Life of a Survivor

I read an article today about a priest who kept a journal of his sexual abuse experiences and how that journal was published and people are shocked. Brought back a ton of memories for me. I am going to write my story about going through, struggling and surviving my sexual abuse. It all began when i was about 8. Maybe it started before. There are certain things I can remember going back that far and they always stick out in the my mind. He was my stepfather, although when it began he was a boyfriend of my mom's. Dad was not around much, so the fact that we had a man in our lives that made us a complete family was exciting to us girls. We were all so young and all we wanted was a replacement for daddy. I remember one day walking through the house. Bob had his friend there. They were in my mom's room sitting on the bed. The edge of the bed actually. This sounds so much like other stories I have heard. Anyway, he was sitting on the edge of bed and told me to get on his knee. He started bouncing me up and down on his knee and was asking if i liked it. Of course I said yeah. I mean my goodness. I had everything I wanted. My mom was happy, she was dating one of the maintenance men, she was about to get married, my sisters loved Bob, and he was acting like a real daddy to us. He loved us and maybe even more than our father, who always promised to come take us, but never did. That day I felt a little weird but didn't think much of it. I mean why was he asking me if it felt good to bounce up and down on his lap? it was stupid and I just pushed it out of the back of my mind. At some point later on, I had a science fair to go to. My mom had to work so she was not able to go with us. I was so disappointed. I really wanted her there to at least see what i did. Now I forget what it was because this was the night I had my first sexual experience. I was 8. I do remember driving home in the car, and Bob let me drive. He put me on his lap and I specifically remember driving on Central Ave. maybe for a good five minutes. We got home, dropped his friend off and went into the house. I don't remember if my sisters were with us or if they were home. I do however remember being in the living room alone and he began to touch me. He asked me when I was going to start using this machine that now I realize gives you chest muscles. He told me if I used it , my breasts would be larger when I grew up and men like that. He began to fondle my breast and my vagina. It was my first experience with oral sex. I was never penetrated, everything was just that, fondling and oral. This happened for 2 years straight. I do not need to go into specific details. I remember him slipping in my room at night and asking me if I can come to the living room. I dreaded the days when my mom had to work overnights. I began to hate her because I felt she knew what was going on and just wanted to be happy so she said nothing about it. In the middle of my 5th grade year, there was a blow up! Bob and I were arguing and I told him I was going to tell my mom what he was doing to me at night. I feel like a fool because going back to that moment, I feel like the reason why I told was because I was in trouble for something and I did not want to be the only one in trouble that day. He told me to call her because she would not believe me. i called her and she came right home. He denied it of course and said he never touched me. The horror as I think back to that day and my sisters were there watching us argue. They shouldn't have known half of the things that were said that day. We moved out that day from our apartment and did not go back.........to be continued