hope a comedian never stops in my room to take the jokes from my ppl. The African husband called in on Tuesday. LMAO the funny thing was that the real African showed up also. I was dying. He said he was calling from his one time use parakeet. He had to sell many goats to try to get me home to Africa.
And one of the other things we talked about was the whole six degrees of separation. Everyone knows that my fantasy is Nas. Obsessed is more the word. So we were trying to figure out who knows who. It is funny how many people are out there that know people. Flajigga is cousins with Kobe. LOL so he is going to call Kobe and see if Kobe knows Nas so I can meet him. Now I am not a fan of Kobe and really could care less about him. I just want to know if he know my man. LMAO At first i did not believe him, but when we spoke last night, I beleive him. We are trying to get a partnership together for the toy business. Someone else has a freind that know Russell. That may work a little better for me :) Either way next week I am doing a segment on the reasons I need to meet Nas post it on youtube and hopefully he will see it. LOL
Well I am getting back to work. My tooth is feeling better. I may just go in today. Nah I have laundry to do.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
i am
Not updating this blog any longer. Today is not going to be a good day. The sad part is that I still don't even know what it is - did wrong and - guess I will never know I am taking a break from the internet well with the exception of facebook for a while. Life goes on I just wish I was not always left in the dark like thism but everytime you do this to me I am left in the darkm this time you kept us apartm I still love u with all that I am but an bow dropping off the face of the earth so I don't have to think about itm I hope u enjoy your life with herm I truly wish you all of your happiness and that everything woks out the way u plan. I am out. For good.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A Few things
i need to blog about today.
Stalker:
I dont even know where to begin with the updates about the stalker. I went to bed very early last night and received 6 phone calls from the stalker. I am kind of unsure as to what to do. I literally did not think people could really become so obsessed so quickly. The crazy thing is we went to high school together and I do not think he was like this before. I really just thought "Oh we could reconnect and whatever" but I guess that was not the case. I am truly contemplating changing my number so he cannot call any longer. problem is that I have had this number for about 5 years now and it really annoys me that one person would make me change my number like that. It is frustrating. From here on out no one gets my number. At All. I am taking a FN break from men period. If I need to quench my thirst, I will do so with good ole faithful. But not for a few months at least. I went celibate for a while once, and you know what I want to see if I can do it again. I dont even have any desires to be with someone at this point. Too much drama.
Supreme Court pick:
Well Obama has made his choice for Supremem Court. Apparently Twitter is buzzing over this pick. the first article I read this morning was the one on Fox News. Most articles were the same. It is the comments I enjoy reading on Fox News. People are so hmmmm Raw! Bet that we will be talking about this on tonights show. Yes I am doing one tonight, because yesterday was memorial day and we dont usually get a lot of viewers on Holidays. This will be a good one. Have so much to talk about. i am actually excited about Obama's pick. MSNBC is stating that she has the most experience of any appointee in the past 70 years. It is quite exciting to see how this unfolds.
Today;
I am making an action plan for myself. a Life action plan. i spoke with Tash who always brings clarity to the picture. i told her I wish that we could always just believe the things we say. OMG the stalker is now leaving depressing messages on my voicemail. Anyway...She really wants me to move down there, I keep telling her I can't.It is way to far from my family. We talked about life and where we thought we would be at this point in my life. i never thought I would still be playing catch up...that is for sure. But all in all i have done pretty well for myself, and that is something to be proud of. So I am going to start setting goals for myself. Sometimes i wish I would have just went to law school instead of doing my MBA. I am however going to start looking for part time law schools and see what i can work with. Man man asked about D yesterday and i am trying to figure out a way to tell him that he will not see him any longer. i have learned that now that NO ONE will ever meet my kids again until I am absolutely sure that it is time. All day it was all he talked about about and I just did not have the heart to say anything. Steve kept giving me this look like "Told you so"
Mentioning Steve:
I think he is really going to marry this girl. I mean I am glad he has found happiness, but I dont want him to do it for the wrong reasons. I mean marriage is HUGE, but maybe not as much so in his book, but dammit i just dont understand how he can really narry someone so she can stay in the country. i had an offer like that one time and flatly refused. And mostly because i will get married once and that is it. No turning back. But the more I think about it the more I think i may not even want to get married. After this whole thing has happened, i realized that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you back, and even marriages dont last. As much as we would like them to, they just dont. The other thing is that based on that decision i think I am going to go get my FN tubes tied. I thought that maybe I wouldnt because you never know who you might meet, but after what happened this month, it is just not worth the risk of having kids and then finding out that you might have been a single parent Again. I dont want to have that type of committment to someone.
Well i need to finish the research on this judge for my show. And get back to work. I am actually excited about it tonight because we have so much to talk about. Tash, thanks for the peptalk this weekend, you are always there for me. Told you i would give you a dang shout out!
Stalker:
I dont even know where to begin with the updates about the stalker. I went to bed very early last night and received 6 phone calls from the stalker. I am kind of unsure as to what to do. I literally did not think people could really become so obsessed so quickly. The crazy thing is we went to high school together and I do not think he was like this before. I really just thought "Oh we could reconnect and whatever" but I guess that was not the case. I am truly contemplating changing my number so he cannot call any longer. problem is that I have had this number for about 5 years now and it really annoys me that one person would make me change my number like that. It is frustrating. From here on out no one gets my number. At All. I am taking a FN break from men period. If I need to quench my thirst, I will do so with good ole faithful. But not for a few months at least. I went celibate for a while once, and you know what I want to see if I can do it again. I dont even have any desires to be with someone at this point. Too much drama.
Supreme Court pick:
Well Obama has made his choice for Supremem Court. Apparently Twitter is buzzing over this pick. the first article I read this morning was the one on Fox News. Most articles were the same. It is the comments I enjoy reading on Fox News. People are so hmmmm Raw! Bet that we will be talking about this on tonights show. Yes I am doing one tonight, because yesterday was memorial day and we dont usually get a lot of viewers on Holidays. This will be a good one. Have so much to talk about. i am actually excited about Obama's pick. MSNBC is stating that she has the most experience of any appointee in the past 70 years. It is quite exciting to see how this unfolds.
Today;
I am making an action plan for myself. a Life action plan. i spoke with Tash who always brings clarity to the picture. i told her I wish that we could always just believe the things we say. OMG the stalker is now leaving depressing messages on my voicemail. Anyway...She really wants me to move down there, I keep telling her I can't.It is way to far from my family. We talked about life and where we thought we would be at this point in my life. i never thought I would still be playing catch up...that is for sure. But all in all i have done pretty well for myself, and that is something to be proud of. So I am going to start setting goals for myself. Sometimes i wish I would have just went to law school instead of doing my MBA. I am however going to start looking for part time law schools and see what i can work with. Man man asked about D yesterday and i am trying to figure out a way to tell him that he will not see him any longer. i have learned that now that NO ONE will ever meet my kids again until I am absolutely sure that it is time. All day it was all he talked about about and I just did not have the heart to say anything. Steve kept giving me this look like "Told you so"
Mentioning Steve:
I think he is really going to marry this girl. I mean I am glad he has found happiness, but I dont want him to do it for the wrong reasons. I mean marriage is HUGE, but maybe not as much so in his book, but dammit i just dont understand how he can really narry someone so she can stay in the country. i had an offer like that one time and flatly refused. And mostly because i will get married once and that is it. No turning back. But the more I think about it the more I think i may not even want to get married. After this whole thing has happened, i realized that no matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you back, and even marriages dont last. As much as we would like them to, they just dont. The other thing is that based on that decision i think I am going to go get my FN tubes tied. I thought that maybe I wouldnt because you never know who you might meet, but after what happened this month, it is just not worth the risk of having kids and then finding out that you might have been a single parent Again. I dont want to have that type of committment to someone.
Well i need to finish the research on this judge for my show. And get back to work. I am actually excited about it tonight because we have so much to talk about. Tash, thanks for the peptalk this weekend, you are always there for me. Told you i would give you a dang shout out!
Monday, May 25, 2009
This Weekend
i dont even know where to start. This weekend has been quite hectic. So where do i start? Well Lets start off with Friday
Friday: Went to work and my tooth was killing me. I ended up staying a lot later than expected due to some crazy issue that came up. When i finally went home I just laid down a bit. I knew we were going to the Grown and Sexy but did not really want to. Heather came with me though and she is soo much fun. we ended up leaving the Grown and sexy to head to Rafferty's which was not that packed. But the drinks were cheaper. So the girls and Steve got pretty drunk. We met a cowboy...A real life cowboy who want to take me somewhere to ride a mechanical bull. Hmmm sounds like fun. Anywho..the cowboy told me how beautiful I was all night, then he realized I was about 7 years older than he:) It always changes things. LOL
Saturday: i cannot even remember Saturday honestly. I woke up late and the stalker called me a bizillion times. Oh wait. I did go to a picnic which was a lot of fun. At this point I did not realize the stalker was a stalker yet and he invited me to a picnic with some old high school friends. Ummm yeah there were not a lot of high school friends. Just family. and he was introducing me to them. I felt awkward and left. He called me about 50 times that night. That was when i started to think this was creepy.
Sunday: Put up the damn shed! Steve got kinda mad and left so me my mom and 2 sisters did it all by ourselves. It was like putting up a house. i went to bed about 9PM woke up and im'd you know who because I have not spoken to him in days. I got the funny feeling maybe something else was going on and that was when i got the bootback from the email and began calling him. i realized at about 2:00 that he just really did not want to see me anymore and once again did not even have the balls to tell me.i am not going to even bother anymore. Told him I give up, he wins. I will mail his stuff back to him. And you know what I am actually not even go to do that. i will just donate them to the Goodwill store. He did not have enough courtesy to call me I dont have enough courtesy to send his stuff home. Called Steve, woke him up, cried my eyes out for a while, he listened. Called PJ who continually tells me I need to realize what I am worth then finally cried myself to sleep.
Monday: Memorial Day. I woke up very late today and went to help steve put the finishing touches on the shed. Cried a bit and have just been randomly crying all day. but Facebook alwyas makes me laugh. The stalker texted me at 6 in the morning and I finally told him he needs to back off. I really do not want to deal right now.everyone is here for the cookout. We finally got the pool up. If it was hot enough i would go swimming, but I wont. I am upstairs cleaning instead of hanging out with friends so I can just wallow in my own misery. I need to get over this. I wish it were easy but it never is. It seems like everytime I go through this with him it just gets harder and harder. But you know what at this point, if he could not just admit me into his world then so be it. We needed a break and I guess this was what he ultimately wanted. I knew it would be difficult to leave the old world behind and start anew and of he did not want to all I deserved was a call. But once again not even that. the third time is a charm. I am so glad I did what I did 3 weeks ago. Here I would be going through shit again by myself. But I guess everything happens for a reason.
In the meantime, I will not be updatting for a while. I need to take a break from it all. Blogging I mean. I am going to really start writing things in my journal and capture my thoughts there. Private thoughts. And the damn stalker wont stop calling me. DAMMIT!!! I have a lot of stuff to do to get ready for the upcoming year. finisgh my thesis and start studying for my Lastas. Look into the whole work from home thing so i can attempt to go to Law School and still work. Now I need to try to find a part time Law school. This will be hard. The funny thing is when i feel like I am down it just pushes me harder to do the things I really want to.
I am depressed now, and need to sign off. Peace ppl!
Friday: Went to work and my tooth was killing me. I ended up staying a lot later than expected due to some crazy issue that came up. When i finally went home I just laid down a bit. I knew we were going to the Grown and Sexy but did not really want to. Heather came with me though and she is soo much fun. we ended up leaving the Grown and sexy to head to Rafferty's which was not that packed. But the drinks were cheaper. So the girls and Steve got pretty drunk. We met a cowboy...A real life cowboy who want to take me somewhere to ride a mechanical bull. Hmmm sounds like fun. Anywho..the cowboy told me how beautiful I was all night, then he realized I was about 7 years older than he:) It always changes things. LOL
Saturday: i cannot even remember Saturday honestly. I woke up late and the stalker called me a bizillion times. Oh wait. I did go to a picnic which was a lot of fun. At this point I did not realize the stalker was a stalker yet and he invited me to a picnic with some old high school friends. Ummm yeah there were not a lot of high school friends. Just family. and he was introducing me to them. I felt awkward and left. He called me about 50 times that night. That was when i started to think this was creepy.
Sunday: Put up the damn shed! Steve got kinda mad and left so me my mom and 2 sisters did it all by ourselves. It was like putting up a house. i went to bed about 9PM woke up and im'd you know who because I have not spoken to him in days. I got the funny feeling maybe something else was going on and that was when i got the bootback from the email and began calling him. i realized at about 2:00 that he just really did not want to see me anymore and once again did not even have the balls to tell me.i am not going to even bother anymore. Told him I give up, he wins. I will mail his stuff back to him. And you know what I am actually not even go to do that. i will just donate them to the Goodwill store. He did not have enough courtesy to call me I dont have enough courtesy to send his stuff home. Called Steve, woke him up, cried my eyes out for a while, he listened. Called PJ who continually tells me I need to realize what I am worth then finally cried myself to sleep.
Monday: Memorial Day. I woke up very late today and went to help steve put the finishing touches on the shed. Cried a bit and have just been randomly crying all day. but Facebook alwyas makes me laugh. The stalker texted me at 6 in the morning and I finally told him he needs to back off. I really do not want to deal right now.everyone is here for the cookout. We finally got the pool up. If it was hot enough i would go swimming, but I wont. I am upstairs cleaning instead of hanging out with friends so I can just wallow in my own misery. I need to get over this. I wish it were easy but it never is. It seems like everytime I go through this with him it just gets harder and harder. But you know what at this point, if he could not just admit me into his world then so be it. We needed a break and I guess this was what he ultimately wanted. I knew it would be difficult to leave the old world behind and start anew and of he did not want to all I deserved was a call. But once again not even that. the third time is a charm. I am so glad I did what I did 3 weeks ago. Here I would be going through shit again by myself. But I guess everything happens for a reason.
In the meantime, I will not be updatting for a while. I need to take a break from it all. Blogging I mean. I am going to really start writing things in my journal and capture my thoughts there. Private thoughts. And the damn stalker wont stop calling me. DAMMIT!!! I have a lot of stuff to do to get ready for the upcoming year. finisgh my thesis and start studying for my Lastas. Look into the whole work from home thing so i can attempt to go to Law School and still work. Now I need to try to find a part time Law school. This will be hard. The funny thing is when i feel like I am down it just pushes me harder to do the things I really want to.
I am depressed now, and need to sign off. Peace ppl!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Angel Inspiration
So i was watching Angel yesterday. Yes it is one of my favorite TV shows to watch in the morning...All about VAMPIRES at 6AM...and i had inspiration for a Blog from it. The episode was about this guy who was about to celebrate his one year anniversary with his girlfriend. He found out, however, that she was no longer in love with him (obviously they were never really in love to begin with ). Anyway, he created some machine that froze time. She had told her friend that she was going to have sex with him then break up with him. he knew this so he decided to turn on the machine to freeze time and they would remain together forever. It didnt work...but this was my inspiration. I began to think of moments in my life I would love to have frozen in time. Maybe it is because of the emotion I had, or the physical feeling, whatever the case may be, here are the moments i wish i could freeze, lock them in a glass case a momentarily step back into whenever I was feeling down. No Holds Barred and in no particuar order:
1. The moment I gave birth to Nathanael
2. The first time he called me mama
3. The one day he cried so much climbed out of his crib then proceeded to crawl down the hallway. he stuck his head around the corner and laughed, we laughed with him
4. The day we caught him with all of the pots and pans in front of the TV watching Emeril pretending to cook.
5. The day i saw my dad in the Memorial Day parade in his uniform. i was 3 and proud of him.
6. The time my dad surprised me and picked me up from 1st grade
7. When I graduated from high school and my grams told me that my grandpa would be so proud of me.
8. The day I had man man
9. The moment i realized that i was actually in love for the very first time in my life
10. The day we got to Disney World with Nichole and family
11. Spending a whole weekend in Disney world for high school graduation
12. the day I went to Washington park with my dad and we took pics of him flexing his muscles and me flexing mine with my yellow tube top
13. The day my son told me if he were born to someone else he would have to run away and find me because i would always be the best mommy in the world.
14. The day I walked across stage at Siena College and made my family so proud
15. The first time i went to Atlanta to see Tasha and it seemed as if it had been years
16. Partying for the first time in a foreign country
17. The day the paternity test came back for both of may children. Not because i was worried, because I wanted to laugh in his face.
18. The time Nate came home to tell me they moved him up to Varsity on the football team.
19. I found out i got into LeMoyne College on a full Scholarship
20. The day we left my stepfather
21. The first time i walked into Nichole's house and the twins called me by name
22. i found out i got a job at one of the biggest companies in the world
23. All of those times I really really thought someone or anyone really loved me
24. I got on the scale and reached my hundred pound mark.
25. The day we walked all across Troy and back again, Fiah, Tasha , Keitha and i.
26. Anytime I sit on the phone or talk to people reminiscing about old times.
27. My first kiss with Alan Davenport LOL.
28. The first time I had hmmmbreakup intimacy, ya'll know what i mean. I think that was all the time with Teeter...LOL
29. Waking up with man man in my bed snuggled up next to me
30. The day I was born.
Well that is all i can think of for now. i will add more as they come to mind. in the meantime, make sure you cherish all of those special moments in your life. As you never really know if it will be your last or if you will ever feel the way you did at that moment.
1. The moment I gave birth to Nathanael
2. The first time he called me mama
3. The one day he cried so much climbed out of his crib then proceeded to crawl down the hallway. he stuck his head around the corner and laughed, we laughed with him
4. The day we caught him with all of the pots and pans in front of the TV watching Emeril pretending to cook.
5. The day i saw my dad in the Memorial Day parade in his uniform. i was 3 and proud of him.
6. The time my dad surprised me and picked me up from 1st grade
7. When I graduated from high school and my grams told me that my grandpa would be so proud of me.
8. The day I had man man
9. The moment i realized that i was actually in love for the very first time in my life
10. The day we got to Disney World with Nichole and family
11. Spending a whole weekend in Disney world for high school graduation
12. the day I went to Washington park with my dad and we took pics of him flexing his muscles and me flexing mine with my yellow tube top
13. The day my son told me if he were born to someone else he would have to run away and find me because i would always be the best mommy in the world.
14. The day I walked across stage at Siena College and made my family so proud
15. The first time i went to Atlanta to see Tasha and it seemed as if it had been years
16. Partying for the first time in a foreign country
17. The day the paternity test came back for both of may children. Not because i was worried, because I wanted to laugh in his face.
18. The time Nate came home to tell me they moved him up to Varsity on the football team.
19. I found out i got into LeMoyne College on a full Scholarship
20. The day we left my stepfather
21. The first time i walked into Nichole's house and the twins called me by name
22. i found out i got a job at one of the biggest companies in the world
23. All of those times I really really thought someone or anyone really loved me
24. I got on the scale and reached my hundred pound mark.
25. The day we walked all across Troy and back again, Fiah, Tasha , Keitha and i.
26. Anytime I sit on the phone or talk to people reminiscing about old times.
27. My first kiss with Alan Davenport LOL.
28. The first time I had hmmmbreakup intimacy, ya'll know what i mean. I think that was all the time with Teeter...LOL
29. Waking up with man man in my bed snuggled up next to me
30. The day I was born.
Well that is all i can think of for now. i will add more as they come to mind. in the meantime, make sure you cherish all of those special moments in your life. As you never really know if it will be your last or if you will ever feel the way you did at that moment.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
??
I have a story to tell. It is a long story so please brace yourself for quite a long read.
A girl met a boy one day. They got to know each other. Very well indeed before they even met face to face. They talked about everything in life. It almost felt as though from the moment they started talking
A girl met a boy one day. They got to know each other. Very well indeed before they even met face to face. They talked about everything in life. It almost felt as though from the moment they started talking
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Graduation
I cannot believe that I actually graduate on Saturday. I am nervous and anxious at the same time. This is such an exciteing time for me and unfortunately I have not been in the best of moods. I have however ordered a LSAT book and have decided to begin studying for the exam. I figure even if I cannot go to law school for a few years I can at least take the exam and see where I end up. I feel like one door is closing and another is opening.
Tonight Keitha and I will go get mani's and pedi's and I will buy the flowers for my family. I have tomorrow off to get ready for everything on Saturday and Phil comes up Saturday. I cannot wait until we can party up here together. WooHoo.
God is good, and although we go through strains in our life I know that in the end he will catch me when I fall.
Tonight Keitha and I will go get mani's and pedi's and I will buy the flowers for my family. I have tomorrow off to get ready for everything on Saturday and Phil comes up Saturday. I cannot wait until we can party up here together. WooHoo.
God is good, and although we go through strains in our life I know that in the end he will catch me when I fall.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I Lied
I lied to you this morning. When I was not sure if there was anything wrong. God I just do not know how I could be so stupid. I wish I could just walk away. Maybe I am just not meant to be happy or maybe I have my own self destructive path. Or maybe I just do not have the energy to try to compete any longer. I am not sure exactly what it is. What i do know is that after all of this time, I do not truly believe everything it is that you tell me.
I know that I have trust issue. Rightfully so after everything it is I have been through with you. You lied to me from the beginning. I really have no reason to trust you or ever think that things will change. I pour my heart out to you every day. I wait for your call, IM or just to see you. Our moments together, like last night, are some of the best moments in my life. So passionate, so intense, and so real. But then my doubt sets in. What am I doing? How many other people feel this way about you? How long do I have to wait for you? I do not know. I am not sure why I wait for you. I do know. i wait because I love you. With every inch of my being.
This weekend I thought about everything I had to go through by myself, and how you im'd me first thing and started to talk about you. Our situation never came into your head until we were together last night. I went through so much pain and hurt this weekend, and went through it by myself. Again. Something I never thought I would do. I realized today that we should have waited until you knew that you really wanted you and her to be over. At this point I am not even sure if that is what you really want. I told you earlier this weekend that after everything you have now learned that it will probably get to the point that you will try to work it out. You have been hurt. She has been hurt, now all is forgiven and it is time to move on. You and her. that is what i am so worried about. That after all of this, you will end up just working it out and leaving me in the dust yet again.
You asked me if i needed a break from you? It is not a break from you i need. i need reassurance. I am so sick of hiding how I feel about you, to preserve her feelings. I am so sick of not being able to just declare to the world how much i love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am tired of waiting. So tired of waiting. Tired of the facade. You love me, and the only i want you to do is tell her that, so there is no questions
I know that I have trust issue. Rightfully so after everything it is I have been through with you. You lied to me from the beginning. I really have no reason to trust you or ever think that things will change. I pour my heart out to you every day. I wait for your call, IM or just to see you. Our moments together, like last night, are some of the best moments in my life. So passionate, so intense, and so real. But then my doubt sets in. What am I doing? How many other people feel this way about you? How long do I have to wait for you? I do not know. I am not sure why I wait for you. I do know. i wait because I love you. With every inch of my being.
This weekend I thought about everything I had to go through by myself, and how you im'd me first thing and started to talk about you. Our situation never came into your head until we were together last night. I went through so much pain and hurt this weekend, and went through it by myself. Again. Something I never thought I would do. I realized today that we should have waited until you knew that you really wanted you and her to be over. At this point I am not even sure if that is what you really want. I told you earlier this weekend that after everything you have now learned that it will probably get to the point that you will try to work it out. You have been hurt. She has been hurt, now all is forgiven and it is time to move on. You and her. that is what i am so worried about. That after all of this, you will end up just working it out and leaving me in the dust yet again.
You asked me if i needed a break from you? It is not a break from you i need. i need reassurance. I am so sick of hiding how I feel about you, to preserve her feelings. I am so sick of not being able to just declare to the world how much i love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am tired of waiting. So tired of waiting. Tired of the facade. You love me, and the only i want you to do is tell her that, so there is no questions
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