I Lied

I lied to you this morning. When I was not sure if there was anything wrong. God I just do not know how I could be so stupid. I wish I could just walk away. Maybe I am just not meant to be happy or maybe I have my own self destructive path. Or maybe I just do not have the energy to try to compete any longer. I am not sure exactly what it is. What i do know is that after all of this time, I do not truly believe everything it is that you tell me.

I know that I have trust issue. Rightfully so after everything it is I have been through with you. You lied to me from the beginning. I really have no reason to trust you or ever think that things will change. I pour my heart out to you every day. I wait for your call, IM or just to see you. Our moments together, like last night, are some of the best moments in my life. So passionate, so intense, and so real. But then my doubt sets in. What am I doing? How many other people feel this way about you? How long do I have to wait for you? I do not know. I am not sure why I wait for you. I do know. i wait because I love you. With every inch of my being.

This weekend I thought about everything I had to go through by myself, and how you im'd me first thing and started to talk about you. Our situation never came into your head until we were together last night. I went through so much pain and hurt this weekend, and went through it by myself. Again. Something I never thought I would do. I realized today that we should have waited until you knew that you really wanted you and her to be over. At this point I am not even sure if that is what you really want. I told you earlier this weekend that after everything you have now learned that it will probably get to the point that you will try to work it out. You have been hurt. She has been hurt, now all is forgiven and it is time to move on. You and her. that is what i am so worried about. That after all of this, you will end up just working it out and leaving me in the dust yet again.

You asked me if i needed a break from you? It is not a break from you i need. i need reassurance. I am so sick of hiding how I feel about you, to preserve her feelings. I am so sick of not being able to just declare to the world how much i love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am tired of waiting. So tired of waiting. Tired of the facade. You love me, and the only i want you to do is tell her that, so there is no questions