Today is January 17th 2012

I am hoping that one day I can look back at this day and think…How the hell did I get there? Today has not been a good day for me. I am having issues with the young one at school. His principal called me and I expressed my frustrations with her on the phone and she completely agreed with me. Emmanuel does not put the effort in that he needs to at school. I know a lot of this is my fault. I was so damn worried about my own schooling that I just neglected to sit down and show him proper discipline. I am trying to really be the best mother that I can but it is just so freaking hard. I work a gazillion hours (I mean it is better than Target) I have to be his mother and his father and support the household. When does it all just stop? Can we put life on hold for a moment please???? I just need a month to be able to get my life in order and get used to the way things are probably going to be for the rest of my life. This is not at all what I imagined my thirties would be like and it is trying me! I didn’t expect to have kids and raise them alone and I didn’t want to. I mean I know I have made the choices I have but I have tried and tried again to overcome and I feel like I just keep getting slapped in the face every time. When do I have my time? I know I won’t. Goodness this is very hard right now. I really just want to e the best that I can be with him and Nate, and I know I am not trying hard enough. How long does it take for a person to change their habits. 21 days they say and there are a lot of habits we all need to change in order to have a smoothly running household.
I feel lonely! Very Very lonely. I just called my mom to tell her that I miss her. She was busy at work, she apologized I know she had work to do but I just really needed someone to talk to. I miss my family so much. I have been gone for two years now and even though I can go back at the drop of a hat really, I don’t want to. My whole life all I ever dreamed about was being here in New York City. I would visit and my heart would palpitate because I just loved the energy here. Now that I am here I love it but I have NO ONE except my cousin Jim. Good ole reliable. I sometimes feel as though Jim was just meant to be my lifelong mate. Not in a sexual way (get your mind out of the gutter) but just my mate. We do so well with each other and without him I really do not know where I would be. I feel like I have no one down here. I have no girlfriends, they are all upstate. Sometime I just want to lay in the bed like me and Keitha, and eat popcorn ad watch movies all day. Have that our time together, and I have not met one person here who can fill that “girlfriend” void for me. Goodness what do you do when you feel like your life is just time slipping by and there are so many things that you want and HAVE to do, but there is just not enough time for that, parenting, working, supporting your kids (emotionally) supporting everyone else in your life, living up to people’s expectations, trying to be someone your not just to catch someone’s eye, keeping the house clean, laundry, extracurricular time with the boys, and sleeping! There just isn’t enough time. I want a break from my life. I need a break from my life!
Then on top of all that I have no less than three men chasing me and I just keep dragging them along because the person I want doesn’t want me. I figure well something is better than nothing. I do not even mean in a sexual way. I just want to be held, to not be judged, to share experiences with someone, for someone to enjoy some of the things I do and not give me a hard time about it, to explore new things and most importantly to have a family. Do you all know how hard it is to try to date and keep it away from your boys because you don’t want to give them the wrong impression. Then when do you eventually introduce people to them. I have always taken pride in the fact that I don’t just bring random people around them but damn when you are in your bed and lonely at night sometimes you just want to make that phone call and say “Can you come over? No I don’t want to sleep with you, I just want to cuddle and feel your arms wrapped around me like we just slept together, to feel the intimacy that people have in their relationships, I want you to tell me you love me, and in the morning I want to wake up with you next to me and then we can go on with our day as though it was the best night we ever had.” I have my faults, when people see me in pictures or in person they see confident, strong, pretty or whatever, but I am a broken woman. I am feeling very broken right now. No I feel broken down. I feel like I am at the last leg of the rest and just cannot go on any further. (I am not suicidal, don’t worry) My heart pounds everytime I think about how long I have been alone and I wonder when will it be my turn? I had someone recently ask me if we are not married by a certain age, can we just get married. No! I don’t want that. If I did I could have been married a long time ago to good ole faithful. I want someone to love me, no be in love with me. I want someone who loves me for the person I am and not the person they want me to be. I don’t want to have to change, I mean I can definitely compromise on some of my faults, but I don’t want to become a completely different person and leave the old Hope behind.
Goodness I am lonely. When will this feeling end?