Life

So many things to do so little time. i am struggling with a lot of things right now finances, love, friendships, children. The worst part is i have no one to talk to I mean really talk to. I think i am going to start seeing a therapist. I have pushed away my best friend, and now am living my life in the dark it seems.

This weekend is my graduation party and the crazy thing is i dont even want to have it. It will be nothing without having the people i care about the mos being there. But i know i needed to do what was best for me. And that is what really matters. So here are the issues i am facing today:

Children

My baby just called me to tell me he passed the 3rd grade. He is so freaking adorable and gets excited over everything. He dressed up today because it was his last day of school. He wore jeans a dress shirt and a tie. I definitely think i need to invest in classier clothing for him, as lately he is feeling the need to wear the same 2 dress shirts to school with a tie. And he only has about 2 of those. He will be in the fourth grade next year. I am not sure what the heck i am going to do with him over the summer. i am trying to send him to an overnight camp for the week. i think he would enjoy it, but miss me alot. but it will be a good experience for him. Spending time away, meeting new people, and hopefully coming out of his shell.

I still have spoken to Nate. And it kills me everytime I see him. I have packed his belongings and sent them downstairs. I just cannot bear much of this. It hurts me that he is throwing his life away for a girl but i guess he has to go through it to learn what he needs to do in the end. i am still so upset by it, but I have to let him live his own life.

Love

i am single again. By my own accord this time. I am trying to stick to it this time. I had the hardest time last week coming to terms that I beleive that he did not move out. The signs were all there. I just tried to overlook them. I then realized that I just really dont trust him. I cannot get past the fact that i have been lied to so many times over the course of the last year. It has been rough and i love him so much. i honestly feel like he is my soulmate. But i know he absolutely needs to feel that way to. I hate the fact that I have lost my best friend. I hate the fact that i cannot hear his voice, and dont even remember after 2 days what it sounds like. but what I hate even more is that he is just not ready for me. He does not want to be with me because he cannot at this time. He needs to work on what he needs to and that is all. In the meantime i am here lonely, and distraught. I put too much into this. I am trying to be strong, but everytime my phone lights up i pray it is him. My heart bleeds to just have him want me and only me, but that is a risk he just is not willing to take. I wish i could go on. i was willing to make so many sacrifices, but in the end i guess if the other is not willing to make those same sacrifices i should reconsider where my priorities should be.

Finances

Point blank I need a better paying job, and it does not seem to be happening here. i am so broke i cannot even stand on one leg at this point

Friendships

i have no one to talk to who understands me. Point blank. i am alone.